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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: cloudless raindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: andnow
    ASL Info:    19.f.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 136/135/42
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 736
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 457



    Description:
       i was walking to the bus stop this morning and it was raining without any clouds


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscloudless raindots
    -------------------------------------------


    I felt the rain but I could not see the clouds
    I felt the cold but I did not have a coat
    I thought I heard my name but nobody called
    I held my hand out for you but you were not there
    I tried to breathe but my lungs collapsed
    I forced a smile but my eyes were hollow
    I said I was fine but you pushed for more

    I wanted to tell you.
    But I couldn’t.

    Sometimes the world needs a lie.




    Submitted on 2005-05-18 21:15:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well I can only say I was expecting it to be more about nature, but it's ok. I too would take out some of the I s and reword it differently. I like the concept behind this.
    keep going.
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]
      Its alright. A good venting poem, and good imagery as well. But the I's kind of take it away, for its a little too repetitive. Maybe try to word it differently and take some of those I's out? Just a suggestion, other than that it was a good poem.
    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      very vivid imagery...excellent use of metaphor...left me feeling cold, and empty.
    excellent write!
    keep up the good work!
    you roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooock!
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by Deep Ace Thinks | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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