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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Good, The Bad, and For Billydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 378
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1012
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2379



    Description:
       Think Western-"Clint Eastwood but Older"-and Dad-what happened to Dad.?????


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Good, The Bad, and For Billydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I listened to your advice
    On the doís and don'ts;
    The righteous way of life.
    Dad always said;
    If they catch ya,
    youíre gonna wish you were dead.
    Death is honorable oposed to their way.
    Well this time Mom, I didnít get away.
    I did bad Mom,
    real bad.
    I donít think Iíll be coming home.
    But what I did
    I did for you and Dad.

    Two things Dad often said to me and Billy;
    Be brave and always stick up for your family.
    He always thought so much of us kids.
    He made us tough. He made us real men Mom.
    Just like he is.

    But this small town.
    Everyone in your business,
    Always poking around,
    and giving hell to us kids.
    All we asked was to be left alone.
    We weren't and disrespect was shown.
    It was a mess that we couldnít avoid.
    Mom I swear Iím sorry but they gave me no choice.
    They kept pushing me,
    Then they cornered me in.
    You know me Mom,
    What they did to Billy,
    Wasnít going to happen to me,
    NOT HERE, NOT AGAIN.

    This time I got em Mom- I really got em!
    Right between the eyes I shot him.
    Billy was my brother, Billy was my best friend.
    This was the only way Mom,
    this letter could ever end.
    Don't be mad at me,
    he's still the same ole Billy.

    Mom, I wrote this note yesterday.
    On a piece of paper about to blow away.
    I thought how ironic if it were to find you,
    Since I wasnít going to be able to.
    Mom, don't cry but I had to die.
    I stood with courage
    and not a drop of fear in my eyes.
    To ensure your happiness with my life,
    to me is fair.
    I just wish me and Billy could be there.

    Just like Dad taught us;
    If youíre gonna fight,
    make sure the gains outweigh the losses,
    and everything else will be alright.
    Hey Mom, me and Billy are gonna go have a drink;
    He says Hi,
    We're gonna go talk about the good times,
    and forget about the bad that's now passed us by

          love always,
           your boys





    Submitted on 2005-05-19 03:52:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      YOU HAVE REACHED THIS PAGE IN ERROR, PLEASE CLICK ON THE FOLLOWING LINK TO READ THE POETRY MASTER VANCROWN!

    http://www.eliteskills.com/u/vancrown

    PS Not nice to advertise on a poem! Don't make me send the man in the ski mask round to read you the encyclopedia of etiquette! <main page is fine!>
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay...I like this but something inside is saying thats bull... the mom would not want her other son to die or go to prison.
    but I liked the story of it, again everything fits and rhymes and flows....I still like it better whe your dirty or more...hhmm true to your life.
    to who you are.
    later babe

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, since you declared war on my page I figured one cassis belli deserves a fair response, in kind, or out of kind, or of a kind, of SOME kind.

    So, here I am.

    The great thing about this poem is that it tells a story, and that's something I like to see. Something from the innards to us outtards. If it's a glimpse into your real life or purely a fabrication of your imagination, well, that doesn't really matter. It's the writing that counts.

    There are a few points that are unclear. What is the cause of this conflict? Why are they boys willing to go down shooting? We never really see exactly what that is, though you've hinted at some lack of respect, still, I'd like an example of what gave such offense. And there seems a history of Dad here too, hinted at but never quite solidified. It asks the question . . . what about dad? The style you've chosen to tell your story is effective and the diction is apt and good throughout. I can find no flaw except perhaps the repetitive use of "mom", if only because there might be a couple too many of them and it was distracting. But really that's my only gripe. I thought this was good. With a little more story to fill in the blanks, it could be GREAT.
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Impressive.
    You might want to correct the spelling of oposed to opposed, losses instead of losses and alright instead of allright.

    At a point I thought it is a guy writing to his mother from jail, then you hit us that you shot yourself.

    I am not sure why you shot the man and why you shot yourself. I was a bit confused.
    So before going on further with my comment I will re- read and continue on.

    Well this goes like the letter of an innocent child to his mom, after doing something he knows would upset her. I like the style, the simple wording and the occasional rhyme here and there, that came so naturally, adding up tp the rhythm.

    I've read a lot of pieces today, adn the one I read before this one almost made me leave, but I said one more. And here I am looking at a wonderful piece, written from a dead man's point of view.

    Innovative and well worked. All I would like to know is what happened so you had to shoot the man, to die and so your brother dies too.

    A fine tribute to parents and family even if done in a very unusual way, seen with eyes of what any society will consider as a criminal. Yet it seems as a cry out to self defense and to stand up to your family no matter what, and to be there for them when they need it.

    A good lesson to learn in very un-preachy way.
    This piece makes my faves list.

    Peace
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, I haven't been commenting much lately on ES, but after I read this... I just had to say something. I thought it was great. Just great. The reason why I really loved it is because of the theme of sacrificing for the family - the heartfelt touch in it just really pulled at my heart strings. Family bonds isn't something that I strongly have, or to be more precise, something that I strongly feel... so when I read the lines of your writing, I just really felt touched. The choice of your simple language in this poem really made a straightforward and sincere feel to the poem, and that's something that strikes out for me too. I find that it goes well with the family theme too, because it's funny that I never really realised it before this, but among our families, we're usually more straightforward in telling what we want. That's just what I think of course. Anyway, this was really really a good write. I'm definitely adding it to my favourites! Thanks for sharing this great piece!
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
      the comments below are just comments from the earlier post-I didn't want to just disreguard comments for they were not the problem with this piece-I was
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is top notch writing. I can't find anything negative to say about it, the language you used altering your own dialect was excellent, stepping out of your comfort zone on this one, great write. It hit me hard, this piece is very sad and heartfelt, even though imaginary it touched me for sure. Another fav...
    Take Care,
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

    [ Edit ] [ Delete ] .: :. | Poetry |
    interesting point of view. you have a knack for taking inspiration and really transforming it into something brilliant! this was a nice write! Billy the Kid? is it? or maybe not, but i still liked the suspense it brought. I was reading faster and faster just to find out who he killed or if he even killed someone, only to find out he was dead. nicely done, very clever, as you are so very famous for...
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 | by Tinasha | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

    [ Edit ] [ Delete ] .: :. | Poetry |
    Wow. I love this piece. This is VERY original. I have never heard or read anything like this before.Good job. You cease to amaze me.
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

    [ Edit ] [ Delete ] .: :. | Poetry |
    This is perfect, and should not be changed in any way. It is actually quite original, not clearly about death or depression, and slightly sinister, the way I like to read 'em. Ahh, the emotion and thought that seems behinid it appears quite deep and held my attention the whole way through as I was not quite bound on commenting at the time, but you held my attention, and therefore deserved some commentary. This poem has inspired me, I may be in the mood to write something more, something new...maybe.

    We shall see on that farfetched idea that I'll end up writing at the moment. I told my friend to call me and tell me someone was dead to provoke me to write, but...it didn't work. She told me my friend Matt was dead, though I knew he wasn't. And she didn't sound serious. I've gone through this once before, and that's not the way she sounds when telling me someone has died who is close to us. But anyway, I truly liked this piece, and it almost looked like certain parts of it subtly rhymed.

    My favorite liine:
    'Mom, I wrote this yesterday
    On a piece of paper about to blow away.
    I thought how ironic if it were to find you.
    Since I wasnít going to be able to.'

    -I'm not sure if you expected that or not, but this one has so much symbolism, even if you hadn't first intended it that way. Ironic, that word is overused in my mind after stupid assessments in school, for the state or whatever. Irritating, I love to write, but that was easy and boring, and irony was said in the test at least 6 times. Anyway, hope your days gone well...see ya later.

    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      This one really comes across to me as a western tale. Maybe Billy is reminding me of Billy the Kid, but I think the freewheeling, guntoting, killing angle feels like that or maybe like a western movie.

    That being said, it's not the typical bullsh-it, bravado sort of thing we usually see in western movies; it's a heartfelt internal look at what a person in that situation was really feeling.

    The last two stanzas read like later add-ons by the hero. The second to last starts with "Mom, I wrote this note yesterday." leading me to think he's adding on the next day. Here, he thinks he's going to die. In the last stanza, he's off to get a drink, so I assume it's another, even later addition. You might want to somehow clarify that, more blank lines, different font, I don't know.

    This thing just drips originality. Unusual setting, unusual point of view, unusual story.

    I like it a lot.
    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    59532

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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