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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tears of Deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Blindly-N-Love
    ASL Info:    17/F
    Elite Ratio:    4.61 - 197/141/29
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Misc/Alone
    Total Views: 281
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 966



    Description:
       This I just wrote one day, I really like the first stanza, and the rest of the poem might not be that good or fitting, but I liked it, So I hope you enjoy it!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTears of Deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    With every last gasping breath,
    She knows she's closer to her last,
    With her hand on her breast,
    Feeling every heart-beat pass.

    She doesn't dream of tomorrow,
    Or the fact of being alone.
    She doesn't want anyones sorrow,
    She know's she must move on.

    To know whats really out there,
    It makes her tears burn as they fall,
    On her pale skin, thats now bare,
    She wished no one could find her at all.

    She figured if she could disappear,
    Everyone would wuit hurting.
    And her silent screams and tears,
    Will, with death, quit flirting.

    Because if she continues to persue,
    This thought of suicide,
    She'll have no other option to choose,
    Except, her written goodbye.

    A once flourecent soul,
    Turned black as ever,
    As she turns cold,
    And sleeps forever.




    Submitted on 2005-05-20 14:34:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was an excellent piece...I can relate to this a lot...I've been so depressed at times that I've felt like letting it all go, but frankly I don't have the courage...oh well...the rhyming flowed well, and I didn't pick up any mistakes...good job
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by t0_eazy | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the piece overall but love the first and especially the last stanzas. some of the stanzas were a little too blunt for my liking. they tell it like it is without trying to use imagery to draw the reader to the same conclusion on their own.

    like i said, good overall piece. :)
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by painfullyme | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the over all structure of this peice.

    Each section is emphasized by its passion. This is a really good peice. Keep up the good work.

    You really are making good progress.
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]
      hey first off thanks for your comment on "On the Floor", i love getting comments and not just views. its always nice to hear constructive criticism and it really helps both the critic and writer benefit in the end-

    i liked the message of your poem. though it was on a very common subject i thought you gave more perspective into the depths of a subject that's become quite shallow

    i do think though that you could benefit by trying a structure not so limiting. i felt that some stanzas were denied full achievement of writing perfection because of the rhyme's limit. free verse, though not as clean as strict rhyming, allows a lot for emotion and imagery. or you can even try your own rhyming structure, and rhyme where you feel it fits...so what if it's not standard...shake it up a little

    nice overall, looking forward to more

    -Cherie
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by throughmyvoice | [ Reply to This ]
      Really good piece. You've written it beautifully and it has really good imagery. The language you use is also beautiful.

    A once flourecent soul,
    Turned black as ever,
    As she turns cold,
    And sleeps forever.

    That is so awesome, really relate to it and understand it. Yet every other stanza is quite as good. Terriffic Job!
    | Posted on 2005-05-21 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]



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