mirror of voice -------------------------------------------
through the hole in my palm
I squint for compassion's eye
ward of the dying heart
would that I break my own?
but you've seeped in me
a piece of life's well drawn
liquid crystal pouring
fine-line shining mirror
the veins of my own voice,
you tame as your own
the scrawl and etch
along symetry's confines
to offer the sum of parts
no thought of serving pieces
pervasive, your preference?
a rejection slip pasted on flat walls
slash and burn editors
I won't visit again.
THIS WAS great. i love how you dont like the editors and the imagry on the rejection slip pasted to the walls were great . i have to run now, school project and all of the hype. but i will be back to night to finish this thing. great poem by the way. i loved it.
This was an interesting poem to read, good use of imagery and an interesting concept. I also like how it ended...However I won't bash it, I'll just give you some suggestions that may help :)
1. With the first lines, it seems a bit broken, the enjambement doesn't work well there. How about: 'Through the hole in my palm, I squint for compassion's eye' same idea, just a little shuffling of word order.
2. 'drawn a piece of life/liquid..' I'm not sure how the liquid fits in there. I think it would sound better without it, or if you want to keep it in, maybe expand on it just a little.
3. 'crystal mirror shine the veins of my voice' This is interesting, I especially like 'the veins of my voice'.. but I think the 'shine the veins' is grammatically incorrect, how about 'shines upon' or 'highlights' the (,) should be removed just before 'you tame as your own(,) and put at the end of own.
4. the scrawl and etch persuasive lines along symetry's confines I like this. Very nicely written.
5. a rejection slip pasted on flat walls slash and burn editors I won't visit again. these last lines are fantastic.
Thanks for the read, and hoping to see more of you. Oh and welcome to the site! Cheers.