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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 60/40dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MusingMinstrel
    ASL Info:    26/Male/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    4.97 - 744/744/128
    Words: 265
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 1052
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1597



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots60/40dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Yesterday I welcomed the sunshine
    It brought its light on into my life
    After feeling so frozen for so long
    I began to feel warmth grow inside
    Childlike wish for its love not to go
    Donít ever burn out or grow cold
    Never wanted to live to see it set and
    Go shining its light throughout the globe

    Time, it slowly goes on
    Rain keeps falling down
    I want her to come
    I want to feel the sun
    But it only rains
    When sheís gone

    Caution lacking fanning the spark
    Might have done it a bit too hard
    Either way, it just seems to always be
    That we all are left alone in the dark
    Isnít it and canít we swear itís the truth
    That we all do just as we have to
    Too distant and high above me?
    Or tell me am I too beneath you?

    Time, it slowly goes on
    Rain keeps falling down
    I want her to come
    I want to feel the sun
    But it only rains
    When sheís gone

    The only thing that helps me
    To sleep through these storms of night
    Is thinking you donít think of me
    And in spite of everything youíre all right
    Even though itís someone elseís arms
    That are the oneís holding you tight
    And I am just a photograph
    In your scrapbook memory called life

    Time, it slowly goes on
    Rain keeps falling down
    I want her to come
    I want to feel the sun
    But it only rains
    When sheís gone
    And it rains all the time.




    Submitted on 2005-05-18 23:45:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lovely. Simply lovely. I love your works all together, but this one is certainly my favorite as of now. I love how the rhymes flow so well, and I especially like the last lyric (in the chorus). "and it rains all the time" is a perfect way to sum up the end of the poem. Wonderful work. The meter needs a bit of work if it is to become a successful song, as I had a tune going, and an extra syllable was put in and threw me off. Other than that, lovely. Write more please.
    Wishing for more,
    -Brian
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is very cool poem good ryhm skeam i love it did you ever show the girl you wrote it for or did you just come up with it???/

    well write on poet write on

    Over and out!
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by shygirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Longing, love, the one to call your own. Poetry is the mark of the mind pressed upon paper. You conveyed a good sense of emotion here. The structure could use a bit more...structure. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      Of course, it is great. I expect no less from you. So, is she back? Is that why the sun shone on you again? Or is it just from within?
    The first four or so lines made me happy for you; I hope that they are true.
    I have heard nothing from you the last couple of times I've written, so I'll expect the same now. I just wanted to say good job on this. As usual.
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by ber | [ Reply to This ]
      well, very cute. compairing your loved one to sunshine.

    You have the weather imagery all there to keep in theme.

    but C1 - V2: "It brought its light on into my life"
    "That are the oneís holding you tight"
    I think you should remove the on it is superfluous.
    C3- V6 "That are the oneís holding you tight"
    I think you should remove the one's (you have a typo here shoulbe be ones)
    they seem awkward and do not add or retract any meaning.

    I really like the expression storms of night it has such a great depth, very well expressed to show despair and pain.

    Overall it is a good job, would probably make a song I'd want to hear.
    Good luck
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]


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