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    dots Submission Name: backslidingdots

    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 394
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 2196
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2056


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    "Marry me."

    You've waited for your moment again; the flurry of kisses, the slow steps away from where we embrace tightly and tighter still ... the moment when we at last say goodbye. Your moment is heaviness that spills out all the stale air in your lungs, splashing down in liquid lead. Lead around my feet, around until it anchors me not three feet from you, breath gone from my lungs; I am unable to move.

    This is not the first time these words have swirled around my feet, stolen my breath. And yet ... "yes". It has always been "yes". A very secret "yes" bubbling over in my mind, the answer to everything you ask me.

    You are saying something more but I dwell on a list that sits in a drawer, put away the day I decided to keep you. A manifest that sits put away but not destroyed for unexplored reasons. A catalog of dreams that may not have a future, places I may never get to, plans that may never be used because I decided to need you. And you once told me a decision is simply a desire.

    You move closer to me and talk of our future, putting your face on what was previously faceless in the deep longings of my soul, never put to paper. Lover, Husband, Father ... Friend. Forever.

    I realize then that by saying "yes", I say "yes" to Forever and "no" to a piece of bond paper that I could not throw away when it was useless. And that's why you're wrong about what a decision is. I need you, but I desire that which I cannot let go of.

    "I love you," I say, with one more kiss, one more soft hand around the face of Forever, easing my need to touch you just a little. I leave you to go to a list that sits in a drawer to put the written down desires I cannot kill closer still to the plywood bottom. It is harder than I thought it would be.

    I hope you're not pretending. Because it's too late for me to fake it.

    Submitted on 2005-05-26 02:33:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi miss blue,
    I am your new fan.
    | Posted on 2009-01-06 00:00:00 | by RomiKumu | [ Reply to This ]
      This is, again, a superb piece of prose writing...you have real gift for prose! (I hope what you have written here is true!) bravo... bravo... bravo... michael
    | Posted on 2008-06-09 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is strong and emotional, but you seem to have some inhibitions as far as this question goes. Don't say yes because you forgot to say no and don't put on a charade to go with the yes because you think you can't change your mind, say yes because you want to and its your mind to change.

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]
      Do all women think this way? I need to make a list myself. Well I think it was like a letter to yourself?
    I liked it and would like to read some more of your stuff.
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Very strong piece. I married the first time because at that time it was the thing for a pregnant girl to do. I love my children, but I was not happy in the marriage and gave up many dreams in the process. My second marriage I entered into willingly and have no regrets. Think carefully, becuase once married you are never single again.
    | Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
      damn i need a girl. this made me feel lonely. the last line is great and parts of it(the third paragraph especially) have a breathless poured out poetry, pulling you along.
    | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this a lot but that last line really compelled me to leave a comment. "I hope you're not pretending. Because it's too late for me to fake it" Just...wow. It leaves me speechless. Stunning. Really. As for the piece, I found it to be very sincere and it's written beautifully. I wish I could give you some kind of critique on it but this really don't need anything more. Great job and keep up the good work!

    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      Another brilliant and well written entry. This is fine writing, very beautiful. I wonder if this list in a drawer is literal or figurative of a mental "list" of unexplored dreams sitting away in the"drawer" of ones young and hungry soul. Either way it doesn't matter i just choose to assume the list is figurative becuase that adds even more creative genius to the piece. I like the imagry of the liquid lead around the feet in the opening. It's what made me keep reading the rest of this. I can't help but wonder why the "deep longings of [her] soul" where never put on paper. Or why the narrorator feels as if she must sacrifice these longings for the unexplored desires. It is very much possible for a person to live the life she dreams along side the man she loves. Just gotta be the right guy is all. Guess Mr. "Marry Me" aint him.

    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      My Grace, is this autobiographical? This is a secret glimpse into your heart and inner workings of your mind when you are presented with such an important decision ( desire). That part about a decision being a desire made me sit back and think for a time.

    I like your structure as I am a lover of prose and especially pieces that are written like a diary entry. To have them exposed to the subject would be excruciating. I know this all too well. However, I also think it would be great fun to write it in the structure of a poem- just for kicks.

    Faking it is futile...honesty is best, but at what cost? You knew I would lap this one up.

    much love...R.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      This is such an intimate piece. Almost like I have stumbled across your journal of thoughts and have started reading about this night.
    I had a list when I met my husband. It dind't have plans about travel, or anything so grand, but it did list out the things I felt I needed in a partner. My husband met all but three of the twenty-seven things listed. I have found in the ensuing 7 years that I really didn't care about those three things. I just needed him.
    Funny how desires change with love, huh? I loved this piece. It's definately a new fav.
    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm, a very compelling piece. I didn't have a list, and it didn't dawn on me that I would be missing out on anything until after I was married (at 18), but I've been lucky enough to incorporate my husband into my dreams. I hope you are that lucky as well. Don't ever give up dreams for love, but don't give up love for dreams, there is a way to have both.
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]

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