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    dots Submission Name: We Coulddots

    Author: prettybaby
    Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191/194/59
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1439
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 754


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    dotsWe Coulddots

    My heart and soul are screaming
    As I fall in fits of rage
    Every night I'm dreaming
    That we could turn the page

    Start our story once again
    When my heart was in one piece
    This time with a different end
    So all my pain would cease

    We could erase my suffering
    All the other girls you had
    If we could rewrite everything
    This wouldn't hurt so bad

    We could edit out the times
    You weren't there for me
    We could make you see the light
    And fall in love with me

    But life isn't a storybook
    We can't proofread the past
    All it takes is one last look
    To know we can't go back

    Submitted on 2005-05-18 13:06:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Lol.. you know I like you! But yet.. what I still have to understand about a lot of human hearts... is why one would want so badly to change someone who treats them so terrible. But worst of all... to keep hanging on and hoping thier love will grow. What is that? Now, my life is not perfect, however, (call me cold) any girl who did me wrong in the past I just turned and walked away. To me... it either is going to work or not. Many people would disagree with me and say you gotta work at it... like you want/ed too with the person in this peice. But I truly believe in there is someone just for me! And my love that I give is reciprocated in balance... harmony. We can't expect every day to be happy... (am I rambling yet...lol) but love never hurts. It is true... honest... kind... pure! I still cheers this write though... it's from your heart. You imagine and try to logically think of the impossible. In the end I'm glad you realise it's pointless to try to turn back the clock. Where you go from there... well hopefull I'll see it in a new write by you. Cheers! (ramble on!)
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by Isaac | [ Reply to This ]
      It is is self explanatory but I like the fact that it's universal, this could apply to anyone, but you have turned out a cleverly conceived poem to outlet your emotions and for that you've gota be commended.

    The relationship described in this poem is likened to a book, and I love the references to that,

    'we could turn the page'
    'Start our story once again'
    'If we could rewrite everything'

    and so on, I love the analogy it goes so very nicely. It talks of hope and longing, yet towards the end is struck by realism,
    'we can't proofread the past',
    it's like coming down to earth..

    I thought the rhyme scheme was very appropriate, it just went nicely. and can I also say one last thing, if this guy was such a [censored], will then forget him girl. You're definitely worth a whole lot more, and I'm sure you'll find someone who'll appreciate you instead of play with you. Keep writing!
    and I'll keep reading..
    thanks for the read,
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww, cari! We are soul sisters I swear, we write about the same things. But gee I wonder why that could be...o right because he's a player and im mean! right, onward! I really liked this peice because I can understand it and the flow is good. I wouldn't change a thing (dont listen to the others they dont get the whole story). Well I must go but I'll see ya this weekend prolly! Toodles!

    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by kp_2007 | [ Reply to This ]
      The simplicity of the rhyme scheme is good. But I think that some may think it is a bit elementary. I did like the use of 'end' as a near ryhyme for 'again.' I don't like 'And' at the beginning of the second stanza; however. I see the first stanza as introducing the topic and the following four as the bulk of the emotion. Therefore, I would remove the 'And' so that the reader gets the feeling of new action instead of a continuing one or repeated one.
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by cerberus | [ Reply to This ]
      self explanatory is right, its straight to the point, and I get it!...I dont have much to say about this one, but that I really like it! and I could say that I feel the same way, except me being a guy, I wouldnt be losing a guy, I would be losing a girl...anyways, onto more importatn issues.
    longing is such a common feeling, so many feel this...so its a great poem to get other people to relate too. This poem reminded me of some of my own poems, and a classical piece of poetry by Alexander Pope. The name is "Eloisa to Abelard"...I am no poet scholar or anything, but basically this poem is about longing and vain wishing from Eloisa about having this man Abelard. Its very melancholy and if you have the patience, it is a great read!
    This poem reminds me of that in the aspect of hopelessness, which a lot of "longing" poetry contains.
    One thing though, in the second stanza...I think you mean "all this pain would cease" instead of "will cease"...dont know, it just seems more fitting...
    drink to sorrow, and vain attempts at changing the past, I drink with you,
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]

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