That Night by samyalone

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Submission Name: That Night dots

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Author:	samyalone
ASL Info:	17/f/my room
Elite Ratio:	3.85 - 93/67/18
Words:	113

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	439
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	675

Description:
I wrote this for my mother who died July 8, 2003. She was young and she was my life. Everything in this is true and it took a lot out of me to write it because it hurts to remember her.

That Night dots

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sirens, screaming, the flashing light
are some of the things, from that night
but the thing burned into my memory is, of you
and the thought that I did all I could do
I gave you my breath, I tried so hard
but in the mail I was getting a sympathy card
"That girl kept her alive" as the paramedic pointed to me
the why are you gone, what about the sites you wanna see?
me getting married, having kids, getting old
but I'll never forget the last thing i was told
"I'll be back in the morning, I promise I will"
but morning has never come, and i'm waiting here still

Submitted on 2005-05-28 11:03:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  First off, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. And, I can't critique this. It's too heartfeld, but then how can it not be. Just....God Bless.

BCute

Hey all, I'm just trying to get my reciprocation up. I'm down in the -'s pretty far. So, don't feel the need to comment on my work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things at Elite. Think of it as a favor from me to you! Thanks for the read!
<3BCute
| Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  This so sad and yet so powerfully moving. Beautiful! It's good that you realize you did your best. It showed grit and prescence of mind. In a poem "Fathers day" I speak of my three daughters and the sadness that my father never knew any of them. Keep writing. you re very talented!

Steve
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
  This is in deep consideration of your age that I say this, but I think you have exceptional potential.
I cannot quite place my finger on it, but this piece, with such a sensitive topic, really did the tragic trick.
You covered all bases without whining or dwelling on small frivelous details, and your helplessness was described beautifully by your closing lines.
I don't know what to say, other than that I'm quite impressed.

MyX
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
  This is such a sad tragic poem and I am very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose someone, especially a parent. I lost my dad and he was young when he died too. It is really hard to deal with! It must be even harder for you as a female to lose your mom. I can only imagine. Your poem is really good! It has really nice flow to it. I am sure it must have been really hard to write. Expressing your feelings through writing can really help you deal with things and I hope it helps you. Take care!
| Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm so sorry about the situation that you are in. This was really deep. I felt like in a way i could feel your pain...but no one that has lost someone that close to them could understand fully. I loved the flow...The ending was great. I think my favorite parts were the first 2 lines and the last 2 lines. Keep her alive in your heart and remember she is always with you. Again wonderful job. THis is going into my favorites.

Mikki
<3
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with everyone else, this is definitely a poem that can move someone. Although it's not something that a person would like to remember, your memories are crisp and clear, even the sounds, and that makes it even stronger. It makes me want to give you a hug. :x
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by insipid sky | [ Reply to This ]
  Woah, chills. Very emotional, and thought provoking. Yes, it takes a lot of strength to write something of this nature, but you did it well. All I can say is maybe go through it a couple times and edit it. There are just a few corrections that could be made. Like, be careful not to use too many commas where they aren't needed. They can often take away from the poem. Also the line "the why are you gone..." the=then.
Anyway, this subject, although difficult to deal with, could be the background of some very powerful writes.
Amber
| Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
  Thats a pretty touching write. I think that, even though it might be hard, you could do alot with the subject matter here in later writes...Theres so much emotion, so much feeling! There's power here in this write, keep it up. Thanks for the read

key wester
| Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very hard to say anything about. i lost my father in 2002 but it was nothing like you described. i can't remember what the last words were he said to me, which is probably a good thing. so, i've been where you are/were and i know its hard to remember but i say its good to get things out. a problem spoken is a problem half solved. the only thing i would suggest to do to this as a poem is change the last line because i think the rhyming prolongs it too much but thats it. a very emotional and gripping write.
| Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  that was very emotional. i srry that you had to be put in that situation. i'd like to know the story behind this, but then again, i would really prefer you not have to relive that moment anymore and i'm sure you wouldn't either. very deep and touching.~p.j.
| Posted on 2005-05-28 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I am writing this because I loved it so much yet I do not know what to write. I even had tears clustering in my eyes by the time I finished reading the poem. The somewhat illusive hope that you ended the poem with is touched me the most. The flow of words are just there to captivate once I started reading. I cant feel your pain the way you do but I surely can see it. I know it is not easy but this is real!

Another thing that touched me a lot is the fact that my birthday is on the 8th of July. I recalled back to what I was doing that night. Then there was a unknown guilt for I was partying while there may have been many who would hold that night as memory of pain....................

peace

May her soul rest in peace forever in the houses of the Holy
| Posted on 2005-05-31 00:00:00 | by forestspirit | [ Reply to This ]
  very well. I can feel the pain and seriousness. I give you my condolences. Your peom is strong in the detail and imagery it presents. I read your poem before I read the blurb ahead of it, and at that moment, I felt like I was at the scene. Your word choice, rhythm, everything, worked in unison. I thank you for submitting this poem.
| Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]
  WAKEUP! Wake up it will be morning when you can think of her as being there by your side.
I know the pain you have been having. Those things you have done to your friend are but normal steps in the grieving process. I know your friend can understand that. Your friend has been a blessing to you. As I just said, Wake up its almost morning. You can see her when the sun first kisses the morning dew.
Remember she left a part of her flesh which is you to continue the day break dream she had she had for you. Remember also, if you were to marry your child would have part of she flesh. Its nature's way of never saying goodbye.
She will dry your tears when you can say,"Good morning,mom,I'm going to make today the best beginning of the beginning of the rest of my life."
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
  After I submitted my last comment to you I went and read your other submissions. They remind my of Poe, who wrote about the dark and lonesome. Your first submission sort of ties in with your last piece in its last stanza.
Keep up the writing. Your submissions have a breath taking shortness which I think cannot be matched. Your mom is making you a good poet while she is on the other side. Wake up, it will soon be morning.
Perhaps you sometime in the future after you have accumulated more poems can publish them. You have chosen a subject in all your submisions that is able to touch all hearts.
Remember She'll see you in the morning when the sun rises to drink the dew.
| Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]

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