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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Enddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lee Minsu
    ASL Info:    20/Male/Seoul
    Elite Ratio:    4.61 - 101/96/27
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1095
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 849



    Description:
       A reflection on my current life....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Enddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Watching you
    Seeing your bags
    Slowly being filled with your clothes
    Our memories
    Sweet anecdotes of our past
    But you have to go
    Must moves on
    To faraway lands
    To a new future
    Without me
    For I am just beginning
    As you are ending
    I will miss those days
    Of life full of joy
    Full of surprises
    Wrapped with some sensual healing
    From dates to movies
    To walking up on Sunday mornings
    By your side
    I say goodbye
    For you must leave
    For brighter days
    While I stay
    Adjust to what it means to be young in school
    But no matter what
    Or with who
    I will hold your name
    Your face
    Your beauty
    Within my heart
    Deep in my soul







    Submitted on 2005-05-21 23:28:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Minsu, or is it Lee? I'm not sure. Anyway, I think this poem wants to slow down even more. I think your long lines detract from the effectiveness of the piece, from the contemplative feel of the four syllable line. I would suggest stressing four syllables a line and relineating it to fit that. And if not 4 syllable, the make the line di-podic (two feet) which could allow for five syllables as long as two next to each other are unstressed. I thnk that trimming would enhance the poem. It would keep your reader closer, slower, more with you, and add a strong rhythm to the piece.
    I do agree with DQ on the
    "But ya gotta go
    Must moves on"
    The 'ya' clashes with the poem as a whole. However, if you did the same thing through out the poem it would add an interesting voice to the whole piece. Now... if you're quoting someone and using someone elses voice for that line, and that could work, show your readers that by putting it in quotes.
    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good "Lee". Well written, and very poetic.
    I think overall it is a great view on "Moving on" I guess you could say. Anyhow, Best of luck.
    - Kudos. Big Bill on his hill.
    | Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one. Very fitting for your current situation. Is it new? Or do I just not remember it.

    I think "While I say" should be "stay"

    And the lines:
    But ya gotta go
    Must moves on
    don't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem (and you know how much I hate bad grammar).
    It might be better as:
    But you have to go
    Must move on

    Just a suggestion. Otherwise this is an excellent piece. Heartbreaking yet with an air of hope- hope that everything went the way it was supposed to go and will turn out all right in the end (a bit of a double entendre in the title if you look at it that way).

    Anyway, you kick ass.

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]


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