[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Devil and Dylandots

    Author: Von Django
    ASL Info:    32/M/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 119/148/32
    Words: 556
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 1035
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3206

       Just a short I did while ago, set in Vietnam. My first story submission - any thoughts or feelings welcome, as long as its not technical. Lyrics from various songs by Bob Dylan.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Devil and Dylandots

    Raw fire, burning in his veins. That's what it feels like to be a warrior. Jacked up on napalm, like the rest, bayonet and rugged M16 slung over a sweat stained vest. Boys will be boys. Squeals of exotic birds and the ebb of the tide cant be heard over the sharp barks of gunfire and the din of shrapnel, pleas and screams. Something must be done about that. The senses must be shut off. Headphones have the answer, his own auditory sanctuary. Soon the soothing tones of Dylan fill the air, and the pain and anger and regret bleed away, softly.

    Done so many evil things in the name of love,
    It's a crying shame
    I never did see no fire that could put out a flame.

    The alien face is upturned, innocent, almost curious. But it can't mask the devil inside, oh no, he can't be fooled that easily. The hammer is pulled back with a sharp click, the tunnel of chrome swings downwards. He takes off his mirror shades, black against the sun, bleak substitutes that hide a look more sinister and souless, cold against the tropical warmth and chemical heat that burns in his blood. He wants her to know he is the power, the better, the end.

    You gonna need my help, sweetheart
    You can't make love all by yourself....

    She takes it all in her mouth, obediantly, bites down as it is pushed further and further down her throat. Choke. Not yet, not when there's still such fun to be had. Restraint is a virtue. Hate must be channelled. The whore. Dirty kinky filthy whore. She's loving every second of it, with those innocent eyes and dark, tanned skin. Hammer strikes anvil, anvil makes the spark that explodes in the mouth, carrying the fragments of bone and brain, splattering over the rotten floorboards. But not just yet.

    Are you ready, hope you're ready.
    Am I ready, am I ready?

    The lyrics and mantras screaming in his head, the burning butane in the blood urging him on, his own, personal song. He feels the teeth give way, wrenched from their sockets, crunching and cracking, caking the chrome in sticky fluid. Red, after all. She can't last much longer, and he can't resist, can't hold back. Such temptation, such delights he has found in this exotic land, amongst the howl of battle. Delights the others just wouldn't understand. Just a bit longer..... just.......

    There. Relief. He couldn't believe how easy it was. Everything's blue in her world, fuzzy, spilling out of her head. The birds cackle and fly higher into the sky, feathered plumes glistening in the light. Trembling fingers fumble for a cigarette, a gentle comedown after too much excitement. The tragic expense of others. But it's good to indulge, once in a while, if only to keep sane. And the blood on his hands, the smoke in his lungs and the voices screaming in his head, urge him to go on.

    Shadows are falling and I been here all day
    It's too hot to sleep and time is running away
    Feel like my soul has turned into steel
    I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal.

    Submitted on 2005-05-21 11:13:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmmmmmmmmm... a very interesting, thought provoking and sickening story,

    like Civilian I agree that,
    'He feels the teeth give way, wrenched from their sockets, crunching and cracking, caking the chome in sticky fluid. Red, after all.'

    makes you feel quesy. Really sick to the stomach, like I'm seeing it all happen. That is a good thing, because it just shows your power as a writer, you managed to entice me with the perversion and horror of this piece through the way you've written it, and the intertextualising of Dylan's songs, give this an eerie feel, as I can hear it whilst picturing this violence.. but its a very clever touch to showing just how affected and disturbed this soldier is.

    I felt sorry for both the victim and the perpetrator.

    thanks for this read,
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      That was intense. I've read it thrice now, and the only 'criticism' I have is that it hits you so hard that it's hard to take in anything other than revulsion at the actions presented. The imagery was very, very effective in communicating just how barbaric humans are capable of being:

    'He feels the teeth give way, wrenched from their sockets, crunching and cracking, caking the chome in sticky fluid. Red, after all.'

    That segment honestly made me slightly queasy, and I can't think of a better way of representing cruelty and violence (shudder).

    I liked the use of the Dylan lyrics to map the psyche of the soldier- first to foreshadow the 'evil things' he will do and possibly take a snipe at American involvement in Vietnam. The next two excerpts act as a justification and preparation in his mind for the 'fun' he's about to have, and finally the mental scars that the whole thing will leave.

    There's a lot more I could comment on in this piece, but a lot of it is overshadowed by the sheer brutality of the narrative.

    I thought this was very powerful...it's not something I'd want to read again but it does act as a very potent expression of violence and cruelty.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, very powerful discriptions there, my friend.
    The way that you put all those feelings into such flowing sentances was very nice. Not many people could discribe something so ..pianful.. that well.
    The emotions built up and died down in the proper way, giving the reader a heartwrenching feeling.
    Very nice job-
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Von Django. I'm a big Dylan fan, so this title attracted me. I think your images here are solid, and you keep your language from becoming pretentious (a big problem for a lot of writers). I like the rapid pace of your sentences in this case. It wouldn't work in many stories, but here it adds to the atmosphere of chaos and brutality. I sense a thematic structure to the piece, but that could just be me. Good use of language throughout this story, I think. It shows that you have strong writing skills.

    As for ways the story could be improved, it's hard to say. It's according to what you want to do with it. If you were looking to make your characters stronger you could add some sort of exposition, instead of starting immediately with your point of attack (the point where the action begins). I wouldn't do that, though. It would slow your pace (besides, I don't think characterization is necessarily important here). You might want to take out the whole alien angle, make it a human woman (this would disturb some people, but hey, it's not a nice story) and set it in an actual war (Vietnam, maybe). Another idea is to take this, put it all in past tense, and make it part of a larger story.

    Whatever the case, it's a good scene, and worth working on.
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]