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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Like Gossamer Sheetsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Magnolia
    ASL Info:    31/ F
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 402/377/27
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1605
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1252



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLike Gossamer Sheetsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sending her essence
    down Underwood Avenue
    she stays
    under sheltering Catalpa--


    she waits..


    She's sent for him
    this way
    so many times before--
    she slips down
    sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion.


    The mothers pushing
    babies in buggies
    don't see her--
    blowing in through
    the screen door,
    she whispers into
    dark curls
    and flows over him
    like gossamer sheets.


    He wakes...

    Later he will tell her
    he dreamed
    of her
    (which is strange as he
    never remembers his dreams).

    Slipping on worn shoes
    and yesterday's
    grass stained t-shirt,
    he ventures out
    not knowing quite why.

    His lanky silhouette
    creeps into her line of vision
    just as she knew it would.
    Hair askew and crooked smile,
    he makes his way
    into the garden.

    Blossoming into familiar skin
    once again,
    and blinking dazed eyes--
    she smiles to herself
    and feigns surprise
    to see him.




    Submitted on 2005-05-24 09:18:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is very clear and concise, I'm not sure what has and what hasn't been said. Which really doesn't matter.

    she slips down
    sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion.

    beautiful use of imagery and simile here.

    she waits...
    he wakes...
    great ways to break the stanza and give the body great appearence plus a certain amount of mystery as if you take just these two lines since they stand out it obviously saying I'm waiting for him to wake up. Bravo on that.


    Blossoming into familiar skin
    once again,
    and blinking dazed eyes-
    she smiles to herself
    and feigns surprise
    to see him.

    last line raps it up neatly, clear and once again concise imagery, 3rd to last line...simple self satisfaction put in a proper place...<applaudes>

    Ryan B. Wilbur
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
      she slips down
    sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion

    I love this phrase. Because of this phrase I am going to be thinking about dandelions, spores, people bursting into a spray of dandelion spores, hairs wisking on your character's shoulders like dandelion spores...the images go on and on. (on the side I might be wrong but don't mushrooms have spoores and dalions seeds or pollen? Doesn't matter change a couple words and your set) This poem captures the tranquility of a summer evening that masks the the underlying passion.
    ~VanillaLeaves
    | Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by VanillaLeaves | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sensual. It's so full of vivid images. I absolutely love:

    she slips down
    sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion

    and

    blowing in through
    the screen door,
    she whispers into
    dark curls
    and flows over him
    like gossamer sheets.

    This reminds me of something you might read in a magical realist text (Laura Esquivel perhaps). I like how she feigns surprise too. Isn't that just like a woman?
    | Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Rene' You have a magical way of expressing the powers of seduction, both parties here don't seem to quite understand their actions. As she feathers out over the lawn like dandelion
    spores, the image is wonderful. He doesn't know what hit him,
    a subtle seance of souls searing in secret? Your writes always hit me right in the center of my heart, so fine! Thanks for sharing,
    much love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      well...this is quite nice...very romantic and sensual. You seem to be right on with every line break as well as with your line lengths.

    I believe in stuff like this...we do feel the presense of others, especially those we long for.

    It is cute, too, especially the way she waits all innocent-looking (and yet almost smug) while her spell brings him to her.

    very pretty...very sweet

    downright charming really, and did I say romantic?
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm impressed; at first, with a title with the word "gossamer" in it (such an overused word in poetry, lol) I was expecting something 'not so subtle.'

    The imagery in this is amazing and the tension that drives the mood underlies your words at every angle. I'm quite entranced with it actually- the unbalanced rhythm gives it a certain character.
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by EmeraldJealousy | [ Reply to This ]
      "His lanky silhouette
    creeps into her line of vision
    just as she knew it would."

    "Blossoming into familiar skin
    once again,
    and blinking dazed eyes--
    she smiles to herself
    and feigns surprise
    to see him."

    These two parts were just incredible, in my opinion...it captures the essense of a woman perfecty...the feigned surprise, the hidden smile, the unstated but obvious love and desire...just dreamy and wonderful...

    "she slips down
    sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion."

    This was an incredible image, full of lightness and motion and delicacy...

    Its a sun-filled, vivid, colourful poem, René - feels like we're watching all those beautiful images through a slight haze...as though the sun is too bright, so we have to shade our eyes and peek through our fingers...

    I think this is exquisite, I really do - thank you so much for letting me have a moment of such sunshine

    Much love,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      she whispers into
    dark curls
    and flows over him
    like gossamer sheets...

    how very romantic and sensual.. it's like her essence wakes him from dreamland, calling his name.. he goes in search, not knowing exactly why or what for..
    this is delightful Rene'. it's a bit whimsical and very sweet. i enjoyed it immensely! thank you for sharing.
    !Cat
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      This reads like a symphony looks.

    My experience of this poem is that of looking at a Monet or Renoir painting...if those paintings were animated, and your eyes had to wiggle to track their movements.

    In my humble opinion, changing a single word, line break, or punctuation on this poem couldn't possibly make it any better. In that respect it is a very well written poem. After that its just a matter of flavor, i guess..just a matter of how well it suits a reader's tastes.

    For me the poem was dilectable. Here's why:

    -the reader floats through it as if in some dream of self-hypnosis

    -there is an actual plot..the path the poem wanders on toward resolution..is the same path that brings him to you..(with the reader tagging along like a servant)

    -finally..you have painted a 'word-portrait' of a man in the most feminine of sentiments..without somehow (miraculously) effeminizing the poor fellow-this is new and original and quite remarkable (i think)

    -most of all you speak powerfully and vibrantly in this poem..and yet somehow leave us feeling that there is sooooo..much more that you haven't said-as if appetite increases with every bite

    This is the poem i wish i had written for 'her'.
    kc
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Also interesting that its not 'i' sent 'my' essence down the avenue. 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i' 'i'

    i'll have to try it sometime

    very much a 'nature' poem in a way

    outside ego..beyond 'self'
    kc
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha ha, this was such a wonderful poem!
    A fresh, romantic, and slightly humourous piece, without becoming sappy. ;)

    I love how you turn this little moment between two lovers into a swirling landscape of essences, and gossamer, and dreams and love,
    such wonderful use of imagery...

    I especially like,
    'sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion.'
    'she whispers into
    dark curls
    and flows over him'
    'His lanky silhouette
    creeps into her line of vision
    just as she knew it would.'
    so beautiful, aurally as well!

    It's so delightful how you paint love here, it's very cute, and has an air of innocence.

    'hair askew and crooked smile'
    haha! that's so cute..
    hmmm...it reminds me of someone...perhaps I shall call him.. *looks at phone*

    thanks for the read,
    this has to go on my page, so I may reread it as many times as I like.

    peacenlove
    alexis
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      Immediate reaction – what an incredible vivid, sensual and sweet poem this is!

    The opening stanza sets place in clear precise language with effective use of assonance and the sibilance creates a lovely, softness that you maintain throughout. The ‘she waits’ separated makes the pause very explicit. Now you really begin to lay on that sibilance. One can almost hear the silence as:



    she slips down

    sun sprinkled lawns

    like the spores of a dandelion.



    This sexual imagery followed by the mothers with babies is clever – alliteration on ‘babies’ ‘buggies’ and ‘blooming’ works well.



    Mmmmmmmmmmm I love the sensual imagery in



    She whispers into

    dark curls

    and flows over him

    like gossamer sheets.



    Wow! How sensual is that – lovely. Another deliberate pause – great structure throughout. While:



    later he will tell her

    he dreamed

    of her

    (which is strange as he

    never remembers his dreams)



    is one of my favourite stanzas – but – I would change ‘dreamed’ to ‘dreamt’. I know it may sound grammatically old fashioned and possibly overly poetic but it works well because of the alliteration on ‘later’ ‘tell’ and ‘dreamt.’ I think it produces a much softer sound in keeping with your poem.
    I like the grass stained T-shirt nice touch. Its all very secretive, silent almost fleeting like ghosts making love - she slept while he 'creeps.'
    Lastly I love the way you describe how she knew his 'lanky silhoutte would creep into her line of vision' but she pretends to be surprised.
    I've read this a number of times now and I could read it several times more. Great!
    | Posted on 2005-06-17 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      she slips down
    sun sprinkled lawns
    like the spores of a dandelion

    Wow. Yeah, wow to that image. It jettisons the mind into a higher awareness and crystalizes into one stark image . . . beautiful and bright . . . set to motion, yet gentle, graceful, even. Yes. That's it. Graceful. With a rare clarity . . . just wonderful.

    And the method you've adopted here, keeping us grounded in a very earthy male figure who is visited by this ethereal female . . . earth and air in metaphoric sychronicity . . .

    This is . . . magic.
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]


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    60195

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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