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Soulless charred corpses construct the gate
No words needed to portray ill fate
In the air is the scent of human meet
Rotting in intolerable heat
A bloody moon riding storm grey skies
Lighting a city built upon lies
A million skyscrapers made of bone
Billboards assuring you you’re alone
Lost souls dancing in hot onyx rain
Moving to the screams of blissful pain
Ground made of glass, sharp as a razor blade
The stains of liquid life never fade
Unimaginable nightmares form
Deep in the flames the damned are reborn
Peace is an impossibility
Street venders selling atrocity
No suicide to offer escape
Each day another forsaken rape
Eternity has only begun
Here demons and humans walk as one
Wearing the most fashionable skin
A night in the metropolis of sin
| Have you ever been to NW Indiana during August, it's really hot and boring. The out of work hanging around on the corners, drinking cheap beer from brown paper bags. Smoking 10 cent cigarettes. The teenage mothers, still wrapped in baby fat, pushing strollers filled to the brim with nappy headed kids. The rusted cars, broken streets, trash filled gutters, the darkened bars. The burned out buildings, steel mill stench that never comes out of your nose. The cheap drugs and mexican music that blares from stolen saturns. That's hell, forget about Dante or Kafka, Bram Stoker and the rest. Excuses the rant. Just felt like going there. Good work. Go Team.||| Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by Apocrypha | [ Reply to This ] || Well personally I loved it.|
You varied the cliché's, and put some very harsh images.
It's very sing songy, or straight up "rhyme". But I do like it.
I like how you led into the metropolis, and the part about the vendors. The rape is an idea I hadn't even considered.
Very imaginative, and I'm interested to see this story.
|| Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by reid kat | [ Reply to This ] || You definitely lead your reader into a metropolis with this piece.. I would brush up the flow a bit, and drop the 'you you're' and maybe change it to 'you are' if you need the syllables for the flow. I just got a bit stumped there, but 'you you're' works good when you're listening to someone sing it, but reading it tripped me up a bit... this write is pretty descriptive, it just didn't flow very well for me, although that may have helped it a bit... it gave me a feeling of the hustle and bustle of the big city as it gave me a feeling that maybe this wrote itself as soon as your pen hit the paper, but the pen had a mind of its own, and you really didn't put alot of time in it... a little brushing and this would be cool||| Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ] || I think that there is a lot going on here as|
far as raw emotion and feeling. Although imust say i dont necessarily feel all the morbid stuff going on there-thanks for the read here are a few criticism's
Shouldn't it be meat* not meet?
"a bloody moon riding the grey skies" or whatever was the strongest line
|| Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ] || hi alex. i already read this, but i have the "obligation" to comment on all your work. well, this was a very good piece of work, i think you did a very nice job in writing it. your wording and creative metaphors put great images of this city into my head. great work.||| Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ] |