Wax Tears by Krazy

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Wax Tears dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Krazy
ASL Info:	20/F/Lost in the woods?
Elite Ratio:	6.39 - 342/301/44
Words:	123

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	615
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	775

Description:
Uhm, I don't know what to say about this one. I wrote it at 12:00 after crying for something completely different from death...I hope you enjoy.

Wax Tears dots

-------------------------------------------

One person
One spirit
One candle

The flicker from the candle
Send shadows across a fragile frame
Her knees are weak but hold in place
She kneels, not out of respect, but out of love
A box, a chest…a coffin
Pale cheeks dry now, but jaded with lines of sorrow
They say she shouldn’t have come
At first refuse to leave, but seeing her eyes
Has them bowing out
She bends before him, their candle lit
This will be the last time it will ever shine
For tonight it will bleed dry
As the candle starts to die she steps to the coffin
“My love, my life, my wish.”
The candle fades to nothing

Two spirits
Two hearts
Together again

Submitted on 2005-05-29 01:27:13 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  aww...this is so sad. I just can imagine an old lady who's husband died and she wasn't able to make it without him and crawled in the coffin and died beside them...kinda creepy actually, but sad. This was a cool write though.

Kris
| Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by Raindrops | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed this piece. It's got a darker feel to it, which I really like. What I really admire, is that it's dark, without being too angsty, and certainly not emo. Emo tends to be my style, but I don't like to read too much of it. It makes me feel burnt out. But this wasn't like that.

It was very enjoyable, nice job.
| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with the person who posted before me, it reminds me of Romeo and Juliet. Only more morbid. Morbid goooood.

I love the free verse in this, it flows beautifully. Unlike so much free verse I've read that is so far off key it's not even funny.

Beautiful poem and it's going on my favorites list.

Sammy
| Posted on 2005-12-29 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]
  I can't read this poem with out thinking about the ending to Romeo and Juliet, especially because of the last stanza.

I'm thinking about what Brack-Attax wrote about the respect line. There must be a reason you wrote that. Perhaps you're talking about the pure unreasoned emotion of love, or about that human state where we cannot think, only feel. I dunno... Maybe you were in that place when you wrote this.

From your description, I assume that this is about literal death, or suicide. It could also be a metaphor though, about how if you love someone enough, you will sacrifice your own way of life to be with them. Hmmm, or maybe that's another poem for another day.

I really like you you describe tears:

Pale cheeks dry now, but jaded with lines of sorrow
They say she shouldn’t have come
At first refuse to leave, but seeing her eyes
Has them bowing out

Anyway, I think this is beautiful. I'm not sure about a candle "shining" though. Does a candle shine? It more flickers, or shimmers, or flutters, or does something a little more fragile.

Thank you for sharing this
Sam
| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by Ratboy | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved this poem. It left a lot of thoughts in my head. I pictured a mother with the loss of a child. I also pictured an ex wife over the loss of a man who left her long ago, that she never managed to let go. She had to say her good byes. This poem inspired pictures. This was really well done. I also liked the beginning and ending. It kept the mood steadily sober. I feel the need to add this to my favorites.
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Traveller | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this so much. I particularly like the way you have used the three two-word lines at the beginning and end. They are a huge contrast to the great block of text in the centre and the slow sounds of the opening words set the slow pace for the rest of the poem perfectly.
I love how there are so many unanswered questions within the poem that keep you guessing. Who is she? What link does she have with the deceased? Why the candle..etc There are so many possible interpretations and, to me, that is the mark of a successful poem (when left open). If people continue to consider the poem after they have finished reading then I believe it is something special.
Thanks for contributing.
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
  WOW!!!!!!!! This is so amazing, sad, and it makes me want to cry. Its so powerful, and strong. I love how you used every line. I'm gonna be differant from the rest, of the commenters. I liked every single line of this. So its definately going on my favs.. BY the way I love your title.

Keep writing
Ill try to read more of yours
stephanie
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  The flicker from the candle
Send shadows across a fragile frame

flicker from - fragile frame
Great alliteration

Such a classic theme.

Suggestion:
Perhaps replace one of the places you use kneel (lines 3 & 10) with bend. I think the variety might add to the complex beauty of the poem.

Beautiful story!
Well done.
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  *claps*
Wow Bon, this is really, really freakin' good! I love what you did with this.

Oh and by the by, don't listen to Brack-Attax. You don't need to change a thing. I thinks it's wonderful how it stands.

So who be this writen about darling? I always enjoy reading your stuff, but it bugs me that I don't know where the inspiration comes from. I don't, I guess it's just because I'm so darn snoppy, I have to know what everything is about and so on. But you already know that. *laughs to self*

So how was dinner last night with Meg and the fam? I can't believe she's leaving soon. I want to cry again. I don't like her leaving!

Anyway, back to your piece, you did such an amazing job! You are truely a wonderful writer and I bow down to you and your pen! *bows*

Love you,
Kimbawa
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  This was beautiful, and sad.
The language you cleverly use to convey the sense of loss, of love, of yearning,
'Her knees are weak but hold in place'
'jaded with lines of sorrow'
'but seeing her eyes
Has them bowing out'
is breath taking in it's appropriateness.

it is rather ambiguous if they are united through their memories, or if she has committed suicide to be with him, but it's a beautiful ending nevertheless. happy endings are always good. *sigh*

thanks for the read,

Alexis.

p.s. I have to ask, seeing the picture, do you like Johnny the homicidal maniac? LOL I love it , love it, love it...
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
  Me again, I read it once again- It's cool.
That one line still gets me.
I think it should go"She kneels out of respect and love"

or "and of love" on the last part.

I think the word of adds suspense and create water in the eye of the reader.

Sorry to bother you so much.
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, Sounds good, but there are a few things,

The line"She neels, not out of respect, but of love."

I believe one who loves another also respects another. It's respect that first brought love in the picture.
There have been instances where one loves but does not respect another ex: Families,
I love my brother, but don't respect him and his ways.

Maybe you were refering to the family present.

the line"My love, my life, my wish" I believe backs my statement up.

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I do like it though.
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah Bonnie!!!! I'm finally freaking commenting on your freaking work. Gah I'm a freaking slacker!!! Sorry, got a little excited. I liked this one it's very beautiful and I LOVE the fact that it keeps you guessing, you don't quite know who she is, you think you know but you don't!!! ("tell me all you thoughts" I'm listening to Counting Blue Cars right now) um.... I LOVE YOU!!!! I also kinda feel bad because in you description I know what you were crying about and it makes me want to cry as well!!! I like the beginning and end of the one how it's the 3 lines, yeah I love it!!!

Joqer
| Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by Joqer | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the set up of this poem going from: One person, One spirit, and One candle in the beginning and then Two spirits, Two hearts, and Together again in the end, that is a magical touch. and as sad as these words are they are rich in beauty. almost like a dark romance with death.
mike
| Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  This was an amazingly beautiful sad write! I will be adding this to my favorites as well. The words really flowed beautifully and had a tranquil affect as one was reading it.
I also loved how it started with one spirit and ended up with two-a tragic love story type thing.
Either way, you wrote this beautifully and I really did love reading it!
Candi
| Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

60786

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]