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    dots Submission Name: Awake for the Birds Chirpingdots

    Author: queendepricate
    ASL Info:    24/female/milwaukee
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 74/97/37
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1536
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 915

       This is just a little diddy on u

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    dotsAwake for the Birds Chirpingdots

    The first noises in the gray
    of dawn's opening eyes,
    Chirp in reproach of her wakeful ear,
    as they herald in the sunrise

    While night scurries away
    Like a child, she tries to cheat
    The inevitability of time passing
    Petulant in her infinite defeat

    Her midnight meanderings are ritual,
    Devouring entire novels common,
    For, in fiction, rest may not be granted,
    but in books she does find asylum
    From this nocturnal exile of isolation,
    While night is steadily shaved to a sliver,
    Her characters foibles so immerse her
    She forgets the rebuff of sleep's favor

    She cannot sink into sleep's vacuous waters,
    Though her body has turned to lead
    For insomnia is the sheet of ice,
    On which she is destined to tread

    Submitted on 2005-05-24 23:52:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed your wording immensely in this poem. It was so crisp and clean. I could not find any faults either. (Probably that's because the other's had helped you out with that already. :p) I loved "letters" but I think I like this one just as much.

    I know how that person feels. I'm somewhat of an insomniac also. Not that it's something bad though. And I don't blame her for reading at night either. I can't remember all the times where I couldn't go to sleep because I wanted to finish a darn book. I'm a expert book worm. (Maybe that's why I'm somewhat of a novelist...) This is a new favorite of mine. And I'm quite happy that I was able to read it. :)

    | Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by Segniust | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, i think it reads much better. The first two stanzas i find are irreproachable. They are very clear while at the same time they don't forsake the poetry you were aiming at the first time around. I'd go for deleting the comma after "opening eyes" to make sure it all ties in nicely. I actually can't rmbr whether or not it was there the first time, but the "night scurrying away like a child" is very cute.

    S3: dum dum dum . Again it reads very well IMHO. Just for my sake, "novels common", is that an inversion you're doin? Like do you mean popular novels? I like the complicated but appropriate image of "exile of isolation" with the consonance a pleasure to read.

    S4: you mispelled "vacuous" silly, as well as the title's "Chirping" unless cirping is a word; and btw you as my queen have every right to declare it a word if it pleaseth your Highness. . You might want to avoid the unnatural "Sink she cannot into sleep's" and write instead "She cannot sink into sleep's". There doesn't seem to be any reason for the unseeminly (hehe) syntax. What do you mean by "vacuous waters": empty waters?? Nice finish. I like "tread". It connotes both walking laboriously and the evil treadmill (ie, going nowhere fast).

    Great rewrite! :) Peace
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Ash, haven't come across your poetry in a while. Let's see what we have here.

    Should be "reproachful" and "chirping".

    S1: I'm unsure about "danw's newborn eyes". You might just write: "The first noises in the grey of dawn/Ring reproachful...": clear and crisp. :)

    S2: I'd go for "While night scurries away" ; I'm not sure to whom "But with petulance applies": to you or to the night, although someth tells me you're the angry one. :). "Apathetic to infinite defeat". It's ambiguous again to whom this phrase refers to, although i feel that it refers to you. If it does refer to you: how are you "petulant" and "Apathetic" at the same time. If it refers to time, i'm unsure as to the meaning of the phrase. Perhaps the issue is just your word choice of "Apathetic" come to think of it.

    S3: the "And...she finds no respite" seems like a run-on sentence. Mb you can break it down. "I don't understand the expression: to devour: "six chapters common. I'm unsure of the following clog metaphor. Btw should "clog" be cog? How does "foibles" relate to "respite"? I like the sentence "she finds no respite, but rather an asylum."

    S4: cute how you cannot sink given that there's ice. Blanket usually refers to snow i think. Ice forms on the ground, while snow blankets the ground.

    All in all, there's definitely some interesting passages, and an outline to work with shd you choose to do some editing. Don't mind my nitpicking: to cash or trash my lady. :) Peace
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my...were we separated at birth darling? First the little Hammer men, now this poignant tale of insomnia. I absolutely Loved this. If I keep on reading you the way that I am, I may have to add you to my stalk list. The rhyming structure in this was so odd...it seemed off, but it fit the inspiration beautifully. Abstract, one hundred miles a minute, restless and sleepy...what a winning combination, eh? Thank you for sharing another piece. Be well
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]

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