i like it, i just love your voice. the only thing that stuck out to me is the second line of the second stanza, it felt out of place or out of flow with the other lines.
well i liked the first version when it was posted but i defently like the revision better...i think its reads alot better and i like the added words...and its also reads alot better because of it being seperated into three stanzas before it seemed rushed and was hard to capture the emotion of the write...but with the stanzas it give us breathing room to absorb each thought...each feeling that is expressed through the lines...i defently don't think its sucks...i really have no advice or any suggestions to change it because i really don't think it needs anything else...i think it stands fine how it is...purps
the last stanza is haunting. "We are born again to sin." So, true. I would like to read more on this poem, it appears that you can pour a bit more detail leading up to the final stanza. I feel it would make this point stronger. IMO
as i read this i found myself grabbing for everything i could take from it... your voice that comes through your work is so powerful and in this write it almost seems like your starving me... its so sparce and i have to work at making sense of the images youve put together...
i like how, when i actually looked at this, the end isnt as condemnitory as it would seem with the images of repentance and borne into sin if one takes into accont the
i think maybe it's my interpretation
i guess for me it sounds like you are uncommitted to how it actually sounds (and i realise im not making any sense right now...or atleast im not saying what im wanting to mean...) when you say maybe its my interpretation its like owning what you hear but admitting it may not be being said the way you are hearing it... ya know...? like its fighting through all the 'sunday static' to be understood so perhaps something has been misconstrued along the way...
anyways... i am quite blown away by this write and it feels finished... i dont think it sucks at all!
Submission Name: this transmission's set (edit)
