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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dear Jane/Dear Diarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.74 - 1359/1263/81
    Words: 877
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1867
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 20673



    Description:
       PLEASE READ THIS FIRST:

    I suggest reading this one column at a time, first the left and then the right down to the wide stanza and from then on left to right all the way across.

    Sorry it's so sloppy but I've already spent about 1 1/2 hours re-formatting and I'm tired. Will keep chipping away...

    Each column should stand on its own and also contribute to the whole. I'd love to hear what you think from that prespective and also about the concept. I realize there are probably better ways to utilize this but I consider it to be somewhat of an experiment. Any feedback at all will be greatly appreciated. Total honesty is strongly encouraged. Thanks so much for those of you that make it through to the end.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDear Jane/Dear Diarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dear Jane,                                    Dear Diary,

    So you say this time                  James and I had a fight.
    it’s really the end                       Not the typical one
    last midnight walk                      That ends with our tears
    under our balanced moon          Melding together,
    tripping on time's hands             Forming a bond
    slipping to sunup too soon         That binds our souls;
    last giggle at my                         An inseparable fusion
    weak-ass gags                           Serving to mend and hide
    gagging on my jokes                  All at the same time,
    me choking on lies you spoke     Bringing us together
    Last endless wordless                In a flurry of fury
    eye-to-eye conversation            That ends with
    Last inside-out                            Such grace.
    full body connection                   Oh, that look on his face
    Perfection in a moment              Of inclusive contentment!
    Pause, rewind                            I could stay
    Stop, eject                                 In that moment
    Insert, play                                Forever, and a day,
    Stop, stay                                  Disregarding
    I’ll watch that scene again         The seeping sunlight
    But not today                            That creeps it away.

    Not to worry,                            I was, after all
    it’s better this way                    Trying to push him
    No more double takes               Away from me,
    when we contrast                     To free him
    in public                                     Of the weight
    Contract, expand                     My world
    Expose our secrets                   Attaches to his.
    Secrete our difference              He deserves better
    Defer our reverence                 Than constant
    No more degrading glances       Confusion,
    Intolerant stances                     This steady diet,
    Standing in the way                   Consistent infusion
    of propitious dances                  Of hate that I feed him.
    Suspicious leers                         But oh, how I need him
    Leary ears                                 To know that
    hearing fears                             This hatred
    from your frightened family       My family expresses
    No more “nigger this,                 Is meant to protect me.
    nigger that“,                              Blindly they disregard
    “If he hurts you                         His feelings.
    I’ll kick his                                   For they don’t see
    nigger ass”                                The wonder he brings me,
    No “lower your voice,                The sweet tenderness
    he’s in the next room”               I feel in his arms.
    Like a sonic boom                      Those strong eyes
    An ironic broom                         Intertwine with mine,
    Sweeping our dreams               Telling me stories,
    Under the carpet                       Unspoken dreams,
    A rug that lays lying                  Now quickly fading,
    Hiding a dying floor                    Or so it seems.

    I’m glad it’s over                        When his eyes close,
    I can’t take this no more             My world sleeps.

    The things you said tonight       So tonight I felt compelled,
    will burn inside me                      Even obligated,
    Like this charred skin                 To put an end to it.
    That divides and hides me         A selfless execution,
    From you, but soon                   A mercy killing,
    It will melt away                         But now I fear
    In the flames                              It to be a homicide
    of hell, where I’ll                        And a suicide.
    Wait for you                               For deep inside
    Hate for you                               My will has died.
    So you won’t have to                 In the past
    Half of us removed                    Whenever I’ve said
    From the whole                          Awful things
    Leaves a new you                      He’d get so angry,
    Free of shame                            His face full of rage.
    Freeing you of                            But tonight
    Name-calling games                    When I told him
    That make you feel the same     That I could no longer
    As me                                          Be his woman,
    This unfeeling feeling                 That he wasn’t capable
    That left me kneeling                  Of filling my needs,
    I told you I loved you                 He dropped to his knees,
    Words left unspoken                   Pleaded and cried
    Since the broken day                  Then softly, he touched me
    They put my mother away          And told me
    You ignored it                              He loved me.
    As if such ignorance                    I choked back tears
    Could make it unhappen              And bravely ignored it.
    Unbe, unfasten                           I told the man
    Unlatch, detach                          That taught me love,
    O, good God Almighty                That schooled me
    We are free                                On feel, so matter-of-factly
    At last                                         Goodbye.

    I know you buy into                    I left him there
    the gansta shit they sell you      Alone in a place
    but you should know me             Where loneliness
    better than that                          Kills all nerves
    What did I tell you?                     And eats all compassion.
    Yeah, I got a gun                        Now I realize
    So what? who cares?                  That I’m not so strong.
    You got a teddy bear                  I recognize
    So what’s the difference?           My intentions were wrong.
    ‘Cept yours you can cuddle         For Love is a force
    Mine is muddled in                       That rules over
    Indifference                                All others,
    Yours is warm                              Of race and time
    Mine is cold                                  And pain and lies
    Mine you pull                               Tears and fears
    Yours you hold                            Generations of years.
    Both chase away                        So who am I
    The demons that haunt us         To decide
    Intruders that flaunt                  That I can control
    How they easily taunt us            The fate of this Love?
    Our one shared truth                  I must now find a way
    Is that we are so different         To bring together

    Two worlds                                  Two worlds
    too distant                                   Too in need
    to bridge                                      To ever
    for too long                                  Disengage.



    I don’t know if you really meant it this time
                                Surely he knows I could never let go.
    But for me I’ve discovered by digging inside
                                He must understand that I love him so.
    There ain’t no way to come back from this shit
                                I thought I’d spare him, but he must know,

    It’s permanent                We’re forever
    Forever                           Connected,
    Final                                Infinitely
    Like this bullet                 Merged
    In my head                     In my womb.




    Submitted on 2005-05-24 23:37:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I cannot even begin to explain how much I truly love this piece. I'm so wrapped up in it that I haven't been able to get my thought process back after reading it, and I don't think I can forget it. I'm not sure how to comment on it because anything I will say you have been told before, but I have to tell you how truly proud I am of you, this is amazing.
    tricia
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Sundance | [ Reply to This ]
      i LOVE the contrast between the two extremely differing mentalities.. it's so true. I made if to the end and it was so worth it. My favorite part was when you juxtaposed the gun with the teddy bear.. brilliant. One of my favorites. keep it up!
    -margui
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by margui | [ Reply to This ]
      have made it half through.. and i love it.. i am adding it to my favs before i even finish it.. that has never happened to me before.. excellent i really can't wait to finish the piece.. :) sorry had to bolt suddently.. lol... but wanted to be able to find this poem again when i get back.. :)

    holy.. this writing is sooo powerful.. it is amazing to me.. i read the whole thing.. then i read it again.. and the ending.. holy.. brillant.. i applaud this piece.. the love shines through.. the forbidden... taking the pain so the one you love can feel it less.. or so that's the intent.. i am glad i added it to my favs.. its so bittersweet.. sooo emotional.. again i am impressed..
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Justmenow14 | [ Reply to This ]
      This has the feel of probably the most "finished", most "professional" and most "poetic" thing I've read on here to date. I don't know if the words I've just used are the right ones, but they're close to what I think of this poem.

    I've never been dragged through such a range of emotions... feeling a little bummed, then a bit angry, then back to depressed... then bewildered, hurt, confused, hopeful, excited briefly, then sad and depressed... I openly cried for a good portion of this write, and beamed happily through another good portion.

    Amazing... you rule dood :)
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
      mikey likes.
    it's wonderful how you've juxtapositioned two very different trains of thought side by side...and then let them collide towards the end, breaking free from each other after the damage has been done. yet the two viewpoints have so much in common as well, from the relationship they're in and her family's views. but such different conclusions, such different tones- i would have to write these completely seperately in order to maintain the tone. truely dark, i must say, and a reminder of the dark side of... well, sounds like my extended family. stupid fu.cks. anyway...
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      You know… when I was a kid… my friends used to call me a mulatto because my dad is white and my mom is… technically black. And, to me and the people who used that word… it was ok ‘cause the Philippines is, and has always been, considered as a melting pot. But when a relative from the states came home and I told him the story he said, “I feel bad for you.”
    -
    This is the second poem I read that had this form. Two views colliding in one (The first one was girlinthephoto’s no airbags and seat belts… err… at least that’s what I think the title is.) Anyway… I like it. I always love being in between even though it is usually the most frustrating place to be… it gives a sense of gratification.

    It’s kind of amazing how you were able to make the guy’s statements more aggressive to depict how upset he is. I don’t think it’s something you can learn… the ability to remember that feeling and accurately transfer it.

    What else…

    Um…

    “I don’t know if you really meant it this time
    Surely he knows I could never let go.
    But for me I’ve discovered by digging inside
    He must understand that I love him so.
    There ain’t no way to come back from this [censored]
    I thought I’d spare him, but he must know”

    It reminds me of that technique they used on TV… I forget what it’s called. I think I saw it in Angels in America and umm… Finding Neverland (between Rada Mitchell and Julie Christie… I think.) Anway… I thought this was a fine gesture to give them their own solos with regards the matter as to answer the questions or support the comments the other made.

    It was fun to read by the way.

    Uh…

    The ending on Dear Diary was good. Heart pinching, I think, is the suitable word.

    That’s pretty much it.

    Take care.
    sige… sulat lang ng sulat.
    | Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      OK I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said. This was so fresh, insightful and interesting-and also so shocking.
    Fresh because the format is so different yet so appropriate, it really conveys the different streams of consciousness of these conflicted lovers, who appear not so different after all, through the length of the columns being the same and all,

    insightful, because it sheds light on the inner turmoil of prejudice being so close to this couple's life, it's like something that stands between them, and the language used 'nigger this nigger that' is just perfect. Censorship has always been there to make the truth hurt less. I say make it hurt as much as you can! cause it's the truth, and people need to see it.

    shocking-because of the conclusion.
    I got the sense of anguish from both angles and knew it had to end somewhere, and the juxtapositioning of the end of one life with the beginning of another was so sad, but oh so cleverly done, I feel like kissing you.

    *long silence*

    erm ok. must go now. thanks for the read, definite fave. peace out.
    | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      Dave - O.K. so, I got this one late, and a lot has been said in the comments thus far. I'll tell you this straight up: This is a spectacular piece of work, obviously honed with all of your guts and intellect. Do not water it down! That's not to say you cannot streamline it. Pare some away, but keep the strength and power Go not be afraid of the word "nigger". If you want to show hatred on the part of her family, what would you have them say, "Oh my God, there is a black man in the livingroom!" No, show the bigotry in all of its ugliness. Be real!

    What you present is a classic (thus, oft repeated) theme, Love vs. Prejudice, ala "Romeo and Juliet" to "West Side Story" and everything in-between and since. Those did not shy from strong language, don't you.

    Now, since this theme is so common, it needs a new face, a new style, an originality infused into it to make it something special. Your format accomplishes this. It is unique enough to carry the story to the reader in a fresh way that gets the reader involved, leaves them with options on how to read this, allowing a re-read or two to be different and more rewarding each time. Read it top to bottom, read it left to right, jump around, it's brilliant no matter.

    How can it be better? Shorter? Maybe, but will we miss something important? No, I think there is some fluff in here you can dump and still keep the full impact. For instance, you repeat the "N" word three times, I believe once would give it more intensity. The image is painted in the first brush-stroke. On both sides, I think you linger just a little too long on the hatred. More effective, would be a crystal clear image of it's ugly face shown through some actions. What I'm implying is to show it, not talk about it.
    Maybe, a confrontation with her family, in public, ending with the "N" word being screamed.

    Well, you know I love your stuff and this is another FAV, but I think you can actually improve this one. It reads like a play, give it some movement, make something happen. Let it end as you have with her pregnant, and him dead, that makes it pure tragedy, as it must be, but show some other form of conflict to foreshadow this end.

    Dave, just another great piece. A very heavy topic handled with care and uniquely presented.
    Loved it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Dave - O.K. so, I got this one late, and a lot has been said in the comments thus far. I'll tell you this straight up: This is a spectacular piece of work, obviously honed with all of your guts and intellect. Do not water it down! That's not to say you cannot streamline it. Pare some away, but keep the strength and power Go not be afraid of the word "nigger". If you want to show hatred on the part of her family, what would you have them say, "Oh my God, there is a black man in the livingroom!" No, show the bigotry in all of its ugliness. Be real!

    What you present is a classic (thus, oft repeated) theme, Love vs. Prejudice, ala "Romeo and Juliet" to "West Side Story" and everything in-between and since. Those did not shy from strong language, don't you.

    Now, since this theme is so common, it needs a new face, a new style, an originality infused into it to make it something special. Your format accomplishes this. It is unique enough to carry the story to the reader in a fresh way that gets the reader involved, leaves them with options on how to read this, allowing a re-read or two to be different and more rewarding each time. Read it top to bottom, read it left to right, jump around, it's brilliant no matter.

    How can it be better? Shorter? Maybe, but will we miss something important? No, I think there is some fluff in here you can dump and still keep the full impact. For instance, you repeat the "N" word three times, I believe once would give it more intensity. The image is painted in the first brush-stroke. On both sides, I think you linger just a little too long on the hatred. More effective, would be a crystal clear image of it's ugly face shown through some actions. What I'm implying is to show it, not talk about it.
    Maybe, a confrontation with her family, in public, ending with the "N" word being screamed.

    Well, you know I love your stuff and this is another FAV, but I think you can actually improve this one. It reads like a play, give it some movement, make something happen. Let it end as you have with her pregnant, and him dead, that makes it pure tragedy, as it must be, but show some other form of conflict to foreshadow this end.

    Dave, just another great piece. A very heavy topic handled with care and uniquely presented.
    Loved it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      ok I am going to possibly embaress myself by just telling you straight up what I think; so what I comprehended was a black man and white woman like in our generation yet still improving but giving in and losing to what society basically handed them. A bum deal-they cant win. And then on the right a woman leaves her husband a black man I dont know why I keep saying black but yeah blackwoman still finds the good in what the outcame gave to them. It was an accepted form of defeat. In a way she was not at all regretting a second but she was able to just see that there will always be this connection and that IS GOOD. Yet the other(the left) the outcome isn't because of just "things happening" it was because "nothing else could". And this outcome that the man felt was because of a past that simply couldn't change...ever. And that's just the way it is ahu-Run D M C and jam master Jay
    I reall, really tried there. Yes this is wquite tough to read but that kind of made it interesting -both relationships/the same yet ending one because of a past that couldnt change and the other because the future wasn't going to change. The enevitable allways wins. So society dictates- well these are views not necesarily reflected upon LAMEMANSTERMS due to the fact -he is very confused, right now. thank you-
    the
    management (but david this could be sick-with a few less cliché's and a little better yet similar format. Leave the complicity cause that adds to the trauma felt on both sides-.
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      There. Better?
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Tried not to read all the other comments, so if I repeat what has been said already - well, so be it

    This is such a visual piece....almost perfect for a stage or a film set. It needs to be read, to be voiced....your format compelled me to read this aloud, and then I went and got my friend to read for James whilst I read for Jane (he sends his astounded compliments, by the way)

    It is a fantastic idea - and wonderfully executed. The mere time and effort it must have taken to perfect this piece deseves nothing but respect and admiration (are you a perfectionist, by any chance?:P)

    Some teeny tiny suggestions: 'James and I' instead of 'Me and James'....it would work more had you used more colloquial language in the diary part, but seeing as Jane appears a rather eloquent narrator, the 'me and James' feels out of place...

    "I told you I loved you He dropped to his knees,
    Words left unspoken Pleaded and cried
    Since the broken day Then softly, he touched me"

    Ok for some reason when I copy and paste, it comes out fine, but in the actual text, that bit is a little messy formatting wise (the 'knees' and 'me' are on the wrong side)

    Not really too keen on the superglue image, its just a little overused.

    I think thats pretty much as far as I can go in terms of suggestions, the rest will all be complimentary

    The rhyme is very subtle and fits the pace of the poem perfectly. You have some incredible images here...the teddy bear/gun idea was frightening and powerful; the 'insert, play/stop, stay' is great...I could copy and paste everything I found great, but that would be pretty much everything, and I dont want to re-paste your poem in my comment ..

    The fact that strikes me most is that you manage to combine perfectly a personal reaction and a social significance...you create two living characters, have the readers feel their fear, their desire and loss and confusion, go through the thoughts with them - all the while making us consider the social implications of the scenario. The layout really emphasises the intensity of the piece...the parallel voices emphasising the wall between the characters, the impact of their coming together....it is just stunning, it really is.

    Katia

    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      The format to this is very different and refreshing. It's something I haven't seen before. It is a very well done experiment.

    This piece makes me think of a forbidden love. A tragedy really. We have a black man and a white woman who come from completely different walks of life. They fall in love, but society deems that it is inappropriate.

    The use of words and and emotions in this makes the reader feel what the characters are feeling. The love, the hate, the despair.

    First we read James' thoughts and feeling. We get an indepth look at what its like for someone of his background, coming from the streets, feeling as if he needs his gun for comfort. Being in love. When you see movies about men like him, it doesn't potray them as someone with feelings, who can love unconditionally.

    Then you read the thoughts of Jane, a woman in love with the black man her family will never accept.
    She decides to make the ultimate sacrafice, and set him free. She knows they will always be looked down upon because of the color of their skins. Society will frown at them

    This is a story not two often heard. It makes the reader laugh, cry and in the end feel the heavy burden of sorrow felt by the two lovers. I found this piece very emotional. It was heartbreaking and sincere.It wasn't candy coated like most pieces are. It was harsh and straight to the point. The ending really wrapped it up nicely. That was the breaking point of my tears. What can I say, I'm a softy.

    This is something that should definately be published. It is something that should be played out on stage, felt in the souls of others. This piece touched me very deeply and I am adding it to my favorites. Thank you for blessing us with it.
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      Superbly written, this poem is phenominal. Easy to read and understand. It possesses great power and insight into inter-racial relationships. I've read it several times and think I'll probably read it several more times. Contrasting was perfect in every way. The rhyme scheme to me was a slight rap, but detracted in no way from the depth and seriousness of the content. Experimenting with the form, brilliant. The content of the diary, explaining everything he speaks about from her perspective allows the reader to enter her mind and understand the reasoning behind her decision. This is masterful work and indeed deserving of publication. Bravo to you, my friend.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I like the format a lot. I like the intricate plot and giving it from two perspectives. It's nice how you wrote this in diaclect on both sides. I like how he doesn't know about the preganancy (but that might not have changed his plan). The suicide and the parts about the rascism made me shiver a little. I actually know a similar tragic story to this, and I like how this could have been pulled from the news and how it addresses .

    I think you could tighten this up a bit, but then again, I think they're both appropriate. They seem more like something spoken than something written, but my students used to always say "I write like I talk," and this is a young couple. However, the rhyme belies the "spoken feel." I do think some of they rhymes are painfully obvious, but that also lends versimillitude because the majority of people aren't poets, s you'd expect that.

    You know, this would make a cool minimalist stage play. One actor could speak a line and then the other going back and forth with a wall between them; then each could deliver their closings in full (I'm not sure I'd break them up). You always say that you admire me for saying so much with so few words, this really does a superb job of that, so don't sell yourself short.

    under our balanced moon
    tripping on times hands
    slipping to sunup too soon
    last giggle at my
    weak-ass gags
    gagging on my jokes

    You missed an apostrophe in time's (severe nitpicking there), but I love that image of the moon. I like your use of alliteration throughtout this piece. It's really interesting to use gag and gagging like that (That's called adnominatio or polyptoton).

    You used verbs well too:

    Pause, rewind
    Stop, eject
    Insert, play
    Stop, stay

    Since the broken day
    They put my mother away
    You ignored it
    As if such ignorance
    Could make it unhappen

    That really make you want to give sympathy to this character.

    I know you buy into
    the gansta [censored] they sell you
    but you should know me
    better than that
    What did I tell you?
    Yeah, I got a gun
    So what? who cares?
    You got a teddy bear
    So what’s the difference?
    ‘Cept yours you can cuddle
    Mine is muddled in
    Indifference
    Yours is warm
    Mine is cold
    Mine you pull
    Yours you hold
    Both chase away
    The demons that haunt us
    Inruders that flaunt
    How they easily taunt us
    Our one shared truth
    Is that we are so different

    That's just chilling. I can't imagine feeling that way, but I'm sure people do. I suppose some people do think of guns as lightly as teddy bears, but that's disturbing as hell.

    An inseparable superglue
    Forming a bond
    That binds our souls.

    I have to admit I'm not keen on the super glue image. Sorry, it just verges on a cliché.

    Trying to push him
    Away from me,
    To free him
    Of the weight
    My world
    Attaches to his

    That's a really beautiful way to state that. No one has ever put it than two celestial bodies that want to sever the ties that keep them in orbit together.
    So tonight I felt compelled,
    Even obligated,
    To put an end to it.
    A selfless execution,
    A mercy killing,
    But now I fear
    It to be a homicide
    And a suicide
    For deep inside
    My will has died

    Inside/ suicide is my least favorite rhyme in the English language (I make fun of rhymed suicide poems, but I found one I like), but these people aren't poets.

    That I could no longer
    Be his “[censored]”,
    That he wasn’t capable
    Of filling my needs,
    He dropped to his knees,
    Pleaded and cried
    Then softly, he touched me
    And told me
    He loved me.

    It's really so sad that she buys into these stereotypes, but a lot of people do. I like the irony that he doesn't seem to treat her like a [censored] at all. Her family thinks he's a thug, but they call him names.

    Really, this wowed me. Bravo, my friend.
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my, Wow, dang. Really. Excellent. Speechless. Hang on, I need to re-evaluate what I've just read.



    I love the format. Yes, it's a little choppy and there are a few    thingies still in there but it's so great anyway. When I first read your description about it I was a little intimidated I will admit. Once I started reading, or rather figured out how to read it, it flowed so naturally that it was like watching the scene play out in my head. Loving the "Dear Jane" "Dear Diary" concept. The first column was only the beginning in which we learn that the town writers were a couple. Not until the second column did I realize that this was a black man with a white woman. You did a very good job of not making it to graphic but still showing the real aspect of someone in that situation. The short stanzas and short quick rhymes really brought this to life. The back and forth two sides to this love story is great. I would love to see it actually read aloud with a "Jane" and a "James". I can see it now, the light fading from the first reader to the next. Ahh, sry off track there! LOL The idea of him trying to persuade her somehow that a teddy bear and a gun are alike is great. Especially because his points are so valid. Then when the ending comes it's pure heartbreak. Pure heartbreak for the life inside Jane. Pure heartbreak for James never could understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It makes me want to smile, cry, and laugh at the same time. It's just a wonderful piece. The concept, format, and style was right on. Excellent. I'm so honored to have read such a brilliant piece.

    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... All I have to say is... Wow.
    There is so much intensity in this piece, so much pain and it's amazing to see both sides of this huge thing: the male and the female, the despair and the hope, and black and white.
    I think the very strongest asset of this piece is the balance. The PERFECT bablance between these conflicting enitities is just mindblowing.
    The style in itself is brilliant and more than unique. The fact that you read it it as a diary type of thing is incredibly personal, I mean I FELT like I was the guy about to give up and kill himself, I FELT like I was the girl trying to hold on to the relationship.
    And the fact is...It's just so honest. Honest and breaking down the walls between blacks and whites, men and women, rich and poor.
    This is a true treasure. The tragedy of the collision of two completely different worlds is just so phenomenal, it's just charged with all these emotions: hurts and joys and feelings and actions and words... It's frank and real and direct. Not romanticized or tainted with nonsense verse. (the rhyme scheme, by the way, is also good)
    I'm defintely adding this as a favorite and I'm going to try to nominate this for a site award if I can. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow!
    I do not need or would not attempt to add to the comments already made. This is one of the engaging pieces I've read in a very long time. I read the columns and then read them across and down. It works both ways giving the feeling of thoughts as the jab into and out of the mind. Very sophisticated, extraordinary. I think you will be proud of this one for a very long time.

    I can see this in some poetry text book somewhere in the future.

    Awesome job. Thanks for being willing to take this on.
    | Posted on 2005-05-31 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my holy, wow, oh my goddess above, you are a genius. There is absolutely, positively NOTHING wrong with this. This made me cry. Dear, holy, goddess. My hands shake as I write thses words on such beautiful poetry that should be put in books, and published for the world to share the marvelous wonders you can bring. I absolutely love this. Wow, you are a genius, and I bow to you. I do. This is really amazing wow.
    Peace and Love,
    -Aya
    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      YE GODS!
    dude... wow!

    the concept is brilliantly well done... the parallelism and yet the total separteness of the two diarylike entries is really amazing and then how they merge into one (verse and meaning) and yet keep their own voices... this musta taken you forever!

    i love the voice of the boy most of all... the way you have played with words and sounds right throughout his 'dear jane' entry... the honesty of his voice and the reality of his world that comes through... wow.
    She pisses me off but just because she represents to me a really girlee girl who makes a decision such as she did but pretty much as soon as shes made it shes wanting to unmake it... my hang up... ignore me...

    the end is breath taking... i found myself reading faster and faster and faster trying to catch the end before the inevitable so that i could beat some sense into one or the other of them... somethings are unbeatable though...

    seriously if this hasnt already it should be put up for that feather award thingee... ive never read anything like this on this site or anywhere else... seriously wow!
    | Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      There isn't a single thing that I can say regarding this piece of work that hasn't already been said in here, so I just wanted to say that I loved this beyond any possible explination. I bow to your genius. Be well
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]


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