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London was on fire.
Set ablaze at night by the scorching eyes of working-class heroes. Overturned by middle class men unsure of where they came from and what their mother taught them. Towns alone were crumbling under the pressure, as women with thick accents hustled their children down the street, farther into havoc then safety. The scene was something you'd see in modern day action film: Pedestrians standing in shock watching their lives burn before them as mothers and children run in slow motion. Cars being overturned and houses with broken windows. Loose dogs running, barking, and tensing the situation beyond belief. And yet, through all the chaos and erruptions, one man stood alone, brave but battered, walking with the slightest limp away from his hometown. A young boy, good looking too, traipsing down the courtyard with a head full of knowledge, more then any other soul could currently account fo---
"Now Marley," spoke the aging man, flustered that she had snuck up behind him. "Didnt I tell you that a writer in progess needs absolute peace and quiet while in the process of writing a masterpiece?" Although his age may have had the better of him, he was still a deviously handsome man with a quick-witted mind, detriorating over time however, and filling with mindless and senseless ideas.
"Well, I'm just here to make sure that ego of your's doesnt sneak up behind you and take you up whole," replied the slightly younger woman. Her wrinkles were becoming the better of her now, and she was none too pleased with the results. "Plus, Damian and Sophia are here with the kids, they're unpacking into the guesthouse."
"Well," he said pausing, "Once I finish this scene I'll be right out. You tell them we werent expecting them until tomorrow and its impolite to show up...unexpectately early... without calling," he added bombastically, after his poor attempt at finding a supplemental word.
"Aye aye Captain, I'll pass on the words of wisdom," she replied, not intending to complete the request. " But first Silas, we need to talk before you start [tellin] those kids your stories. Silas called me on the flight up here and he was a bit concerned with the ideas the kids had after their last visit," she smiled, "Now I personally know they're true stories, but you cant put ideas of a different, time era," "she added difficultly, "into the heads of growing kids. They need to be capable of telling right from wrong and fiction from nonfiction. Be kind Silas, be kind."
"Yes yes, I'll be kind," the devilish man replied, thoughts buzzing through his head, as he had barely listened to his wife's words. He loved her with all his heart and soul, but try as he may, that woman would never know the real Silas Ruskell. His thoughts were too complicated and beyond belief that no one would ever fully understand what he was capable of. And his ego, why it was none bigger then a thimble!
Still unconvinced, the wife of 35 long years walked out of the parlor, and down the hall to welcome her handsome young son and family. She knew what she had just said had no effect on Silas, but at least she had tried. Damian really wouldnt be too upset. As it seemed from Sophia's phone calls and e-mail's things were getting pretty rough in the household, and they needed this escape to work out some difficulties between themselves. Damian was spending too much time at work, as Marlene could've suspected. Ever since his teen ages he'd always been more interested in real estate and the stock market, then family tradition and playing outdoors.
Marlene sighed heavily as she walked out the door into the unforgiving sunshine. You're the reason I've all these wrinkles, she thought, and continued on her way. She walked slowly, preserving all the energy she could for the coming days. Her grandchildren were the smile on her face, but nonetless they were still tiring. Young Briar was turning eight, and learning how to ride his bicycle without training wheels. Madison and Lee we're now both 13, turning into teenagers, but still innocent inside. Three bright and beautiful children, Maralene couldnt be more lucky.
I’m not quite sure where you’re going with this write, and to me, it seems like the ideas are pretty conflicting. I think if you focus on keeping your themes more parallel, or so that they tie together more effectively, as well as making sure to watch your grammar and spelling, you could turn this into an interesting piece.
A few things I noticed while reading through, anything in brackets is something I’ve changed from your original.
“Although his age…” I think you should end this sentence after quick-witted mind. With the structure that you’re currently using, you almost disregard the “although” when you begin to talk about the quick mind [deteriorating] and that it was filling with absurdities.
“Well I’m just here to make sure that ego of [yours] doesn’t sneak…”
“Plus, Damian and Sophia are here with the kids[.] They’re unpacking…”
“Well,” he said, pausing, “Once…”
“We weren’t expecting them until tomorrow and [it’s] impolite to show up [unexpectedly] early…
I think the clause “after his poor attempt…” should be excluded altogether. It seems unnecessary and almost over-saturates the sentence.
“But first Silas, we need to talk before you start [tellin] those kids your stories. Silas called me…” Alright this entire section is extremely confusing. Is Silas the old man? Or is Silas one of the people unpacking in the guesthouse? Or are they both called Silas?
“’Now I personally know they’re true stories, but you [can’t] put ideas of a different […] time era,’ she added [with difficulty], “into the heads of growing kids.”
“Nonetless” should be nonetheless, and should have a comma after it.
“Young Briar…” I would take out the comma in this sentence.
Madison and Lee [were] now both 13…
Last sentence, add apostrophe to “couldnt”, and “Maralene” should be “Marlene.”
As I said, these are just some examples of things to keep in mind when writing short stories, or any writing for that matter. I hope this helps and good luck!
|| Posted on 2007-01-27 00:00:00 | by Saline | [ Reply to This ] || ok... i realy dont know why.. but i read the whole post. which is a sign that i was interested in the story. for one thing i i do want to let you know that u have a good beginning. although its a bit crowed for and introdution. its like... im concentrated on the story being writen, then it turns out to be a writer that is interupted by his wife (wich is not known until a little later). while at teh same time the couple is talking about other guests that have arrived at their home. if it was a book, it would have probably taken the first page to write all that, nad you ahve already mentioned about 7 or more people. i would suggest to take a little more time to describe the scene/plot. a ggod story appeals to the senses. for a beginning, its good. i woudl advice for you to continue... (i tend to want to forshadow stories). so i might be jumping ahead of myself. i hope that in the next few scenes or chapter u take the time to explaina little of what year it woudl take place and where in the world or what planet, etc. just so that the reader can familiarize with the story. but like i said its a good start and you should continue to write. |
good luck, andres ;)
|| Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by ibelikeso | [ Reply to This ] || well 'london was on fire'. thats the story the writer was writing before being inturptted by his wife, right?|
i liked this. i would like to write stories but i suck at that kind of writing. curious at what will happen next. everything seems happy and a perfect life but maybe that'll change in your next one? keep writing.
is this taking place on a ship or was the 'aye aye captin' just scarcasim?
and the title. really would like to know what that is and what is has to do with the story? maybe it will come later?
|| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ] |