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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Life and Life Onlydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1249
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1249



    Description:
       Ok...here it is, the arbitrary 'metaphysical poem' I've been promising. You'll notice on thing about it fairly quickly- it isn't really metaphysical in the 17th century sense...modern language, basically free verse...reference to Bob Dylan all over the place.

    If you really feel up to it you can try and judge it on it's 'metaphysicality' by going to www.wikipedia.com to find out about the style thereof...however I can understand if you cbf and I would appreciate any comments whatsoever.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife and Life Onlydots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was Bob Dylan who told his
    Ma that ‘He not busy being
    born is busy dying’. Are you?

    Sometimes I know I am dying-
    tender tendrils of sunshine struggle,
    clutching at my face past the
    flimsy plastic blinds as I lie
    inert on my death-couch, watching
    cartoons in the tepid twilight.
    I feel myself leaking into
    deflated nothingness like an
    old birthday balloon- and it hurts.

    There’s a street-game I often play:
    ‘Dying…dying, born, dying’.
    It’s like watching an endless grey
    parade of ants crawling on the road,
    and deciding which ones to squash.
    Then there are the times I wonder
    ‘Who will be the last person to
    see me alive?’ My money’s on
    the guys from poker the night before.

    Imagine being a bare toilet roll,
    stripped of your tissues by the world
    to wipe away Her plastic filth.
    Shivering, naked on a steel rod,
    you’d have to wonder what it would
    have been like to have escaped the
    sawmill. To be alive, a pine stem
    born with each dawning day, instead
    of a cardboard cylinder about
    to be flushed into oblivion.




    Submitted on 2005-05-29 09:34:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      The toilet roll image is definitely metaphysical, in that it's very unusual, as is the story you so carefully painted around it. That's about as much of the metaphysical poets description on wiki I can digest, because it's (relatively) early here and I'm only on my second cup of coffee. I probably ought to wait to comment, but I don't want to forget because I liked this, and I'm too scatty to wander off and be sure of coming back.

    One thing I need to mention is the sonics in this- you have a good ear, me thinks, and your use of alliteration feels subtle and pretty.

    The life you manage to portray is so real is breathtaking. I'm all for nature poetry and describing those moments of pure bliss, but this is so much more real than that. Death-couch indeed.

    The balloon image, too, while not being the most original image, was presented in a fresh way. I think the qualifying 'nothingness' acheives that, and I also think you are a careful writer.

    The 'Her' refers to the world generally, right? 'Plastic filth' is interesting, too.

    Really, I like this because it's so true, it describes life as it is, with all its dull imperfections and tired meaninglessness. I think that's metaphysical too, right? That sense of 'these cartoons I am watching mean nothing, they mean nothing'.

    So I would venture that this is a successful metaphysical poem, but yup, it's early and my brain is still playing gaga with the world.

    This is a seriously unspecified comment, sorry :)

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-11 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmmn...loved the theme, loved the imagery - The opening Dylan lyrics were neat, even if the ideas were about as far from my short as you can get :) - my favs are the entire last stanza and the lines
    'inert on my death-couch, watching
    cartoons in the tepid twilight'
    - Gratizias Civilian, keep up the great work...
    | Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Von Django | [ Reply to This ]
      Absolutely loooooooooooooooved the toilet roll conceit.
    Classic Civilian, terrible clever. What struck me first was the ingenuity of the comparison, shortly followed by the unlikeliness.
    You brought this right into the twentyfirst century quite well.
    Only thing I can think of is there is no real sign of a blatant dialectic as a vehicle for the themes of your poem. However that isnt necessarily a requirement.
    This was clear and not overly complicated although one can delve deep for meaning if one so desires.
    Your work is characteristically clever and overall 'good write'.
    Keep an eye out for my next metaphysical post.
    | Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]
      you had some really great imagry here they brought some really great pictures in to my mind. i agree with beatthedrum about not knowing about the her in thos but other than that i think that this is very good work. lia
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this. I really like Dylan, and the intertextualising of his quote and the theme really sets off this piece, in my humble opinion.
    I like the images present in the second stanza,

    and alliteration, which I just adore,
    'tender tendrils'
    'tepid twilight'

    'I feel myself leaking into
    deflated nothingness like an
    old birthday balloon- and it hurts.'
    this is my favourite, I think it's an interesting metaphor, so very clever.
    the likening of human life to the deflation of an old balloon..

    the reference to the ants was just hilarious for me, because that's exactly what I used to do sometimes. when you're really bored and you start to watch these little ants and feel really superior..although i deeply regret doing that. I was just a kid.. *coughs*

    The poker reference was a light hearted touch to what could have been a really depressing poem, I like that subtle humour.

    The last stanza is just brilliant in my opinion, another great-and interesting-metaphor.. I quite liked the lines,
    'by the world
    to wipe away her plastic filth.'
    I took it as the 'excreting human' being metaphor for the world, excreting 'plastic filth' our over use of material we have a hard time eliminating, but what does the toilet roll represent?
    material we can get rid of? that counters the 'plastic filth'? forgive me if I'm being a complete dumbass, but I really like this poem, so I'm intrigued to know.

    anyhow this is a definite favourite,
    and thanks for the read. peace.
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      Some great pictures, very clear.
    I like the form, although, the picture makes it a bit distracting.

    Sometimes I know I am dying-
    tender tendrils of sunshine struggle,
    clutching at my face past the
    flimsy plastic blinds as I lie
    inert on my death-couch, watching
    cartoons in the tepid twilight.

    These lines are my favorites.

    The toilet roll thing is raw and crude. I like that too.

    Drawing on the real images of life is what I think great poets do.


    I stumbled a bit on this line

    to wipe away her plastic filth.

    I am not clear on what person "Her" refers too. Maybe it is just my own confusion.
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]


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