Description: mostly about girls who cant be single and boys who know all the right lines... any title suggestions VERY welcome!
Betrayed by a Kiss -------------------------------------------
From a distance
you could have been mistaken
for Mr Right
(perhaps i should have left you there...)
with your smooth talk
(which should have
washed right over me
like that whole
"water off a ducks back" thing...")
you lulled my defences
leaving me completely irrational
(i guess i was just hungry
and ate your words
as if they were my last supper...)
you had this mosaic
of shattered hearts
you wore carelessly on your sleeve
which should have served as a warning
looking for salvation
(in all the wrong places)
i betrayed myself
with your last kiss,
for a sliver of my heart
to be added (to complete)
your apparently envogue
shattered heart accessory
i'll turn my tears to water to wine
and drink my sorrow dry...
from a distance
i mistook you for Mr Right
(i gave you my heart
but found no salvation)
i really should have left you there.
I sometimes have this problem. Always picking Mr. Wrong...well not always...there's been at least...1 instance where I know I didn't.
And, you'd think we'd learn and we don't. You captured that well. Yet with the determination of the female TO learn from her mistakes and get over it and move on and find someone worthy of her affections. I love it.
There was this article I once read about how those in love can have the most complicated of eye diseases. It is worse than being blind because you actually have a reference that could lead to a misguided judgement. I think the writer related it to myopia.
Well of course it happens... sometimes it is easier to believe in the things that we dream about because it is what we want. We can easily allow ourselves to be blind with regards to all the negative aspects involving a person if we focus on the minority... or rather... his positive traits... and vise versa.
I like the (whispered...) meanings. It gives a sense that we caught you in the middle of contemplating your final piece. And this is the "in between" of the process.
the first couple lines pulled me in right away thinkin, wow this seems awfully familiar. and ya know i think alot of girls would fall for the smooth talking and the whole shattered heart thing, and the way you stated that was top notch, of course. and when you said you betrayed yourself with a kiss, that just shows that you were didnt want to fall for his act, whether you did or not, it still makes you different from maybe all the other girls, ya know still a victum but a little less helpless, do you know what i'm saying? kinda goin out of the work there. but anyways.
i'll turn my tears to water to wine and drink my sorrow dry...
these lines just got me. how you can just take it all and pretend like it never happened, i wish i could do that with some memories.
and you tied it all up talking about Mr. Right and finding no salvation. it was wonderful! and yet sad at the same time. and boy did it bring on memories. i think sometime i will have to tell you about those.
once agen..long comments!..i was pulld in jus by the tittlee.. n its kinda pathetic how it seems like im the girl in the poem cuz it happens to me alot..er makes me think about my last relationship which i might say ended last night..
Hey there dear. I wanted to thank you again for the comment you left me. ;-)
I like this piece. There is something very striking about it. It comes across in a very simple, yet realistic manner. Most likely because of the topic. Girls that can't be without guys, and guys that know how to say all the right things. Sounds like my arsehole ex. Ha.
I love a lot of the little things in this such as the lines "i guess i was just hungry and ate your words as if they were my last supper..." and
"i'll turn my tears to water to wine and drink my sorrow dry..."
Very clever. I really like it when a writer comes up with something catchy like that. Things like that stick in the reader's mind. They'll definately stick in mine.
I'm definately going to read more of your work. :-)
Man this was very good. Its what eveery girl goes through. I know I am younger than you probably so its like why am I listening to her. But it happens to everyone, so you're not alone. It sucks sometimes, I guess we are to easy to believe anything...lol
My favorite part was this.. Because I think every girl has gone through or will go through this.
but well... with your smooth talk (which should have washed right over me like that whole "water off a ducks back" thing...") you lulled my defences leaving me completely irrational (i guess i was just hungry and ate your words as if they were my last supper...)
Sorry you are going through this now. You sure deserve better. I think that the bracketed phrase "in all the wrong places" was most cliché' and detracts from this, although calling it simply the wrong place doesn't sound bad. Another cliché' that isn't as bad could use a bit of help though, I think instead of turning tears to water to wine, you might turn watery tears to wine. Have you seen trailers for some new movie called the Wedding Crashers or something like that? Guys who crash weddings to score with the bridesmaids? Your poem reminded me of that. Haven't seen it, but they looked quite lame. Hope you're well, Dave
Oooh Jaydee, I love this piece. Love it to pieces, even. How often has it happened though...when someone wants someone else so badly, they're quite willing to get their heart shattered in the end, just to have those moments of being together. We all sacrifice, in our own ways, for love, for the Concept of love.
you had this mosaic of shattered hearts you wore carelessly on your sleeve which should have served as a warning
This is a great stanza. It shows us, lowly readers, that the artist is aware of the risk, the consiquences, and the inevitable heart-break to come. But it's always worth it, is it not? Be well, friend. ~Rachel~ P.S. So So happy that you're going home soon. Hopefully the apples will not be such a torment for you soon We look forward to having you back.
Okay, this is a brillant piece with a great rhythmic flow. It would look a little better though if You went back and capitalized the beggining of your sentences. And though its really rhythmic I don't think it would break the flow if you paragraphed it. Its simply easier to read that way and appearance adds to the pleasure of the reading.
I like how you used the brackets to enclose your thoughts, but I would have made them all one or two lines; one or two stretch over three to four lines. Like, it's my personal opinion, but I lost track of the brackets and was a little confused. Simple minds, eh? Anyway, I liked your theory and how you presented it. It was definately something that many can relate to, I for one know it way too well. I liked how it was just there, that there was nothing to read into, no subliminal messages, nothing. It was everythign that we were meant to see. I like simplicity. I don't know why, but I do. This was really simplistic for me, just a slice out of someone's daily life. Very awesome dude! ~Jessica
What I like about this one is a lack of despair. Our author is moving on, a little sad, a little wiser. She's not drowning in tears "Oh My God my world has ended", she's reviewing the romance and moving on.
Some of the imagery is great as well.
"you could have been mistaken for Mr Right (perhaps i should have left you there...)"
at the beginning and end frames the poem nicely. I like the right, left thing.
"your apparently envogue shattered heart accessory" is a great visual (virtual visual??, invisual??)
I also liked the parentheses, although usually I don't. Here, they set off your more private, contemplative thoughts really well.
Really minor stuff: I think duck's back needs an apostrophe, Defences is right is your British or Canadian, but wrong if you're from the US.
Oh this is a very well written, slightly humourous and very vivid poem.. I love the repetition of 'but well..'... and the images here..my absolute favourite would have to be you had this mosaic of shattered hearts you wore carelessly on your sleeve.. brilliant... and how the narrators ended up as a sliver on that.. 'like water off a ducks back'..lol..
I can't say anything else except that you conveyed this issue very articulately..and cleverly.. this is a fave for me. Well done and thanks for the read.
OH MY GOD! WOT A BRILLIANT POEM! I CANT GET OVER HOW YOUVE WRITTEN THIS! You have this endless idea like which reminds me of John Steinback, where you leave off, on your writin, wer u begun. I like your use of complex wording, yet it is somehow dramatically simplistic and it just bursts out from everywhere, its an unbelieveable write, Im in awe of this piece, it just has to go into my favs. I seriously cannot find anything wrong with this piece. Its so real, and I can actually taste the authenticity of this poem because of the way you have written it.
with your smooth talk (which should have washed right over me like that whole "water off a ducks back" thing...") you lulled my defences leaving me completely irrational
the complexity of your language, contrasting with the spoken words, is a very effective idea. It creates a whole image in my head, I can actually see you speaking it, as you write, but technically, in a difficult way, much more complicated.
(i guess i was just hungry and ate your words as if they were my last supper...)
Last supper, there is just something religious about this image and the last supper of jesus with his apostles, maybe you want to signify the death of jesus christ as the death of your heart after "Mr Right" betrays you? Maybe im digging a whole for myself but oh well.
but well... you had this mosaic of shattered hearts you wore carelessly on your sleeve which should have served as a warning but well...
and do you see that but well... it like brings each of your ideas to a stop, but mirculously introduces them again. This is a fine idea. I love how you have described all his last loves like a mosaic of shattered hearts which he wears carelessly on his sleeve. That is such an effective and descriptive line.
You know what, I think Il stalk you aswell :P Great poem. Loved it.
and this is why love is most dramatic and forceful in the earliest stages...we mostly see the good, we go on a chemical attraction...a biological connection, more so than in the reality of the faults that we all have in different places. And so you found this guys faults, but only after all the other factors grabbed hold of your heart...and wouldn't it be lovely if we could always leave them while they are still perfect? But then we would never get to the true beauty of a relationship, that point where we clearly see all of the faults but actually find something endearing in each of them because we know that it takes all these parts to make up the whole of the person who had done more than grabbed hold of the heart, but who cradles it and holds it above and more delicately than his own.
And you've captured this awful feeling of realization, that the heart has betrayed us by misreading this lust (or hunger, as you so well put it) for love. And the down-to-earth way in which you talk to us helps us to easily feel what you're feeling. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to stretch out the lines a little, because I think with the shorter lines some of the emotion is squeezed out. But then again, maybe this is intentional...maybe you do not want us to feel as much emotion as you do the frustration and near shame of realizing that you've been fooled (and maybe not for the first or second time).
It is always exciting to see that you have posted something new because I know I will find something well thought out and touching and this is always inspiring.
Woderful! I loved it. It remids me of so many endless cheesy love storys I read when I was but so small. The picture of this was so extrordinary. You have a special talents as do many people in this place. The part that most caught me was the 'you lulled my defences leaving me completely irrational'.