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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Againdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1098
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 486



    Description:
       I wrote this poem because I was thinking about my coming life and will it be easy to find that one who deserves my love for her. I am just wondering when will I get rid of this feeling of not trusting any one of the female gender. But, not all the:). Hope you will all like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAgaindots
    -------------------------------------------


    How long I will suffer?
    How long will this last?
    Have I come back again
    To be astonished and bewildered
    To search in the crowds;
    For my missing and lost part?
    Who will be you?
    Will it go as in the fairy tales?
    To see you for just one time,
    And fall in love again.
    Will it be easy for me?
    To trust and give my heart
    To someone else.
    How long I will suffer?
    How long will this last?




    Submitted on 2005-05-16 17:06:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Okay I'm going to give you some technical pointers first.
    Ln3-get rid of the question mark (?), your question flows to the next line, so the (?) should be at the end of LN6.
    Ln 5-needs a semicolon (;) in stead of a period. Missing and lost also have the same connotation, so it's like using the same adjective twice.
    Ln 6-needs no punctuatioin at all...get rid of the period. croweds/crowds
    LN12 - needs no period.

    Overall this shows a good grasp of the basics but to strive more a matured writing style you need to get away from writing rhetorical questions and add metaphor into the work.

    Jimmy has a great poetry lesson guide in the help section. It's one of the things that helped me evolve as a writer.
    jan
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Awwww this is pretty sad, and you're right, it does kind of remind me of my poem. This is really pretty though. You do have a few spelling and gramatical errors, but it's all jello.
    Never Stop Writing.
    *Huggles*
    -Caribou-
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi who could understand this poem better than me? I know what you are going through and believe I do feel the same pain. A pain which has become limitless. Enough of me and my sorrow back to your poem.
    I like it ( I don't think I have to tell you that ). I can relate to it ( this fact is also not a stranger to you ). It has a very clear message and I feel your pain when I read your poem, which is a very rare thing now days.

    How long I will suffer?
    How long will this last?

    I love those two lines, I do keep asking myself the same questions.
    A very nice and sad poem
    With lots of love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      i used to ask myself these same questions time and time again after a break up... but i realized, you can't stay stuck on the past, you know? you just gotta look ahead to the future, and just KNOW there's a better day waiting. i think we all feel this way at one point or another. i liked it though. really sad, but really sweet considering your description... ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~TaY~
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      :-( I often find myself asking those same questions. But I'll get over it. Anyways, this is really good. I read other peoples suggestions, but I like it the way it is. I truly hope you find your missing part. Im sure you will. Good luck with everything. Great job.

    *nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww.. that's kinda sad. I think the best way to maximize the affect of this poem would be to break it up into stanzas. Perhaps after "astonished and bewildered.", and then again after "And fall in love again." That's just a suggestion, but you also need to fix both the spelling ("croweds") and the grammar ("Who will be you" to maybe "Who will you be"). This will both heighten affect and help the flow. The only other thing to help make your poem better I think is to maybe change "For my missing and lost part" to something a little different. "part" isn't the best fit. However, if you fix this minor stuff, I'm sure this'll be a great poem! Besides, I know what it's like to have problems with the opposite gender. Hang in there!
    :3
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Ajyra | [ Reply to This ]


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