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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Coming Homedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    29/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 370
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 285
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2487



    Description:
       This is another first draft (will I ever rework my pieces?!) - jotted down in a very short space of time. It was prompted by family discussions tonight about whether it was time to sell the old family homestead (my grandfather passed away not so long ago) which was once central to my family but has since fallen into disrepair and neglect (mostly of spirit, rather than workability). Anyway, I would love your feedback before reworking it. :) Oh, and by the way, the British Blue tom cat lived for a good 20 years before finding a crawl space to die in. My memories of the homestead have always been closely linked to that old cat. His dying seemed (to me) to mark the beginning of the death of the homestead's spirit.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsComing Homedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Soundlessly and unremarked settles
    The winter evenfall.
    The paddocks are grey with forgotten turf
    Of the summer's past crops; and the gums,
    Like ghosts, guard a graveyard.
    Shhh! - hear the hollow shuffle
    Of feet that used to tread.

    Weary eyes ascend the hillside
    Past rotting timber yards and twisted, rusting gate;
    There a window frames the light - but pinched,
    Grave, dim, uninviting.
    Beyond the haunting chill, still stands
    A reminder of walls and beams, once so grand.
    In the gloom, that was once a home.

    But ah, the noise we used to make:
    Whooping, crying, laughing,
    Radiance and life! No end
    To the scents of warm bread
    Toasting on the stove top,
    Porridge laced with honey; and
    Warm, creamy milk fresh from the morning Friesians.
    Tramping footsteps drag in mud
    From a good day's work;
    A discarded coat upsets the British Blue mouser in his chair,
    And the smell of poppy's foul pipe drives us out.
    I perch on the verandah rail
    In the fading twilight, and think
    Of crops we would plant next spring.
    A snatch of conversation wafts out:
    "Get out of that jam!
    It won't last forever you know."

    Sadly I heed, too late,
    The warning overheard.
    The pallid turn of time,
    Too intent, too uncaring
    To pass us by.

    The British Blue didn't come,
    Ignoring the call of dinner and a soft lap.
    We didn't think twice; until
    Two days later
    We pulled him out from behind the hay bales,
    Stiff in the warmth of the barn.

    Then, one by one, lad and lass made the pilgrimage
    For somewhere warm to end their days -
    And I remembered our British Blue.
    Holding my breath, I wondered:
    Am I also to go away?

    *

    See! The barn still stands
    Somewhat; and the railing where I sat.
    But how feeble are the attempts of humankind,
    A feeble, reaching stock,
    No match for unwavering time.
    Yet still I follow my eyes
    To the lightened window
    (and the ghosts I'd once loved).
    There I promise to join them
    For one last time.
    There I promise to continue the duty,
    To uphold the memory,
    The last of our line.




    Submitted on 2005-05-26 09:20:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is just terrific! I can't believe no one has commented as yet. So let me be the first. This drips with nostalgia and rememberance. A sad tone of loss underpins this flash of memories. A visit to the old homestead, brings back a glimpse of those olden days, and recalls all who have gone before, leaving "the last of the line "to carry forward the "memory". I find the third stanza to be my favorite;

    "Radiance and life! No end
    To the scents of warm bread
    Toasting on the stove top"...

    The invoked memories of my own grandmother baking bread and biscuits, came quicly, and I quite honestly felt a pang of hunger.

    A few small points: In S1 I think you need a verb (are?) to complete the thought. In S2,I believe it should be "past", not "passed".

    Just a wonderfully nostalgic, and a bit sad, stroll down memory lane, somewhere that we all go , from time to time. Your language is so graphic and distinct that I could see the images clearly, feel the emotions intensely, and sense the melancholy of the narrator, as she described the remembered scenes.

    I loved this!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      First draft? Either it's an epiphany, or you've got some secret scribbles on that page. This is profound.

    I don't think I would change much. You might investigate rearranging to move linearly through time. Start with the past, instead of having in the middle. I don't know if it would help or hurt, but it might be worth looking into.

    You know your work is good, when the best suggestion I can come up with is "move stuff around and see if you like it better".

    Great work,
    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      this is an amzing peice. td.

    Your desritipn of this house, the acount of your cat... and how your SOUL is bound to this place was...ohmygosh..

    this line gave me the chills...

    Then, one by one, lad and lass made the pilgrimage
    For somewhere warm to end their days -
    And I remembered our British Blue.
    Holding my breath, I wondered:
    Am I also to go away?

    You so chillingly stated the temporariness (a word?) of thing... but how our spirits linger in places not so long forgotten

    and the ending...

    There I promise to join them
    For one last time.
    There I promise to continue the duty,
    To uphold the memory,
    The last of our line.

    amazing story..wait not a story.. amzing acount of your very real life and expericne and the "place"... a very intersting twist of haunting nostalgia
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      *sniffle*

    This was so...how can I even describe it.

    "(and the ghosts I'd once loved)."

    That part got to me. We all have ghosts...be it a family member, pet, best friend or just a memory of something. This is a very momentous day for me, and this poem stroked a chord in me. I wish I could explain, but I can't. This was beautiful. Be well
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]



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