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Dear Jane, Dear Diary, So you say this time James and I had a fight. it’s really the end Not the typical one last midnight walk That ends with our tears under our balanced moon Melding together, tripping on time's hands Forming a bond slipping to sunup too soon That binds our souls; last giggle at my An inseparable fusion weak-ass gags Serving to mend and hide gagging on my jokes All at the same time, me choking on lies you spoke Bringing us together Last endless wordless In a flurry of fury eye-to-eye conversation That ends with Last inside-out Such grace. full body connection Oh, that look on his face Perfection in a moment Of inclusive contentment! Pause, rewind I could stay Stop, eject In that moment Insert, play Forever, and a day, Stop, stay Disregarding I’ll watch that scene again The seeping sunlight But not today That creeps it away. Not to worry, I was, after all it’s better this way Trying to push him No more double takes Away from me, when we contrast To free him in public Of the weight Contract, expand My world Expose our secrets Attaches to his. Secrete our difference He deserves better Defer our reverence Than constant No more degrading glances Confusion, Intolerant stances This steady diet, Standing in the way Consistent infusion of propitious dances Of hate that I feed him. Suspicious leers But oh, how I need him Leary ears To know that hearing fears This hatred from your frightened family My family expresses No more “nigger this, Is meant to protect me. nigger that“, Blindly they disregard “If he hurts you His feelings. I’ll kick his For they don’t see nigger ass” The wonder he brings me, No “lower your voice, The sweet tenderness he’s in the next room” I feel in his arms. Like a sonic boom Those strong eyes An ironic broom Intertwine with mine, Sweeping our dreams Telling me stories, Under the carpet Unspoken dreams, A rug that lays lying Now quickly fading, Hiding a dying floor Or so it seems. I’m glad it’s over When his eyes close, I can’t take this no more My world sleeps. The things you said tonight So tonight I felt compelled, will burn inside me Even obligated, Like this charred skin To put an end to it. That divides and hides me A selfless execution, From you, but soon A mercy killing, It will melt away But now I fear In the flames It to be a homicide of hell, where I’ll And a suicide. Wait for you For deep inside Hate for you My will has died. So you won’t have to In the past Half of us removed Whenever I’ve said From the whole Awful things Leaves a new you He’d get so angry, Free of shame His face full of rage. Freeing you of But tonight Name-calling games When I told him That make you feel the same That I could no longer As me Be his woman, This unfeeling feeling That he wasn’t capable That left me kneeling Of filling my needs, I told you I loved you He dropped to his knees, Words left unspoken Pleaded and cried Since the broken day Then softly, he touched me They put my mother away And told me You ignored it He loved me. As if such ignorance I choked back tears Could make it unhappen And bravely ignored it. Unbe, unfasten I told the man Unlatch, detach That taught me love, O, good God Almighty That schooled me We are free On feel, so matter-of-factly At last Goodbye. I know you buy into I left him there the gansta shit they sell you Alone in a place but you should know me Where loneliness better than that Kills all nerves What did I tell you? And eats all compassion. Yeah, I got a gun Now I realize So what? who cares? That I’m not so strong. You got a teddy bear I recognize So what’s the difference? My intentions were wrong. ‘Cept yours you can cuddle For Love is a force Mine is muddled in That rules over Indifference All others, Yours is warm Of race and time Mine is cold And pain and lies Mine you pull Tears and fears Yours you hold Generations of years. Both chase away So who am I The demons that haunt us To decide Intruders that flaunt That I can control How they easily taunt us The fate of this Love? Our one shared truth I must now find a way Is that we are so different To bring together Two worlds Two worlds too distant Too in need to bridge To ever for too long Disengage. I don’t know if you really meant it this time Surely he knows I could never let go. But for me I’ve discovered by digging inside He must understand that I love him so. There ain’t no way to come back from this shit I thought I’d spare him, but he must know, It’s permanent We’re forever Forever Connected, Final Infinitely Like this bullet Merged In my head In my womb. |
I cannot even begin to explain how much I truly love this piece. I'm so wrapped up in it that I haven't been able to get my thought process back after reading it, and I don't think I can forget it. I'm not sure how to comment on it because anything I will say you have been told before, but I have to tell you how truly proud I am of you, this is amazing. tricia | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Sundance | [ Reply to This ] | i LOVE the contrast between the two extremely differing mentalities.. it's so true. I made if to the end and it was so worth it. My favorite part was when you juxtaposed the gun with the teddy bear.. brilliant. One of my favorites. keep it up! | -margui | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by margui | [ Reply to This ] | have made it half through.. and i love it.. i am adding it to my favs before i even finish it.. that has never happened to me before.. excellent i really can't wait to finish the piece.. :) sorry had to bolt suddently.. lol... but wanted to be able to find this poem again when i get back.. :) | holy.. this writing is sooo powerful.. it is amazing to me.. i read the whole thing.. then i read it again.. and the ending.. holy.. brillant.. i applaud this piece.. the love shines through.. the forbidden... taking the pain so the one you love can feel it less.. or so that's the intent.. i am glad i added it to my favs.. its so bittersweet.. sooo emotional.. again i am impressed.. | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Justmenow14 | [ Reply to This ] | This has the feel of probably the most "finished", most "professional" and most "poetic" thing I've read on here to date. I don't know if the words I've just used are the right ones, but they're close to what I think of this poem. | I've never been dragged through such a range of emotions... feeling a little bummed, then a bit angry, then back to depressed... then bewildered, hurt, confused, hopeful, excited briefly, then sad and depressed... I openly cried for a good portion of this write, and beamed happily through another good portion. Amazing... you rule dood :) | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ] | mikey likes. | it's wonderful how you've juxtapositioned two very different trains of thought side by side...and then let them collide towards the end, breaking free from each other after the damage has been done. yet the two viewpoints have so much in common as well, from the relationship they're in and her family's views. but such different conclusions, such different tones- i would have to write these completely seperately in order to maintain the tone. truely dark, i must say, and a reminder of the dark side of... well, sounds like my extended family. stupid fu.cks. anyway... | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ] | You know… when I was a kid… my friends used to call me a mulatto because my dad is white and my mom is… technically black. And, to me and the people who used that word… it was ok ‘cause the Philippines is, and has always been, considered as a melting pot. But when a relative from the states came home and I told him the story he said, “I feel bad for you.” | - This is the second poem I read that had this form. Two views colliding in one (The first one was girlinthephoto’s no airbags and seat belts… err… at least that’s what I think the title is.) Anyway… I like it. I always love being in between even though it is usually the most frustrating place to be… it gives a sense of gratification. It’s kind of amazing how you were able to make the guy’s statements more aggressive to depict how upset he is. I don’t think it’s something you can learn… the ability to remember that feeling and accurately transfer it. What else… Um… “I don’t know if you really meant it this time Surely he knows I could never let go. But for me I’ve discovered by digging inside He must understand that I love him so. There ain’t no way to come back from this [censored] I thought I’d spare him, but he must know” It reminds me of that technique they used on TV… I forget what it’s called. I think I saw it in Angels in America and umm… Finding Neverland (between Rada Mitchell and Julie Christie… I think.) Anway… I thought this was a fine gesture to give them their own solos with regards the matter as to answer the questions or support the comments the other made. It was fun to read by the way. Uh… The ending on Dear Diary was good. Heart pinching, I think, is the suitable word. That’s pretty much it. Take care. sige… sulat lang ng sulat. | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] | OK I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said. This was so fresh, insightful and interesting-and also so shocking. | Fresh because the format is so different yet so appropriate, it really conveys the different streams of consciousness of these conflicted lovers, who appear not so different after all, through the length of the columns being the same and all, insightful, because it sheds light on the inner turmoil of prejudice being so close to this couple's life, it's like something that stands between them, and the language used 'nigger this nigger that' is just perfect. Censorship has always been there to make the truth hurt less. I say make it hurt as much as you can! cause it's the truth, and people need to see it. shocking-because of the conclusion. I got the sense of anguish from both angles and knew it had to end somewhere, and the juxtapositioning of the end of one life with the beginning of another was so sad, but oh so cleverly done, I feel like kissing you. *long silence* erm ok. must go now. thanks for the read, definite fave. peace out. | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ] | Dave - O.K. so, I got this one late, and a lot has been said in the comments thus far. I'll tell you this straight up: This is a spectacular piece of work, obviously honed with all of your guts and intellect. Do not water it down! That's not to say you cannot streamline it. Pare some away, but keep the strength and power Go not be afraid of the word "nigger". If you want to show hatred on the part of her family, what would you have them say, "Oh my God, there is a black man in the livingroom!" No, show the bigotry in all of its ugliness. Be real! | What you present is a classic (thus, oft repeated) theme, Love vs. Prejudice, ala "Romeo and Juliet" to "West Side Story" and everything in-between and since. Those did not shy from strong language, don't you. Now, since this theme is so common, it needs a new face, a new style, an originality infused into it to make it something special. Your format accomplishes this. It is unique enough to carry the story to the reader in a fresh way that gets the reader involved, leaves them with options on how to read this, allowing a re-read or two to be different and more rewarding each time. Read it top to bottom, read it left to right, jump around, it's brilliant no matter. How can it be better? Shorter? Maybe, but will we miss something important? No, I think there is some fluff in here you can dump and still keep the full impact. For instance, you repeat the "N" word three times, I believe once would give it more intensity. The image is painted in the first brush-stroke. On both sides, I think you linger just a little too long on the hatred. More effective, would be a crystal clear image of it's ugly face shown through some actions. What I'm implying is to show it, not talk about it. Maybe, a confrontation with her family, in public, ending with the "N" word being screamed. Well, you know I love your stuff and this is another FAV, but I think you can actually improve this one. It reads like a play, give it some movement, make something happen. Let it end as you have with her pregnant, and him dead, that makes it pure tragedy, as it must be, but show some other form of conflict to foreshadow this end. Dave, just another great piece. A very heavy topic handled with care and uniquely presented. Loved it! Phil | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] | Dave - O.K. so, I got this one late, and a lot has been said in the comments thus far. I'll tell you this straight up: This is a spectacular piece of work, obviously honed with all of your guts and intellect. Do not water it down! That's not to say you cannot streamline it. Pare some away, but keep the strength and power Go not be afraid of the word "nigger". If you want to show hatred on the part of her family, what would you have them say, "Oh my God, there is a black man in the livingroom!" No, show the bigotry in all of its ugliness. Be real! | What you present is a classic (thus, oft repeated) theme, Love vs. Prejudice, ala "Romeo and Juliet" to "West Side Story" and everything in-between and since. Those did not shy from strong language, don't you. Now, since this theme is so common, it needs a new face, a new style, an originality infused into it to make it something special. Your format accomplishes this. It is unique enough to carry the story to the reader in a fresh way that gets the reader involved, leaves them with options on how to read this, allowing a re-read or two to be different and more rewarding each time. Read it top to bottom, read it left to right, jump around, it's brilliant no matter. How can it be better? Shorter? Maybe, but will we miss something important? No, I think there is some fluff in here you can dump and still keep the full impact. For instance, you repeat the "N" word three times, I believe once would give it more intensity. The image is painted in the first brush-stroke. On both sides, I think you linger just a little too long on the hatred. More effective, would be a crystal clear image of it's ugly face shown through some actions. What I'm implying is to show it, not talk about it. Maybe, a confrontation with her family, in public, ending with the "N" word being screamed. Well, you know I love your stuff and this is another FAV, but I think you can actually improve this one. It reads like a play, give it some movement, make something happen. Let it end as you have with her pregnant, and him dead, that makes it pure tragedy, as it must be, but show some other form of conflict to foreshadow this end. Dave, just another great piece. A very heavy topic handled with care and uniquely presented. Loved it! Phil | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] | ok I am going to possibly embaress myself by just telling you straight up what I think; so what I comprehended was a black man and white woman like in our generation yet still improving but giving in and losing to what society basically handed them. A bum deal-they cant win. And then on the right a woman leaves her husband a black man I dont know why I keep saying black but yeah blackwoman still finds the good in what the outcame gave to them. It was an accepted form of defeat. In a way she was not at all regretting a second but she was able to just see that there will always be this connection and that IS GOOD. Yet the other(the left) the outcome isn't because of just "things happening" it was because "nothing else could". And this outcome that the man felt was because of a past that simply couldn't change...ever. And that's just the way it is ahu-Run D M C and jam master Jay | I reall, really tried there. Yes this is wquite tough to read but that kind of made it interesting -both relationships/the same yet ending one because of a past that couldnt change and the other because the future wasn't going to change. The enevitable allways wins. So society dictates- well these are views not necesarily reflected upon LAMEMANSTERMS due to the fact -he is very confused, right now. thank you- the management (but david this could be sick-with a few less cliché's and a little better yet similar format. Leave the complicity cause that adds to the trauma felt on both sides-. | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ] | There. Better? | | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ] | Tried not to read all the other comments, so if I repeat what has been said already - well, so be it | ![]() This is such a visual piece....almost perfect for a stage or a film set. It needs to be read, to be voiced....your format compelled me to read this aloud, and then I went and got my friend to read for James whilst I read for Jane (he sends his astounded compliments, by the way) It is a fantastic idea - and wonderfully executed. The mere time and effort it must have taken to perfect this piece deseves nothing but respect and admiration (are you a perfectionist, by any chance?:P) Some teeny tiny suggestions: 'James and I' instead of 'Me and James'....it would work more had you used more colloquial language in the diary part, but seeing as Jane appears a rather eloquent narrator, the 'me and James' feels out of place... "I told you I loved you He dropped to his knees, Words left unspoken Pleaded and cried Since the broken day Then softly, he touched me" Ok for some reason when I copy and paste, it comes out fine, but in the actual text, that bit is a little messy formatting wise (the 'knees' and 'me' are on the wrong side) Not really too keen on the superglue image, its just a little overused. I think thats pretty much as far as I can go in terms of suggestions, the rest will all be complimentary ![]() The rhyme is very subtle and fits the pace of the poem perfectly. You have some incredible images here...the teddy bear/gun idea was frightening and powerful; the 'insert, play/stop, stay' is great...I could copy and paste everything I found great, but that would be pretty much everything, and I dont want to re-paste your poem in my comment .. The fact that strikes me most is that you manage to combine perfectly a personal reaction and a social significance...you create two living characters, have the readers feel their fear, their desire and loss and confusion, go through the thoughts with them - all the while making us consider the social implications of the scenario. The layout really emphasises the intensity of the piece...the parallel voices emphasising the wall between the characters, the impact of their coming together....it is just stunning, it really is. Katia | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ] | The format to this is very different and refreshing. It's something I haven't seen before. It is a very well done experiment. | This piece makes me think of a forbidden love. A tragedy really. We have a black man and a white woman who come from completely different walks of life. They fall in love, but society deems that it is inappropriate. The use of words and and emotions in this makes the reader feel what the characters are feeling. The love, the hate, the despair. First we read James' thoughts and feeling. We get an indepth look at what its like for someone of his background, coming from the streets, feeling as if he needs his gun for comfort. Being in love. When you see movies about men like him, it doesn't potray them as someone with feelings, who can love unconditionally. Then you read the thoughts of Jane, a woman in love with the black man her family will never accept. She decides to make the ultimate sacrafice, and set him free. She knows they will always be looked down upon because of the color of their skins. Society will frown at them This is a story not two often heard. It makes the reader laugh, cry and in the end feel the heavy burden of sorrow felt by the two lovers. I found this piece very emotional. It was heartbreaking and sincere.It wasn't candy coated like most pieces are. It was harsh and straight to the point. The ending really wrapped it up nicely. That was the breaking point of my tears. What can I say, I'm a softy. This is something that should definately be published. It is something that should be played out on stage, felt in the souls of others. This piece touched me very deeply and I am adding it to my favorites. Thank you for blessing us with it. Crystal | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ] | Superbly written, this poem is phenominal. Easy to read and understand. It possesses great power and insight into inter-racial relationships. I've read it several times and think I'll probably read it several more times. Contrasting was perfect in every way. The rhyme scheme to me was a slight rap, but detracted in no way from the depth and seriousness of the content. Experimenting with the form, brilliant. The content of the diary, explaining everything he speaks about from her perspective allows the reader to enter her mind and understand the reasoning behind her decision. This is masterful work and indeed deserving of publication. Bravo to you, my friend. | Carol | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ] | Wow, I like the format a lot. I like the intricate plot and giving it from two perspectives. It's nice how you wrote this in diaclect on both sides. I like how he doesn't know about the preganancy (but that might not have changed his plan). The suicide and the parts about the rascism made me shiver a little. I actually know a similar tragic story to this, and I like how this could have been pulled from the news and how it addresses . | I think you could tighten this up a bit, but then again, I think they're both appropriate. They seem more like something spoken than something written, but my students used to always say "I write like I talk," and this is a young couple. However, the rhyme belies the "spoken feel." I do think some of they rhymes are painfully obvious, but that also lends versimillitude because the majority of people aren't poets, s you'd expect that. You know, this would make a cool minimalist stage play. One actor could speak a line and then the other going back and forth with a wall between them; then each could deliver their closings in full (I'm not sure I'd break them up). You always say that you admire me for saying so much with so few words, this really does a superb job of that, so don't sell yourself short. under our balanced moon tripping on times hands slipping to sunup too soon last giggle at my weak-ass gags gagging on my jokes You missed an apostrophe in time's (severe nitpicking there), but I love that image of the moon. I like your use of alliteration throughtout this piece. It's really interesting to use gag and gagging like that (That's called adnominatio or polyptoton). You used verbs well too: Pause, rewind Stop, eject Insert, play Stop, stay Since the broken day They put my mother away You ignored it As if such ignorance Could make it unhappen That really make you want to give sympathy to this character. I know you buy into the gansta [censored] they sell you but you should know me better than that What did I tell you? Yeah, I got a gun So what? who cares? You got a teddy bear So what’s the difference? ‘Cept yours you can cuddle Mine is muddled in Indifference Yours is warm Mine is cold Mine you pull Yours you hold Both chase away The demons that haunt us Inruders that flaunt How they easily taunt us Our one shared truth Is that we are so different That's just chilling. I can't imagine feeling that way, but I'm sure people do. I suppose some people do think of guns as lightly as teddy bears, but that's disturbing as hell. An inseparable superglue Forming a bond That binds our souls. I have to admit I'm not keen on the super glue image. Sorry, it just verges on a cliché. Trying to push him Away from me, To free him Of the weight My world Attaches to his That's a really beautiful way to state that. No one has ever put it than two celestial bodies that want to sever the ties that keep them in orbit together. So tonight I felt compelled, Even obligated, To put an end to it. A selfless execution, A mercy killing, But now I fear It to be a homicide And a suicide For deep inside My will has died Inside/ suicide is my least favorite rhyme in the English language (I make fun of rhymed suicide poems, but I found one I like), but these people aren't poets. That I could no longer Be his “[censored]”, That he wasn’t capable Of filling my needs, He dropped to his knees, Pleaded and cried Then softly, he touched me And told me He loved me. It's really so sad that she buys into these stereotypes, but a lot of people do. I like the irony that he doesn't seem to treat her like a [censored] at all. Her family thinks he's a thug, but they call him names. Really, this wowed me. Bravo, my friend. | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ] | Oh my, Wow, dang. Really. Excellent. Speechless. Hang on, I need to re-evaluate what I've just read. | I love the format. Yes, it's a little choppy and there are a few thingies still in there but it's so great anyway. When I first read your description about it I was a little intimidated I will admit. Once I started reading, or rather figured out how to read it, it flowed so naturally that it was like watching the scene play out in my head. Loving the "Dear Jane" "Dear Diary" concept. The first column was only the beginning in which we learn that the town writers were a couple. Not until the second column did I realize that this was a black man with a white woman. You did a very good job of not making it to graphic but still showing the real aspect of someone in that situation. The short stanzas and short quick rhymes really brought this to life. The back and forth two sides to this love story is great. I would love to see it actually read aloud with a "Jane" and a "James". I can see it now, the light fading from the first reader to the next. Ahh, sry off track there! LOL The idea of him trying to persuade her somehow that a teddy bear and a gun are alike is great. Especially because his points are so valid. Then when the ending comes it's pure heartbreak. Pure heartbreak for the life inside Jane. Pure heartbreak for James never could understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It makes me want to smile, cry, and laugh at the same time. It's just a wonderful piece. The concept, format, and style was right on. Excellent. I'm so honored to have read such a brilliant piece. -blt | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ] | Wow... All I have to say is... Wow. | There is so much intensity in this piece, so much pain and it's amazing to see both sides of this huge thing: the male and the female, the despair and the hope, and black and white. I think the very strongest asset of this piece is the balance. The PERFECT bablance between these conflicting enitities is just mindblowing. The style in itself is brilliant and more than unique. The fact that you read it it as a diary type of thing is incredibly personal, I mean I FELT like I was the guy about to give up and kill himself, I FELT like I was the girl trying to hold on to the relationship. And the fact is...It's just so honest. Honest and breaking down the walls between blacks and whites, men and women, rich and poor. This is a true treasure. The tragedy of the collision of two completely different worlds is just so phenomenal, it's just charged with all these emotions: hurts and joys and feelings and actions and words... It's frank and real and direct. Not romanticized or tainted with nonsense verse. (the rhyme scheme, by the way, is also good) I'm defintely adding this as a favorite and I'm going to try to nominate this for a site award if I can. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ] | Wow! | I do not need or would not attempt to add to the comments already made. This is one of the engaging pieces I've read in a very long time. I read the columns and then read them across and down. It works both ways giving the feeling of thoughts as the jab into and out of the mind. Very sophisticated, extraordinary. I think you will be proud of this one for a very long time. I can see this in some poetry text book somewhere in the future. Awesome job. Thanks for being willing to take this on. | Posted on 2005-05-31 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ] | Oh my holy, wow, oh my goddess above, you are a genius. There is absolutely, positively NOTHING wrong with this. This made me cry. Dear, holy, goddess. My hands shake as I write thses words on such beautiful poetry that should be put in books, and published for the world to share the marvelous wonders you can bring. I absolutely love this. Wow, you are a genius, and I bow to you. I do. This is really amazing wow. | Peace and Love, -Aya | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ] | YE GODS! | dude... wow! the concept is brilliantly well done... the parallelism and yet the total separteness of the two diarylike entries is really amazing and then how they merge into one (verse and meaning) and yet keep their own voices... this musta taken you forever! i love the voice of the boy most of all... the way you have played with words and sounds right throughout his 'dear jane' entry... the honesty of his voice and the reality of his world that comes through... wow. She pisses me off but just because she represents to me a really girlee girl who makes a decision such as she did but pretty much as soon as shes made it shes wanting to unmake it... my hang up... ignore me... the end is breath taking... i found myself reading faster and faster and faster trying to catch the end before the inevitable so that i could beat some sense into one or the other of them... somethings are unbeatable though... seriously if this hasnt already it should be put up for that feather award thingee... ive never read anything like this on this site or anywhere else... seriously wow! | Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] | There isn't a single thing that I can say regarding this piece of work that hasn't already been said in here, so I just wanted to say that I loved this beyond any possible explination. I bow to your genius. Be well | ![]() ~Rachel~ | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ] | |