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    dots Submission Name: A Consequence of Desperationdots

    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 20
    Class/Type: Haiku/Passion
    Total Views: 805
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 124


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    dotsA Consequence of Desperationdots

    In the darkness we come together--
    A crashing of teeth and lips
    I ice my bruised mouth after you're gone.

    Submitted on 2005-05-21 10:06:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      you know what i feel with this? this sounds like one of those horribly awkward kisses in the middle of a club. Like music blaring hormones racing something hot comes along and [censored] happens but nothing too gracefull as you're both drunk out of your mind. Or one of those kisses where you're both lungin' at each other so hard your teeth grind behind your lips.

    then again my vision may have very little to do with what this is about as that does seem like quite the stretch.

    either way i like this. i like the format too, i may have to give it a try once or so.

    see ya round
    | Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually like it, and thats rare for a haiku. Also, I think I could relate to it...anyway, the crashing of teeth and lips..hmm, when I kiss, my teeth and lips don't crash nor should they really meet often. this must be someone who enjoys it rough, but its a little unsettling to me. now if it was tongue and lips, I would soo agree.
    | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]
      short but real good. sometimes the lesser the words the longer the tale and the bigger the thought. good job on this. I like your style, right to the point.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
      w00t w00t! you wrote a haiku! i've been trying my hand at these for a while now. i'm glad to see that you have skill for this type of poetry. i love the concept of this piece. nice imagery. such an emotional impact in so few words. that's the art of haiku, and you know how to use it! great job! ^_^
    hugs and ninja chicks,
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by dark_and_dreary | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is great
    I can not seem to relate
    Quite good miss drowning.

    You're words, a token
    Exceptionally spoken
    Big Bill is frowning.

    On my hill I stand. In my own whispers and shadows, I write this. Up high on mountains, looking down to the fountains, I stand above all and reign supreme.

    BB ohh. kudos-
    | Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]
      So, you made me go reserch Haiku. Tough way to write. It seems funny to me that it would be harder to write less word/syllables than more.

    I liked this piece. I invision two desperate souls begging to connect with someone else. The darkness implies a sense of lonliness or nothingness, and when these two find each other in that darkness they collide. The collision is so intense that even the teeth impact. (If you've even been punched in the mouth this will make sense.) The sadness of the last line ripped at me. Ice, a soothing item, for the pain left from both the collision and the loss.

    Very well done,
    I'm gonna have to try this form- if I'm brave enough.
    | Posted on 2005-05-21 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      now this is an example of the english haiku, right? Cuz i remember trying ou some of these and being told that mine were not true haiku's since they lacked a reference to nature. But that the english hiaku was different in format. So is this an english hakiu?

    Anyway, to the piece itself.

    I like the imagry in the second line (a crashing of teeth and lip). It makes you think about maybe a passionate kiss. But the finale line made me rethink that second line all together. Like maybe the crashing of teeth and lips was more symbolic of two different worlds colliding (or hearts). Maybe a representation of two different people trying to come together but havnig a tough go at it (I ice my bruised mouth ...) Then finally just giving up (...after you're gone. ) That understanding kinda made the title fit.

    But that's just my spin.

    Maybe you could tell me what emotions you where expressing here.

    Plus maybe you could tell me if what you thought of my own so-called "haiku" IT's called 'An ode to poetry" and the other's called "an untitled hiaku"

    YOu don't have to but i figured since you seem more knowledgeable about this style than me that you could help me a bit.

    Nonetheless, i realy enjoyed this read

    | Posted on 2005-05-21 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      It used to be that I never, ever kissed guys when I dreamed about them, but the first time I ever did, I screwed up horribly. I grinned right before he kissed me and so he kissed my teeth.

    So this makes me think of that. Very interesting piece, especially the new format. Which I admit threw me off until I read the description. It makes this relationship sound quick, crazy, and altogether exhilirating, even the pain which seems to come inevitably at the end of it. What was your source of inspiration? Anyhoo, very good write.

    | Posted on 2005-05-31 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      This is short but very good. I like the rawness of it, the straight to the point, almost brutal tone of it. It is very open to interpetation and there is absolutly nothing wrong with that. This is very good. Excellent job.
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by rockunsilenced | [ Reply to This ]

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