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    dots Submission Name: Commited to Apathydots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 822
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 971

       I think you will probably get this pretty easily. I guess I wanna know if you like it...what you feel when you read it...if you are the girl or the apathetic nurse...what role can you see yourself in,I dunno, maybe you get what I am saying.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCommited to Apathydots

    she's standing in the hall, smiling
    she's insane and you don't care
    she's about to make the fall, crying
    but she's insane so you are unaware

    Hair falling in her face
    tears coloring her cheeks
    nails a sickly yellow
    her body frail and weak

    But she's insane so you don't see

    that her life is cut down to seconds
    you don't know that she is hurt today
    living in silence and twiddling her thumbs
    walking around living in pain

    she's insane and unimportant
    your not to blame, she's just a patient
    it's not your job to care
    so you turn away, unaware

    she's standing in the hall, smiling
    but she's insane so you don't care
    she's about to make the fall, dying
    but she's just a patient so you don't care

    Submitted on 2005-05-19 09:25:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i thought it was pretty cool.
    "nails a sickly yellow" this line was cool and a lot of other ones too. but i gotta run. just thought i'd check this one out. it's nice. keep on writing.
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      dont listen to crash most poets or writters when giving someone else advice on thier writtings try to configure you writting to theirs which is a bunch of bs i liked the poem and somehow it ment something to me which is strange seeing that i know no one insain i guess i can sortof relate to it since ive been called insain and that alot of people dont care and most just choose to ignore well keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by darkonesgirl | [ Reply to This ]
      butbutbut lose the word but, then toss this back in the bag and shake it up for a different structure. Your message is evident. The concept is pretty cool too. Try to follow me here as I comment on your structure. Your word choices were determined by an absolute need to make this thing rhyme. Your first verse is the same as...

    I fried an egg
    The egg burned but I don't care,
    Grease popped and burned my leg,
    But the egg burned because I was unaware.

    As you can see, I have written the same thing over and over. While I wouldn't necessarily ball this whole thing up and start over, I would definitely wear out some erasers on it. Rework the rhyme scheme as it changes from abab in the 4th stanza to aabb. Try to hold onto the concept you have chosen. The concept and and message you are sending have hit the bulls eye... there is just not much need to overdo it. keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
      (well first of all i work with patients that are mentally ill) and i dont believe that many people in that profession dont care...sometimes i do take my job home with me, cause you see some really sad things...

    but anyways i think this was a very nice display of feeling insane...when you get a bit older...that feeling just gets more prominent! LOL

    nice job
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by ThaCrib | [ Reply to This ]
      indeed the topic is excellent.i thinks i play both roles.one of my personal thoughts is"everyone is everything,at one time or another"
    i leave that vauge on purpose.the nurse is nieve(dontknow if i spelled that right but)
    she is nieve,because she Will...
    be that patient one day
    this is what i got.
    you protrayed an emotion very well in my opinion.and as i said in other words...
    i have apathy for both
    delivery could be worked on,
    as mine could lol
    all in all u achieved in me what you sought..lol

    wes all toyysruss
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]

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