[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Tin Foil Starsdots

    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 874
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 561

       I wrote this about two or three weeks ago. I had been writing about Jane so much that I forced myself to write about something else, lest I go completely mad, drowning in my own mind. Anywho, it's kind of niave....I suppose I'm kind of niave.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTin Foil Starsdots

    City lights,
    Dark eyes,
    I've lost the stars again.
    But to speak of them,
    As if I knew each one personally;
    By name, creed and belief's.
    I look up to find my dear friends
    Of so-long-life,
    And fall on my face again.
    No means to find a better spot so I may view you
    Makers of wishes and lullabys.
    So I cut out little tin foil stars.
    Sprinkle them across my walls,
    Paste them to my bedroom ceiling.
    My very private collection
    Of wishes and lullabys.

    Submitted on 2005-05-26 16:47:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It seems as if this peice is written as if the subject is hoping to one day go to heaven. Now I don't know if you are religious or not, but that is what stuck out in my mind when I read this peice. You talk a lot about wishes within this poem and the connection to stars just seems too strong for me to look away from this potential underlining meaning.

    I think that perhaps in the fourth line that the word "but" should be look at a little more carefully, I don't think it helps complete an entire thought. I think though that the subject might possibly be reavaluate some of his or her beliefs but I can't really say with any absolute certainty. Overall I liked this peice. The image of tin foil stars seem to really stand out to me. Thanks for the read, PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      There's a longing feeling in the beginning which you manage to satisify through a ingenuity. I like such upbeat stuff.

    "Makers of wishes and lullabys" is great! So good, it almost sounds like it couldn't be original. To use the phrase again really nails it home.

    I thought it was very clear and well written, although I might have used something besides "context".

    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Stars themselves have always been able to create this power to where they draw me their way. And your poem indeed drew me in.

    You are a very creative writer, spunky, aware of your thoughts and able to put them on paper to where it fits your personality and draw people in.

    And guess what? I have glowing stars on my bedroom ceiling. I Wonder?

    Thanx, Brack-Attax
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought that this piece was beautiful, even down to the title. It was the title that first attracted me, because I sort of have a thing for stars, and the metaphore made it seem like it would have the makings of a great piece.

    "So I cut out little tin foil stars.
    Sprinkle them across my walls,
    Paste them to my bedroom ceiling.
    My very private collection
    Of wishes and lullabys."

    I thought that was especialy good. The piece was vivid and very creative. I think it was a wonderful write and will definitely be a favourites addition.

    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Emma_closes | [ Reply to This ]
      I've heard that when a loved one dies they become a star in the sky. I like that thought as look up at the sky at night. And I like this poem.. it has a sense of loss but at the same time a sense of acceptance. As for wishes and lullabys, I don't think we ever get too old for those. This is a real nice read. I enjoyed it.
    Take Care!
    | Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      ive lost the stars again

    that is my line... when my boy died i so said that but really i just wasnt looking up long enough or at the right time to see them or something but yeah... ive lost the stars again... i love stars... theres something about them that captivates me and leaves me staring at the sky for hours (i dont sleep hardly ever and so i lie in bed with my curtains open most of the night...)

    i recognise the need to write about something that isnt Jane... every now and then im like "jayde you only seem to write about yourself or your boy... whats with that..?!" and force myself to write something completely unrelated just to prove to myself i can mostly...
    this is a good "coz i can" write...
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      hey you.. nice poem... sweet.. I love the night sky.. and miss the stars when its cloudy.. or im inside.. dont know if id go so far as to try and replicate them but nice thought... shaun
    | Posted on 2005-06-12 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    This written by Chelebel
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]