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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The day we started ..............dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 730
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1057



    Description:
       love this girl so much. I think to much for my own good. j/k. please comment


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe day we started ..............dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The day we started going out
    Our love blossomed like a flower on sunny spring day.
    I said I would sacrifice to be with you
    And I fulfilled that promise
    I gave up the homicidal and suicidal tendencies.
    Now I say
    I will sacrifice to stay with you.
    Anything you want or need
    I will get or do.
    I'll will treat you like diamond.
    I love everything from your feet to your dirty blond hair that flows under the sun.

    The day we started going out
    Our love blossomed like a flower on sunny spring day.
    I'll be here for you when you need a friend
    or when you just need a lover.
    I will hold you tight while we dance under the moonlight.
    I will kiss your neck very lightly while I light the candles for the romantic scene.

    The day we started going out
    Our love blossomed like a flower on sunny spring day.
    I hope these flowers live forever
    even though we're teenagers, but somehow it will work out.




    Submitted on 2005-05-19 14:17:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      good poem of an admiration but it seems a bit shallow when i read it. Sorry but i think that no words that gave me a goosebumps since the beginning of the verses until"I hope this flower live forever". BUt overall you've done good grammar job,even better than mine.Unlike me ...sigh
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by Soldier O_Tears | [ Reply to This ]
      well i do have to say it is not your best piece and the spelling was fine, but the flow was really choppy and didn't last the entire way through the poem, and one other thing i would have to say that you are starting to sound borderline obessed with this girl, that is just what it sounds like to me so please don't get pissed, and I'm glad that you brought reality into this poem with the lines "even though we're teenagers, but somehow it will work out" because being teenagers parents and school and everything else always seem to [censored] up our relationships.
    ~liz~
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi again, Lost Sheep here.

    I got your note mentioning that you spellchecked. Upon a second read it looks like some of your errors might be better classified as homonym problems than spelling errors.

    Here's what I think you mean:
    Line 2: OUR LOVE blossomed... (repeated later)
    Line 5: ...suicidal TENDENCIES
    Line 8: ANYTHING you want...
    Line 11:.....feet to YOUR dirty .....

    2nd stanza, 5th line: ...under the MOONLIGHT
    2nd stanza last line:
    ...while I LIGHT the CANDLES for the....

    3rd stanza last line:
    ... though WE'RE TEENAGERS, but SOMEHOW it ...


    Please take this as friendly help. Your poem's substance is solid.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Good work, "theman". The thoughts that come through in this work are more mature than your years.

    There are quite a few spelling errors that you need to address here. If I cn be weerd too mak a pount, stuf lik this kynd ov brakes up yur gud wrk. I not saying you spell nearly that bad; what I'm hinting at is that I'm sure stumbling over those words made it hard to grasp my point. Similarly, when your readers stumble over mispelled words, it's all too common for them to lose your thoughts.

    And your thoughts are what's really important.

    Looking forward to the next one,
    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      that was incredibly sweet. My husband and I got together as teenagers and it reminded me of the early days of our relationship. Good work.
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]


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