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Rememories


Author: Olah89
ASL Info:    16/M/WA
Elite Ratio:    8 - 24 /11 /3
Words: 283
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 919
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2165



Description:


These piece...was written at 4:24AM. I could not sleep. Please don't harshly degrade my writing...I have not edited it. Hahahhaa. Mostly, these is meant only for suven, but I realize my stalkers will read it too. Ohh ya, and Mimi...This is not the poem I wrote you I was talking about. Hahhahaha. You'll have to wait for that one. Hehehe! ~Andy


Rememories



long lonely days,
minutes turn into lifetimes.
Saddness fills,
remembering back to past.

Many nights I wait for you,
Each second...dying to talk to you.
I cry, longing to see your face,
remembering back to past.

The world attempts to pervert,
to twist and destroy.
I grow angry, frustrated,
remembering back to past.

I know that I cannot feel remorse,
to be your soldier.
So I curse the world,
remembering back to past.

I know that one day,
I will fall;It will not be today.
One thing saves me,
remebering back to past.

Knowing I had wronged you,
praying you'd forgive,
I waited anxiously for our meeting.
remembering back to past.

Meeting day came,
For every turn of head,
gances were wasted.
remebering back to past.

My head and stomach in unison,
spinning and churning.
unknowing of future events.
remembering back to past.

suddenly...she appeared.
Out of the million faces,
her's took shape, smiling back.
Remebering back to past.

Instantaneously nothing mattered anymore.
All podering hours obliterated,
all anxious thoughts demolished.
remembering back to past.

As the mouths of an audience drop watching a dagger juggler
My cares slipped away.
She smiled back, saying "It's ok"
remembering back to past.

No words would've been comforting,
unless spoken by the lady you love.
She understood, a sigh...
remembering back to past.

Then she reiderates, "I love you, did you forget?"
i feel foolish,
embarrassed, doubtful.
remembering back to past.

Suddenly I realize,
I hadn't remembered back to past.
For her love has always been with me,
remembering back to past would've saved me...

dedicated to my Mimi




Submitted on 2005-05-22 06:32:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Hi. Well, I will be nice for once. It's always a pleasure to read poems my friends have posted, as I already told you. Suggestion: Maybe not be so obvious as who you're writing to. I mean, mysteriousness can be a nice component in a relationship, no? But that's your choice. If you didn't write Suven's name all over the place, I am positive she still would have realized this was for her. Okay? Also, I suggest separating this poem into a few. It seems like you have a few themes in it. There were some good things in it too that I will point out...
"As the mouths of an audience drop watching a dagger juggler" I liked this line, because it spiced it up a bit...which to be honest, this write needs a bit more of spicin' up.
Maybe, instead of just coming out and telling exactly what you mean, you could add a bit of poeticness such as...the second stanza. I really think you do a good job getting across your feelings though, which is an important skill a lot of people struggle with....I look forward to reading more!

Right on.
-LucyDiamond
| Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know if you've ever read a book called Beloved, by Toni Morrison, but this poem really, -really- reminded me of it :) Your poem seems to fit in about 'rememories' which is the same word she uses at times, but her book's about slavery, and the bond between mothers/daughters. I can't tell whether you're writing from a male/female standpoint - I'll presume male, and that the 'she' of the poem is someone the speaker loves. Think when you've fixed the few grammar mistakes etc, this'll be a great poem :)

Xaphy
| Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by Xaphy | [ Reply to This ]
  This is such a beautiful write. Thats all I really can say, because you said you wrote it in the morning, so you really can't comment on your mistakes.

Well anyways, in most ways I can relate, I think alot of people can. Maybe not the way, you went in your poem. But I always look to the past, its something that just happens naturally for me. I always say what if I didn't do this, would this happen. Would my life be better. Believe me, I had to make so many descions, now I feel back to where I used to be. Lost. But I really enjoyed this write. It was personal. I liked it alot though. And I did like how you siad you remembering back to the past.

Keep writing.
stephanie
| Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very good....i wont comment on the grammer because of the 4:00 am timing...heh...but i will talk.
You do use the remembering back to past a little too often but otherwise i think its excellent! the flow was kinda disrupted in places, but thats ok, cuz the feeling you put across made up for that. i could feel longing, and sadness, and realization, and then joy. to put so many feelings in one poem is an accomplishment. keep it up

nirvana
| Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by Nirvana | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this! Let me say that it has some great ideas, or phrases. It tells of anticipated love.
I think you can improve on it though, and I would suggest that you not repeat "remenbering back to past" so often.
Take your first 3 lines and run them together into longer stanzas and interject just enough "remembering back to past"s to set the illusion. I would also suggest a last line of "remembering saved me..."
Be cautious of your tenses, they seem to mix, past and present. You speak of her as "you" and then switch at one point to "she".
I liked "dagger juggler" it says so much in so few words. And "out of the million faces/her's took shape" is a very clear image. In S7 it should be "glances".
When you reduce this down you will most likely end up with 3 stanzas: sadness - meeting - joy.
Look for fresh ways of saying what you mean, as you did with "dagger juggler".

I enjoyed reading this, even if it was not intended that I should. It is a personal poem, but with just some work it could have universal appeal. Give it a try!

Phil
| Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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