[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Counting Timedots

    Author: riverseo
    ASL Info:    18/Male/Belfast
    Elite Ratio:    4.17 - 24/34/13
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 872
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1763

       i haven't been here in a good few months...hence i have seemingly picked up some dead sheep :P....I suppose i like narrative pieces...something that tells a story, a stroy that allows you into a different state of mind or at least view what another state of mind is like no matter how pretentious the situation of it (a depressed dead poet is i guess quite clichéd) ahh well let me know your thoughts...this is one of my own personal favourites of my own...so at least i hope some of you out there enjoy it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCounting Timedots

    A man slumped over a wooden desk
    Shadowed from the shining sun
    Spilled ink reaching out like tentacles,
    Into the darker recesses of the room

    Pen still in hand, as it was in life
    Writing the final words
    Of a corpse’s final, unheard prayer,
    Unhappy words filled with despair

    Hear the dead man’s final plea
    Listen to understand his condition
    Of someone who lost the will to live
    Hear how he counted time…..

    One, two, three

    The seconds go past

    So slowly

    How long will it last

    Four, five, six

    Time will end surely

    In the Styx

    I grin cheerily

    Seven, eight, nine

    My story is done

    Forgive this rhyme

    Now that I am gone


    Sad words fill the silence,
    That quiet place in your head
    Think over the emptiness inside
    The man who didn’t want life

    In his other hand he held
    The chalice of his demise
    A poisoned wine so sweet to his soul
    That he welcomed death with open arms
    Counting the seconds
    Until he couldn’t feel anymore.

    Submitted on 2005-05-19 07:25:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      excellent, original, telling,and interesting.

    no teen angst,very cool
    drama,fiction and cool death of the ever passionate poet,needed like the ink in a pen
    wwwooooa think i found a fav.

    even feel like reading some of my works

    thanks for the life blood injection
    thanks for leaving me with enough mystery to use MY imagination

    kid welcome back
    paulie d

    watch out for those ugly sheep
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by paulie d | [ Reply to This ]
      I love a good narative too bro. I try and branch out, challenge myself, but I always come back to it. This one is effective in my opinion. I see the scene, I feel the sorrow...if anything I want to know a little more about why he killed himself. If he were a loved one to me and I read that suicide note, I would be very frustrated, as it tells me nothing as to what he was feeling or why he did it. Then again, there are always these feelings when someone takes his own life.

    The opening stanza was very descriptive and well written. If I have a complaint it would be that a lot of the remainder of the piece is rather repetitive in content without really givng very much information thus lacks emotion to some extent. But overall it works in a kind of poe-esque kind of way.
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    prison written by ShyOne
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Carry written by saartha
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Love written by saartha
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The World written by jjd
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]