This piece is very clear and concise, I'm not sure what has and what hasn't been said. Which really doesn't matter.
she slips down sun sprinkled lawns like the spores of a dandelion.
beautiful use of imagery and simile here.
she waits... he wakes... great ways to break the stanza and give the body great appearence plus a certain amount of mystery as if you take just these two lines since they stand out it obviously saying I'm waiting for him to wake up. Bravo on that.
Blossoming into familiar skin once again, and blinking dazed eyes- she smiles to herself and feigns surprise to see him.
last line raps it up neatly, clear and once again concise imagery, 3rd to last line...simple self satisfaction put in a proper place...<applaudes>
she slips down sun sprinkled lawns like the spores of a dandelion
I love this phrase. Because of this phrase I am going to be thinking about dandelions, spores, people bursting into a spray of dandelion spores, hairs wisking on your character's shoulders like dandelion spores...the images go on and on. (on the side I might be wrong but don't mushrooms have spoores and dalions seeds or pollen? Doesn't matter change a couple words and your set) This poem captures the tranquility of a summer evening that masks the the underlying passion. ~VanillaLeaves
Hi Rene' You have a magical way of expressing the powers of seduction, both parties here don't seem to quite understand their actions. As she feathers out over the lawn like dandelion spores, the image is wonderful. He doesn't know what hit him, a subtle seance of souls searing in secret? Your writes always hit me right in the center of my heart, so fine! Thanks for sharing, much love, Nan
"His lanky silhouette creeps into her line of vision just as she knew it would."
"Blossoming into familiar skin once again, and blinking dazed eyes-- she smiles to herself and feigns surprise to see him."
These two parts were just incredible, in my opinion...it captures the essense of a woman perfecty...the feigned surprise, the hidden smile, the unstated but obvious love and desire...just dreamy and wonderful...
"she slips down sun sprinkled lawns like the spores of a dandelion."
This was an incredible image, full of lightness and motion and delicacy...
Its a sun-filled, vivid, colourful poem, René - feels like we're watching all those beautiful images through a slight haze...as though the sun is too bright, so we have to shade our eyes and peek through our fingers...
I think this is exquisite, I really do - thank you so much for letting me have a moment of such sunshine
she whispers into dark curls and flows over him like gossamer sheets...
how very romantic and sensual.. it's like her essence wakes him from dreamland, calling his name.. he goes in search, not knowing exactly why or what for.. this is delightful Rene'. it's a bit whimsical and very sweet. i enjoyed it immensely! thank you for sharing. !Cat
My experience of this poem is that of looking at a Monet or Renoir painting...if those paintings were animated, and your eyes had to wiggle to track their movements.
In my humble opinion, changing a single word, line break, or punctuation on this poem couldn't possibly make it any better. In that respect it is a very well written poem. After that its just a matter of flavor, i guess..just a matter of how well it suits a reader's tastes.
For me the poem was dilectable. Here's why:
-the reader floats through it as if in some dream of self-hypnosis
-there is an actual plot..the path the poem wanders on toward resolution..is the same path that brings him to you..(with the reader tagging along like a servant)
-finally..you have painted a 'word-portrait' of a man in the most feminine of sentiments..without somehow (miraculously) effeminizing the poor fellow-this is new and original and quite remarkable (i think)
-most of all you speak powerfully and vibrantly in this poem..and yet somehow leave us feeling that there is sooooo..much more that you haven't said-as if appetite increases with every bite
This is the poem i wish i had written for 'her'. kc
Ha ha, this was such a wonderful poem! A fresh, romantic, and slightly humourous piece, without becoming sappy. ;)
I love how you turn this little moment between two lovers into a swirling landscape of essences, and gossamer, and dreams and love, such wonderful use of imagery...
I especially like, 'sun sprinkled lawns like the spores of a dandelion.' 'she whispers into dark curls and flows over him' 'His lanky silhouette creeps into her line of vision just as she knew it would.' so beautiful, aurally as well!
It's so delightful how you paint love here, it's very cute, and has an air of innocence.
'hair askew and crooked smile' haha! that's so cute.. hmmm...it reminds me of someone...perhaps I shall call him.. *looks at phone*
thanks for the read, this has to go on my page, so I may reread it as many times as I like.
Immediate reaction – what an incredible vivid, sensual and sweet poem this is!
The opening stanza sets place in clear precise language with effective use of assonance and the sibilance creates a lovely, softness that you maintain throughout. The ‘she waits’ separated makes the pause very explicit. Now you really begin to lay on that sibilance. One can almost hear the silence as:
she slips down
sun sprinkled lawns
like the spores of a dandelion.
This sexual imagery followed by the mothers with babies is clever – alliteration on ‘babies’ ‘buggies’ and ‘blooming’ works well.
Mmmmmmmmmmm I love the sensual imagery in
She whispers into
and flows over him
like gossamer sheets.
Wow! How sensual is that – lovely. Another deliberate pause – great structure throughout. While:
later he will tell her
(which is strange as he
never remembers his dreams)
is one of my favourite stanzas – but – I would change ‘dreamed’ to ‘dreamt’. I know it may sound grammatically old fashioned and possibly overly poetic but it works well because of the alliteration on ‘later’ ‘tell’ and ‘dreamt.’ I think it produces a much softer sound in keeping with your poem. I like the grass stained T-shirt nice touch. Its all very secretive, silent almost fleeting like ghosts making love - she slept while he 'creeps.' Lastly I love the way you describe how she knew his 'lanky silhoutte would creep into her line of vision' but she pretends to be surprised. I've read this a number of times now and I could read it several times more. Great!
she slips down sun sprinkled lawns like the spores of a dandelion
Wow. Yeah, wow to that image. It jettisons the mind into a higher awareness and crystalizes into one stark image . . . beautiful and bright . . . set to motion, yet gentle, graceful, even. Yes. That's it. Graceful. With a rare clarity . . . just wonderful.
And the method you've adopted here, keeping us grounded in a very earthy male figure who is visited by this ethereal female . . . earth and air in metaphoric sychronicity . . .