untitled by melancholymaid

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Submission Name: untitled dots

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Author:	melancholymaid
ASL Info:	21/female/Tennessee
Elite Ratio:	3.64 - 112/136/34
Words:	103

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	199
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	725

Description:
??? I started writing last night. I guess I was inspired by myself.. It's me. Red hair and all, insomnia and imagination. It could be changed a little, tweaked. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't ever know...

untitled dots

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An indulgent poetess sits:
smoking at 11:11 pm,
scarf tied in her long, red hair.
Crazy hair.
Witch's hair.

With eyes still lined in black,
she stares into the darkness.

The radio plays on, lyrics undulating,
Crashing into the melodies.

There are noises outside her window: car doors slamming, the train passing by, and voices crying out into the night.

The city streets are still burning despite the night's darkness.

She believes she is an insomniac.
The alarm clock glows green on her fragile white skin, illuminating her lively imagination.
Sleep is impossible tonight.

Submitted on 2005-05-17 09:24:15 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
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||| Comments |||
  So now I finally get this image of you.
I can see you sitting there with the music in the background and the thought in your head keeping you awake at night.

She believes she is an insomniac.
The alarm clock glows green on her fragile white skin, illuminating her lively imagination.
Sleep is impossible tonight.

and this stanza what a impressive sight.

~shawn
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
  This is such a good poem. I can relate, It sounds like something writen based on my life. Even the train passing by fits my life. It was good. I could picture it all. . and you used good words to describe things! And thats a turn on with poetry . . atleast for me it is. Keep up writing . . and I really hope to read more things from you, because you seem to be very talented. GJ
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
  I can relate entirely. I feel that way every night. This is really good. Perfect description. The crazy hair, eyes still lined in black, radio on, staring into the darkness...I could see myself in every word. Beautiful write. Great job :-) I love it.

*nikkki
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  As far as writing advice goes
>>Carzy<< Should be Crazy, lol.

>>There are noises outside her window: car doors slamming, the train passing by, and voices crying out into the night.<<

Might read better if you broke it up like
>> There are noises outside her window:
car doors slamming, the train passing by,
and voices crying out into the night<<

The same concept kind of applies to
>>She believes she is an insomniac.
The alarm clock glows green on her fragile white skin, illuminating her lively imagination.
Sleep is impossible tonight. <<

It might read better as
>>She believes she is an insomniac.
The alarm clock glows green on her fragile white skin,
illuminating her lively imagination
Sleep is impossible tonight<<

And that last stanza was my favorite by far. This poem was awesome, you rocked my socks sunshine, Never Stop Writing!
-Caribou-
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh my... Were you in my dream last night?

Lolful! I swear- I just did thys a day ago- except my hair as short and dark brown and my alarm clock numbers are an eerie red... Plus- I’m a dude!

Okay- I’m done messing around- thys was great- got the perfect image even though I already knew it. It reeked of desperation and the frustration of knowing it will not come. The format itself made me listless... Nice work!

Now- I am off to shower. (so fresh and so clean- clean!) -The Madd One~
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
  You posted this piece under longing...perhaps longing for sleep? that part confused me...

other wise this was a descriptive piece one that allows the reader to feel as though we are there with this crazy haired girl ;)
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  I've felt that way many a night. I think you've written a piece that speaks volumes about sitting up at night, everything around you clear.

My favorite stanza was

The city streets are still burning despite the night's darkness.

She believes she is an insomniac.
The alarm clock glows green on her fragile white skin, illuminating her lively imagination.
Sleep is impossible tonight

I think the message is kept simple, but presented in a pretty package. Nice write. Keep up the good work!
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ]

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