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6 Feet Under The Pain


Author: painofthanatos
Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 684 /571 /86
Words: 60
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1195
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 425



Description:


cruddy vent...


6 Feet Under The Pain



Writing doesn't stop
My heart from beating,
Doesn't stop
My mind from feeling

As the pen
Bleeds
Through the paper
I am reminded
Of bloodied sheets,
All the times
I tried to bury as deep
As you burried my heart
-6 Feet Under The Pain-

But even the blood
Doesn't stop
My mind from feeling




Submitted on 2005-05-25 11:53:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  wow i wish i had read this earlier because this is awesome. i espescially loved the rhyme in the first stanza and the line [[-6 Feet Under The Pain-]].
my only thought was to add a "myself" or something to the line [[I tried to bury as deep]] because i got really thrown off by it when it didnt state what was buried. i understand it's you when i read it again, and i know the rhythm might be broken if you add another word, but it's a little akward.
okay thats it :) great poem
sophie
| Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
  Babe, you really need to smile more. Your mind is too beautiful for such vagrant pain. this is a moving write, all of which I could feel through your words. the visual metaphores (in referance to the writing of poetry) perfectly captures the pain that you are describing. Smile sweetie *kiss*
| Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a very simple poem, yet gives you a good visual and very deep emotional feeling with it too...i have felt like this before, how your mind can feel worse than any physical pain imaginable. good write only thing i woul say is just make it a little longer yes its simple but (this is just a personal preference) poems a about like 20-30 lines would be better and you coul get your point out even better

i love all except some

.:MartiniMadeLvr:.
| Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought it was good and really expressed your emotions clearly, i liked how you used contrast between the pen and paper, and the blood on the sheets, and how you put those together, io thought it was well written, good work, keep it up
*samy*
| Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by samyalone | [ Reply to This ]
  To me, the line 'My mind from feeling' gives the sense of being numb, at least on the outside, but still feeling pain on the inside. Thats just me. I enjoyed this, can definatly relate to the imagery - the way you use writing to express, but admit it wont take away the hurt. If im nitpicking, (mmmm nits) then i'd say take away the dashes either side of '6 feet under the pain'. It takes away from the impact, as opposed to adding to it. Keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Von Django | [ Reply to This ]
  I do not know what to say but I feel deep sorrow into your poem and I can feel what you feel because I do have the same situation. But the thing I do not like in this poem is that line "My mind from feeling" Do you think that it is mentally accepted. We feel with our hearts not with our minds... Am I right? :)
I hope you all the luck and I hope you can pass your hard situation. You can read " Again " I think it is the same, shows the pain we all lovers feel.
| Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
  Is thys about... ME???

SHOCK!

My name is all over it! And I am under pain... lolful! You rule- even though it's not really about me...

I love it more-so! "But even the blood / Doesn't stop / My mind from feeling" I'm crazy enough to repeat that over and over and over and over in my hed because it is such a great lyne and a perfect ending to your poem and to a day and to lyfe!
"But even the blood / Doesn't stop / My mind from feeling"
"But even the blood / Doesn't stop / My mind from feeling"
"But even the blood / Doesn't stop / My mind from feeling"
All work and no play makes Madd Jak a dull boi!!!
| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]


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