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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: mirror of voicedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: amun
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 31/14/9
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1116
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 685



    Description:
       experimental


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmirror of voicedots
    -------------------------------------------


    through the hole in my palm
    I squint for compassion's eye
    ward of the dying heart
    would that I break my own?
    but you've seeped in me
    a piece of life's well drawn
    liquid crystal pouring
    fine-line shining mirror
    the veins of my own voice,
    you tame as your own
    the scrawl and etch
    persuasive lines
    along symetry's confines
    confounded....
    to offer the sum of parts
    no thought of serving pieces
    pervasive, your preference?
    a rejection slip pasted on flat walls
    slash and burn editors
    I won't visit again.






    Submitted on 2005-05-17 21:33:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      THIS WAS great. i love how you dont like the editors and the imagry on the rejection slip pasted to the walls were great . i have to run now, school project and all of the hype. but i will be back to night to finish this thing. great poem by the way. i loved it.
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by gothichik1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was an interesting poem to read, good use of imagery and an interesting concept. I also like how it ended...However I won't bash it, I'll just give you some suggestions that may help :)

    1. With the first lines, it seems a bit broken, the enjambement doesn't work well there. How about: 'Through the hole in my palm,
    I squint for compassion's eye'
    same idea, just a little shuffling of word order.

    2. 'drawn a piece of life/liquid..'
    I'm not sure how the liquid fits in there. I think it would sound better without it, or if you want to keep it in, maybe expand on it just a little.

    3. 'crystal mirror shine
    the veins of my voice' This is interesting, I especially like 'the veins of my voice'.. but I think the 'shine the veins' is grammatically incorrect, how about 'shines upon' or 'highlights'
    the (,) should be removed just before 'you tame as your own(,) and put at the end of own.


    4. the scrawl and etch
    persuasive lines
    along symetry's confines
    I like this. Very nicely written.

    5. a rejection slip pasted on flat walls
    slash and burn editors
    I won't visit again.
    these last lines are fantastic.

    Thanks for the read, and hoping to see more of you. Oh and welcome to the site! Cheers.
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]


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