Description: poetry form of the short "Innocent"--I've just being playing around with style. If you get a chance to look at "Innocent," I'd love an opinion on the variation.
Update: ok, I just find it very amusing that the plucked daisy imagery has been seized upon. Of couse I realize that's what it seems like, and I'm not quite sure how to alter that image--or even if I should--but the idea I had conceived was of a girl plucking the daisy, getting the wrong answer, leveling the everything around her (actual destruction) and only one flower petal escaped the wrath that annihilated the countryside--which brought home to her the fact that he, indeed, loves her not, and not even her destructive force can change it. So she's kind of goddess/powerful whatever. Suddenly I've become much more interested in this scene...
I saw the message you had left me and decided to give it a look over. Before reading this I reread the version I had read in prose and I have to be honest when I tell you that I liked it much more as prose. Not that this is bad, I'm just comparing the two. Nevertheless, I did enjoy this piece very much. It's very simple and calm (for lack of a better word). Since this is relatively short I think I'll just critique it line by line.
Before I even touch the poem I just thought I'd give you my two cents about the title. I know you named the previous version 'Innocence', and I liked that very much. However, I don't think that 'Silence' fits this very well. Then again, this isn't my piece so you can do what you want but I just thought I'd mention it. Alright, now onto the poem...
She surveyed the wake Of her destruction
[Great opening, really draws the reader in. Nicely worded but you might want to consider some punctuation, perhaps a semi-colon after 'destruction'. Also, just throwing something out there, but what if you spaced it differently and did something like : "She surveyed the wake of Her destruction" I only bring this up because I feel that this form would emphasis the idea of her destruction and make it stand out more than before. Lately I've been really into the form with my poetry so I notice that stuff a lot when I read poetry now. It's just a suggestion though.]
All was still
[ Again, punchtion! Maybe put a period at the end of the line. I did like how you left this on it's own. It really gives off the effect of stillness (is that even a word?)]
The emptiness Infinite Stretched forth before her Then
Eternally lost
[Punction is your friend, let's not forget that. Consider a comma after 'emptiness' in that first line another comma after 'Infinite' and then a period at the end of the third line and another after 'lost'. The spacing in this stanza was extremely effection; putting 'infinite' on it's own line was a good touch. However. i don't know if I like that line 'Eternally lost' separated from the rest of the stanza. Personally, I think you should put it back with the stanza but keep it on it's own line.]
One soft White Pure Petal
[This is the one part of the piece that really bothered me. It's too much separation and maybe one too many adjective. I mean, I understand the significance of the petal but I just feel that this is unnecessary and you might want to consider doing something else with it. I must admit, though, that I do like the idea of having a white rose as opposed to red.]
Untouched Innocent Unsullied
[Unsullied? It takes away from the mood. I just don't like the word. My advice for this stanza would be to leave Untouched as the first line and then attach another adjective to innocent. Whatever you do, just get rid of that word!]
Drifted slowly before her eyes To touch the ground
He loves me not
[I can't even describe my love for that last line. Perfect ending! And that's all I have to say about it]
All in all, I thought this was an exceptional piece and I enjoyed it very much. I apologize for the length of this comment, I get carried away too easily I guess. Anyway, keep up the great work and I can't wait to read more from you soon!
Great! Loved it! There is so much here, on many different levels. Everything from the simplicity of plucking a flower, to a measurement of purity and love. "Wake of her destruction", to me, is more than pulling petals from a flower, but the irrepairable damage to a relatonship, or even a deflowering. You have used the words, "pure", "innocent", and "unsullied" to contrast with what? A broken romance, beyond repair, "He loves me not"?, or is their something more sinister? You also include the phrase "eternally lost", a dual meaning again, lost love or lost purity. With either interpretation, you have drawn so much emotion from so few words that this poem astounds. In its simplicity and directness it captivates the reader, has them wondering on which layer do I find the truth? Is this simply a girl who has questions of love, or one who has lost in love , or again, is this a serious relationship that has soured, leaving her changed, forever.
I liked your use of Italics to highlight. I loved how you kept this at a basic direct sort of voice. I find nothing to comment on as to improvement, this seems to be complete and whole. As I said early on, so much in so few words. I just loved it.
Ive never truly thought of the classic way of knowing if someone loves you or not in the way you have writen. Excellent piece. I had to read it three times. The emptiness and disappointment she goes through... just to find more disappointments. Well writen. cheers to you.
wow! that was amazing.. i love it! i havent read "innocent" yet.. but i will.. man i loved this poem. Ok.. this is what i thought it was about, and i could be wrong. but.. I thought it was a girl plucking petals off a flower.. 'looking at the wake of her destruction' (the ruined flower) and the last petal falling. WOW.. the mood was so awsome. maybe it is more to it than just that, but what i got out of it was enough. This is definately one of my favourite poems.. thank you..
I have to agree with the two before me. Its a beautiful kind of simplicity. My only thing is that I thought you should get rid of "unsullied"..it just didnt flow for me..just a thought..great poem
Hey there. I really like this. It's simple, which is what makes it so impacting. This theme, though often overused and poorly written about, is one that you seem to have grasped well here. Again the simplicity comes into play.
That is a really good style you have going there the way you take one short seemingly insignificant event and turn it into an interesting poem. It was very short sweet and to the point.
~~~~~~ I love myself and those who love me SonAsylum ~~~~~~
Submission Name: Silently
