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    dots Submission Name: screamingdots

    Author: whyme
    ASL Info:    26/F/India
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 92/103/34
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 1311
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1058

       i pretend that i have no fear, no sorrow and must express it in private this is how i feel

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The scream echoes in the night
    And the broken moon listens.
    Her wings are tired
    From her useless flying, fleeing.
    The pain of her failure dries her eyes
    And gives strength to her voice.
    Her breath clouds around her face
    And then vanish into the frosty air.
    The ruins call her,
    They are the symbols of her life.
    For she is no phoenix
    But a simple bird
    Who seeks her refuge in desolation.
    There can not be any resurrection.
    This time is for her, for her suffering
    For the morning will come;
    And she must pretend that her wings
    Are not broken, that her soul is not touched
    To join her flock again.
    The comforting cold replaced by blistering light,
    To which she must wear her mask
    Of indifference,of non-pain.
    But each night, in the lonliness of the dark
    She will come back, to scream
    To the broken moon who is the only listener
    Of her agony and pain,
    To echo in the ruins again.

    Submitted on 2004-04-07 04:46:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is so achingly beautiful---yes it is a tad loose in construction in a place or two---but overall it captivates and i didn't think it cliché at all.(but I DO think JOHN DOE is real live cliché-- )
    (Whoever he is he hasn't posted a thing and made one assininee comment--to you--I submit my case)
    by tighten--I mean a line like "And then vanish into the frosty air."--Re -read that--and scrutinize "vanish"---you will figure it out. When someone says in their description " This is how I feel"---and expresses it thusly--- I am mystified as to how someone can be so pompous and insensitive as to make such an unhelpful ,unconstructive remark---"Don't let the turkeys get you down---you never said you were a phoenix----I think it's a good poem--that's going to get better--not because of--but in SPITE of the "John Doe"s of the world---Write On---Silver

    | Posted on 2004-04-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I dont understand why the last person was so mean. I really enjoyed and felt the poem. It moved me. I feel like that bird myself. Great job, and every poem doesnt have to be a grammatical success. Hats off to you for a job VERY WELL DONE. I will look forward to more of your work. ~Anchiale~
    | Posted on 2004-04-07 00:00:00 | by Anchiale | [ Reply to This ]
      Why so depressed? Use more poetic devices like meter, stanzas, rhyme, word music (alliteration, etc.).
    | Posted on 2004-04-07 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it very much. you don't need a rhyme, mostly rhyme doesn't work for such serious topics, it just makes it seem funny. rhyme works well for love and happy poetry but not for serious in my opinion. I like the lines
    "For she is no phoenix
    But a simple bird".
    very well written.
    | Posted on 2004-04-07 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]

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