Awoke by longwinterdays

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Submission Name: Awoke dots

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Author:	longwinterdays
ASL Info:	18/f/wa
Elite Ratio:	4.75 - 182/174/51
Words:	119

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	216
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	869

Description:

Awoke

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Eyes of shimmery, icy blue
Frigidly boring into my soul
Knowing all before I speak
And,yet, still loving me

Arms as strong as steel
Holding me from harms reach
Surrounding me in your embrace
Making me feel loved

Smell of burbun and cigars
Cologne penetrating my pillow
Seeping into my shirt and staying
Comforting me as I sleep

Heart of an angel
Seemingly loving
Always caring about me
Wanting to be there through it all

..........................................

I awake with a start
That dream again
Where we were finally together...
Finally back together

Back in your arms...
The place where I belong
I try to sleep again
So no longer will I be alone

Submitted on 2005-05-24 00:14:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Oh, i had similar dream once, except it was of an imaginary person really. It is still very realistic, even if it is a dream. It conveyes the feeling of warmth actually pretty well, meaning the poem has nice flowing soothing voice, either that of the one holding you, or you yourself, being extremely loved and kind.
| Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by Ms. DejFruit | [ Reply to This ]
This is a nice poem, and I like that you didn't use rhyme. It's ambiguous at first, and then we realise it's just a dream. I liked it cos it describes really well how when you have a dream you really like, you quickly try to make yourself sleep again so you can go back to it lol.

S1: I like how this started but don't think 'frigidly' is a good word to use there, as its meaning doesnt make sense within that context. removing it would do no harm, and I don't like 'boring' either. 'boring into my soul' it doesn't seem gentle, more like being nosy lol. how about 'gazing into my soul' ? just a suggestion :)

I really like the lines
'Knowing all before I speak
And,yet, still loving me'
very clever and beautiful!

S3: Isn't it spelt bourbon? lol
I like this stanza very much but I feel that
'and staying
Comforting me as I sleep' makes it too choppy,
I think the 'and staying' should be removed, flows really nicely without it, and makes the same point. :)

The last stanzas are sad, especially the repetition of 'back together'..
I like the very last lines, but I feel somehow it lost its impact through the confusing wording of the last line, how about,
'So I will no longer be alone'
flows (that infamous flow! lol) much more nicely.

if this is based on a personal experience, I hope all is well, much hugs.

Thanks for the read, cheers.
| Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]

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