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Author: Rokhal
ASL Info:    21, f, USA NW
Elite Ratio:    8 - 85 /71 /18
Words: 148
Class/Type: Poetry /Legend
Total Views: 1516
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1049


I did this a while ago, and there's still some sticky spots, especially at the end.
Please help. Just point out particular things wrong with it; I need some fresh eyes.


Like blown paper, shaken from the storm, it sailed
Over the rice puddles
Where minor birds scrounge crops,
Scrape mud and insects from green shoots.
It swept down, lightning behind it,
Desire tight between white wings.

The girl walked alone.
Her plain shirt clung to sweat,
She gathered photographs and bulrushes
In the wet fields.

She stared to see the swan approach,
The neck, a spear caught in silk parasails
Broader than her arms.
It will turn--will it turn? It will not--
And the wings
Covered her, the impact slighter than a tackle,
But far faster, she
Gasped, stunned--and the thin vanes blocked her eyes,
The sun,
And she choked in the road
As it
Sought her out
She gasped
Pulled its throat to her face--
Small feathers in her hands, thin muscled bones,
She pulled the snake-neck close
And bit it off.

Submitted on 2005-05-17 18:40:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Interesting twist on the Leda and the Swan myth. Sort of a woman's empowerment version? Your pacing is wonderful in this. I always hate a rushed piece and I feel like changing any of the line breaks would make it just that.

I also liked the connotation of "snake-neck". Not only is it describing the length of the neck but also commenting on the devious nature of the creature. It made me think of the feathered-serpents in Mayan (or is it Aztec?) mythology.

Another great write.

| Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
  I am now going to put on my old, wise, patronising voice - "You, my dear, are most interesting!" Seriously you are. Your poem is refreshingly different. A few rambling comments on your poem: The biology of the Leda and the swan myth has always intrigued me, because as you are well aware, birds mate by the juxtapositioning of their cloacas (cloacae?), not having an intromittent organ, so rape of a human by a swan is of course technically impossible. Then again, the long neck of the swan might be some extended penis metaphor, which makes me raise one quizzical eyebrow as you bite its head off.
"Rice puddles"?? It is so awfully difficult not to think, see and say "rice puddings"! Wouldn't "rice paddies" work just that tad better? Also your "minor birds"? Do you mean small insignificant birds like sparrows and lesser spotted flycatchers and dartford warblers? or do you mean mynah birds?
"Vanes"? Not quite sure what this refers to. Do you possible mean "veins"? Okay, enough nit-picking. Back to fulsome praise. I love your use of myth and legend. I have always found it myself to be a fertile source of inspiration and in a way, you and I and all other poets who believe the same, keep the myths alive, memes that survive in the minds of poets.
| Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  There are some lines where I'm not sure why they would be split up that way:

Like blown paper, shaken from the storm, it sailed
Over the rice puddles- I would change to:
Like blown paper shaken from the storm
It sailed over the rice puddles

And the wings
Covered her,... - I would change to:
And the wings covered her

But far faster, she
gasped, stunned...- I would change to:
But far faster
She gasped, stunned...

I would take out "the sun,".

As it
Sought her out- I would change to:
As it sought her out

Hope this was helpful.
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good write. I wouldn't change anything in the first two stanzas. You asked for some ideas on the end, so these are mine. (Take what works, and leave the rest.) I changed some puncuation, wording, and phrasing.

She strained to see the swan approach.
The neck, a spear caught in silk parasails
broader than her arms.
It will turn-will it turn? It will not-

The wings covered her...
The impact slighter than a tackle.
But far faster, she gasped, stunned-
and the thin vanes blocked her eyes, the sun.

She choked in the road
As it sought her out
She gasped,
Pulled its throat to her face-
Small feathers in her hands, thin muscled bones,

She pulled the snake-neck close
And bit it off.

Just my interpretation, again take what you want. I think you do a great job of painting a picture for your readers.
Looking forward to more,
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]

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