Description: What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?
Better Left Unsaid -------------------------------------------
I really like the style and feel of this piece. The centered format also seems to work well...now. I don't know you so here is an introduction. I was a piece of crap writer when I got here several months ago. Now I am a little less of a crap writer, and the reason is that so many people stepped up and told me honestly where my crap went wrong.
This piece is far from crap, but I feel obligated to point out when I see something that might be holding a piece back. So, please do not take offense. If you prefer I mind my own business in the future, please by all means say so.
You had me all the way to the end. You had me with you in this melancholy mood, this "I should have taken the time to breath...to think more clearly" kind of feeling. But then I think the most important thing about a piece of poetry is that it grab you at the start (which this did) and that it leaves you with a bang (or at least some kind of pop). I felt that since you had just told us of the mosaic converation and cigarettes seconds earlier, your ending was a let down. I wanted new information, not a glossing over of what I had just learned. I really don't know what the answer would be to fix it (if you even have any inclination to do so). You might want to change the first reference because this could be a solid ending had it not been but a rehashing, or you might want to take us in some more definative direction. And I suppose you could end with "and by tomorrow" or maybe add to it something simple like "left gasping in the smoke-filled air"
Again, I hope you do not take offense. Overall I really like this piece. It is actually exciting to me, because this narrative kind of style is what I do best and what I like most and there are many who try it and fail miserably, which you certainly do not. I am anticipating with great expectation the next piece from you that I will read.
I loved this. It was a bit short but the length seemed just enough for you to say what you need to. The title was a bit cliché, but that ins't a huge deal. I liked the way you broke up the lines into short phrases; it sort of reminded me of the way I write. This was pretty short and I'm incredibly bored so I guess I'll take this line by line.
My breath escapes me now
[Good opening line. Only thing is I might consider taking out 'my'; it just flows better without it.]
remembering how the words built up one against another in a great rush
[Some of my favorite lines in the piece. Two things: First, you should probably add a comma after 'up' in the second line and 'another' in that third line. The other thing I thought I'd throw out there is the idea of taking out the phrase 'in a great rush'. You don't have to, it isn't as if it hurts the poem or whatnot. It's just that to me it seems sort of...out of place, maybe? I don't really know what it is but I'm really not liking that. But, that's just my opinion]
and how I fought to turn away the mob of my affection
['the mob of my affection' Beautiful.]
to savour moments uncluttered by awkward attempts to clarify what in the end would be denied.
[Alright, we need to add some more commas. I would advise adding one after 'clarify' in the second line and another after 'end' in the third line.]
All of this disguised by idle talk of mosaic buildings and cigarettes.
[My favorite part of the piece. The mentions of the buildings and cigarettes created the perfect image of idle talk.]
The moment, now, is gone. We, both swallowed by life and by tomorrow left the air between us
[ Here is where I got a bit messed up. The first line was fine, but then that second line doesn't really make any sense to me. I mean, the words are fine it's just that it doesn't fit with the third line at all. Same with the last line. Just read this out loud to yourself : "Tomorrow left theh air between us". It just doesn't sound right in correspondence to the lines that come before it. Again, this could just be me, but I thought I'd point it out]
cluttered with mosaic conversation and smoke from cigarettes.
[I liked how you ended it, refering back to the conversation. But maybe you should consider finding another word besides 'clutter' since you used it only a few lines before.]
Sorry for this long and very dragged out comment and overall I thought this was a really great piece. I hope you find this somewhat helpful. Keep up the great work!
First off, where you say "idol" I think you mean "idle". That's the only grammatical thing for this piece.
As far as content, I really like this piece. it's kind of a regretful, wistful piece. I got the feeling that this was about someone who wanted to tell someone how they really felt, but were so afraid f rejection that they talked about nothing, and realized later that they should've said something when they had the chance. Though this is common subject for poetry, I think you really approach it in an unusual and original way. The way you describe the space between you filled with unessential chatter is a good analogy for the distance that separates you from this person, and how your regret for wasting that chance comes to you later on. I like that about this piece. You are really able to articulate and capture just what you want to say- the essentials. No extra fancy trimmings and no big gaps and holes. I really enjoyed this piece, and it made me think of simial experiences and how I regret how afraid I was, and how it stopped me from saying what was really important. I think I'll add this as a fave. Thank you, it was a lovely read.
This is fantastic....the formatting works well for the piece, and the poem carries forth a feeling of melancholy reminiscence...
The only thing Im not too sure about is the ending....I was ready to stop at "by idle talk of mosaic buildings and cigarettes."...it would have meant walking away with a lingering sense of loss, and a glimpse of someone's memories....but the fact that there was more was almost an anti-climax....
If I were to make a suggestion, I would say just add the 'hazy conversation residue' after 'buildings and cigarettes', and leave it at that ..
I am sorry, I usaully dont say that.. but there's little things that have gone on in my life.. with those few peole that I have such crazy mixed up emotions for (am am saying I so[fuc-king]relate).. and an interaction like this.. so small, yet so large,, because you have drew the line of the energy of what is unspoken.. those tense momnets when there so much going on admist what little is being said.. I cannot for the life of me illustret such things personally.. I grealty respect and admire the fact that you can accomplish this. f-uck I am rambling incessantly again.. why I havent I read you before dammit. It looks like you edited already acording to the below comments.. so all I can say at this point is ummm. that ruled.
Submission Name: Better Left Unsaid
