Habits
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All suggestions/alterations/etc appreciated
Thanks to all
Thanks to all
Habits
You hum to yourself in the mornings as you make a trip to the kitchen dragging me along. You run your fingers over my body, Wrapped in white sheets- Make the most of our moment, savour every drag you take - Each inhalation of my skin Every craving you satisfy. I used to give you a head rush- somewhat of a luxury, something enjoyable and you were compelled to increase your intake, to strike that match more often. Each time you drained me, crushed my passion leaving me crumbled and used Each time you came back, gave me another excuse to be, one more reason for an ECG until your taste buds lose all feeling and your body craves only the rush. No withdrawal symptoms are present, Your hands no longer tremble it’s just consumption of something that was once special, but you got used to it and made it your habit. My scent fills the rooms and stains the walls. You choke but refuse to open the window You’ve abused me and you cant breathe. Give it up It’s for all the wrong reasons.' |
Submitted on 2005-05-24 06:59:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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I liked this, taken from the cigarettes' point of view. The piece started out positive, then it slipped into the dark habit that smoking invariably becomes. Nice, original work. Take care.| | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ] | OK, slap me upside the head until I get it. Maybe it's me being a life long hater of all things tobaccan, but I didn't pick up on this at all. To be honest, at first I thought you'd written a bit of a substandard relationship piece where some of the lines made no sense at all. I know that you're a lot better than that, so I checked out the other comments and sure enough, I had missed the whole thing. LOL | After a second read, I like it a lot. To me, you've captured the utter senselessness of the whole habit. "It’s just consumption Of something that was once special But you got used to it And made it your habit" This is really great work, despite my airheadedness. Steve | Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ] | There is nothing you could do to make this any better than it is. Don't change a thing. Its brilliant. | dull lovelorn junkie another delicious drug begging for our blood Katia, "Habits" is the work of a big heart getting all twisted up with a brilliant mind. can't wait to read more lol, kc | Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ] | love affiar. or nic habit? love affair or nic habit?? | I think its a love affair of a nic habit . Or a love affair like a nic habit... we love whats so bad for us... we crave the empty phuck.. I think it's so funny.. This is happening to me alot... I wrote a poem ALOT like this... called "I cannot quite you" (it's about love affair or nic habit??) . I think you might gett off reading this... but enough about me... this poem is awseome. Okay.. cigs. are like nast mean lovers that linger in your blood stream till death... The ache never ends. very disheartening- I am not encouraged. You convey your ideas quite nicely, without a bunch of floofy flooof. The image iof white sheets made me think of " sex"" but the smoke.. well its a give way. but I am still contempalting... ya know, sic things. like scent and steam. I think thats enough. | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ] | That early morning cigarrette is the best and very refreshing after the overnight withdrawals...HA! Very vivid and descriptive and somewhat erotic. But, this could also be taken so many ways for anything you are "addicted" to that you know is bad for you but just dont wanna give it up, ya know? Thats what makes it a great piece. Well done indeed. Have a good one. | | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ] | As a smoker, i must say this is a great piece. Excellent job...Put me in the mind of my piece "The Number One Cause of Death". The extended metaphor is sick and your talent illuminates with this piece. Excellent job... | X | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ] | What a great metaphor to use. Never would've thought of this [of course that also could be b/c I don't smoke...]. Nice use of imagery here. Good tone, not overdone. Loved the stanza: | My scent fills the rooms Stains the walls You choke but refuse to open the window Nothing I can see that needs to be changed. Peace, Joey | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ] | you know...i never thought of it this way, but making a cigarette a lover??? hmmm he IS the only thing to touch my lips in a while! LOL | you have a seductive quality about your work, and this is no exception. almost makes me not feel so bad to smoke...umm till i got to the end that is...dang fags (UK word ladies and gents) have a hold on me! LOL nice piece kat! -nikki (your overseas homie!) | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ] | okay, I don't smoke- I tried to take it up in highschool where "everyone is doin' it"...but it didn't stick. But I have felt the addiction of attraction, the fix you just gotta have. I still deal with my "addiction" everyday, a ghost from my past. I wish they made a patch for the likes of him. | This is clever, and strong in your personifications. There are many things about this piece I loved... "Run your fingers over my body Wrapped in white sheets Make the most of our moment"- "My scent fills the rooms Stains the walls You choke but refuse to open the window" I love the imagery of you as a slender addiction rolled in the sheet. Love is a drag eh? Great job with this one, love. R. | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ] | Well, Kat, all I can say is QUIT! | As an ex-smoker (the worst kind) I enjoyed every little dig you implanted in this, you used a great "lover" type metaphor that fit the part perfectly. I can find nothing to critique, so we're running even. Why do we do it? (I have my thoughts but not here!) Great stuff, again Be Happy Graeme | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ] | You have such a unique form of expression. And you always have me wondering what the catch is! LOL | Girl, addiction...I guess this is what it's all about. Your sleeping pills. I can't ever wake up in the morning if I take one of those things. Or a muscle relaxer. Just give me some herb and I'm good! LMFAO Did I say that outloud. *looks around for the feds* I better get outta here! Li Li | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ] | I found myself looking forward to each new stanza. Each was packed with meaning and feeling and it was wildly entertaining. I couyldn't believe that it was about cigarrettes because it seems like a topic that would not come out so eloquent and passionate, but it absolutely did. I love so many of the ;lines I could not name them all. My fav. though was the one that reads, "left me crumbled and used..." that was brilliant. I love how you made the relationship between cig. and person one where the cig. resents the person draining it as much as we should hate ourselves for partaking in such a monstrously bad habit..."for all the wrong reasons" for sure! Really good write. | | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by Anniehodgkiss | [ Reply to This ] | life after the magic has gone. In a perfect world (or a good relationship) there is something positive to replace the magic. Sounds like here that is not the case...just hanging on...just a lack of ability to let go. | I like the way you describe the relationship as if an addiction to a drug...when one first becomes addicted it is a mad rush, a desire to reach that high. After a while the desire fades to necessity...the high is no longer reached, but the addiction forces one to keep chasing after it. Not sure what could be changed...maybe it could be condensed a little but I can't say exactly where...I'm a little short on time now so I'll revisit later... interesting theme for sure | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ] | This is definitely an original write. - as far as S1 - Hum and Along - worked great - It made me think of Song - Rhyming so it sounded right - it all fits (with no rhyme and all). Then the rest of the poem - I like the 3 liners - it makes the whole thing progress and grow into the next Stanza as it progresses- Then the last line - completed it - but ubruptly - Almost forced. | Still a good write. - this is going onto the Fav. list. Kind regards BX | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ] | Lol katia! | You've made me feel like an idiot.  I love this poem, absolutely adore it because I thought it was about a 'human relationship' it's ambiguous in that regard really.. it could be a metaphor for it..but I love this, this personification of the cigarette, never read a poem from it's point of view. ^_^ This was really clverly written, shows just how smoking can turn from an occasional 'luxury' to a pathetic habit. I just love the irony and comedy in this. You have such a way with driving your point home.. right to the very last line, which tied in nicely with the title. I'm sorry this isn't a good critique, as I can't offer any suggestions, I really enjoyed this. a definite fave. so very true. thanks for the read Tinker! ;) | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ] | Terrific! Let me join the others in saying how much I enjoyed this. (of course my wife made me take it outside to read it). At first I did not pick up on the metaphor... then I read it again. It is so cleverly written, it is easy to mistake it for a relationship, which in a way it is, at least a dependency. I've reviewed it and can find nothing to suggest for improvement, I think it is whole and complete. I just wanted to let you know that I found it to be thoroughly entertaining. I hope it is just one of a pack. | I did notice one thing, in S8 & S9 it seems to have changed verb tense. My favorite line, "one more reason for an ECG". Just a great piece and humorous, too. Loved it! Phil | Posted on 2005-05-31 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] | I sooo wish I could have a smoke right now. You made this so real for me. I have no complaints, and would just like to say Great job and keep it up. | Sorry my comment is so generic, but it's late and I'm tired. The baby won't let me sleep... I wish she was ready to be born. Unicorn. | Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ] | As you are most likely tired of reading this but I can relate to this as well. Wow, you were just inducted into 'Unspoken's hall of stinkin sweet writers' haha I like your style. I was in a relationship similar to this, except of course I was the male and I fell into a similar loss of exhileration, it becmae a habit, that I am regretful of still. Unfortunately I let the worst parts of a guy get the best of me, we both fell into a place we never wanted to be in... | *sigh* lol Love, why is we all spend our lives searching only to realize we will never be satisfied, we only want what we can't have... Take care, -Tom | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ] | hi there again, | i hope you are well, 'n' all you seem to have many comments here and so perhaps you do not need any more, but the way i see it is the thing you could look at in this piece more than anything else [should you wish to] is the form. you have a set out from to this piece and in my opinion it slightly undermines the diction and movement of your piece. reading a piece like this, which seems intentionally organic and 'unstructured,' in the way the words are presented, its seems to defeat itself by breaking up the words every 3 lines. i would question the following breaks in terms of timing: 'I used to give you a head rush Somewhat of a luxury Something enjoyable And you were compelled To increase your intake To strike that match more often,' and 'And you were compelled To increase your intake To strike that match more often Each time you drained me Crushed my passion Left me crumbled and used,' and then 'Each time you came back Gave me another excuse to be One more reason for an ECG Till your taste buds Lose all feeling And your body craves only the rush,' and even 'No withdrawal symptoms are present Your hands no longer tremble It’s just consumption Of something that was once special But you got used to it And made it your habit,' there is some evident inconsistency in your breaks because some of it breaks when you move from saying one thing to the next, like you do in the first two changes from 1-2 and 2-3, but then you use a different form of enjambment to break up the stanzas, like from 4-5, and then a different technique from 8-9. perhaps this is your intention, and of course that would be absolutely fine, but i think your piece would work a little better written as follows: You hum to yourself in the mornings as you make a trip to the kitchen dragging me along. You run your fingers over my body, Wrapped in white sheets- Make the most of our moment, savour every drag you take - Each inhalation of my skin Every craving you satisfy. I used to give you a head rush- somewhat of a luxury, something enjoyable and you were compelled to increase your intake, to strike that match more often. Each time you drained me, crushed my passion leaving me crumbled and used Each time you came back, gave me another excuse to be, one more reason for an ECG until your taste buds lose all feeling and your body craves only the rush. No withdrawal symptoms are present, Your hands no longer tremble it’s just consumption of something that was once special, but you got used to it and made it your habit. My scent fills the rooms and stains the walls. You choke but refuse to open the window You’ve abused me and you cant breathe. Give it up It’s for all the wrong reasons.' and that is all i have to say, take care on1eday.co.uk | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ] | Damn it, now I feel all guilty for smoking! lol I know, it's a disgusting, smelly and dirty habit, but you captured it amazingly well here. Really, really well. I need to quit, I know! This is a definite fave, I love the decriptiveness (is that a word?) The little tiniest thing I would say to change is maybe just a slight nod to how horribly difficult it is to quit. I know, strong character and blah blah blah, but dammit, it's flippin' hard! lol | Traci :) | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ] | |
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