I was just... wandering arouns ES trying to find something worth my time (if that sounds arrogant, oh well... there's a lot of [censored] out here and some of it's mine, too) and then I saw this on someone's favorite list and had to be nosy.
That's how I found this. How I am leaving it is a different story, because...
This is very good, the best I've seen on here for a while (not that I've been around lately) and I'll tell you why.
Fantasy is always a plus, I love to see people write fantasy/dream stuff. You only write fantasy/dream, if you can work very well with imagery. I tend to ignore imagery and work on feelings, so I can't write this. You gave very good visuals consistently (is that a word?) the whole way thru, from top to bottom. I don't like long poetry, it bores me and makes me sick. I sat here and read the whole thing from top to bottom... it held my interest, and I think I felt BETTER after reading it, imagine that.
My absolute favorite part is this right here.
'With pearls and milk for skin'
Milk and pearls? I can FEEL it on my own skin... how smooth and cool it is.
Gush gush gush, you wrote the cutest thing, I love it.
Complains? Shoot. The rhyme scheme did send me tripping a little bit. For example,
'The flowers have turned to seaweed. Her legs bejeweled with scales Glittering from her waist To feet joined to form a tail.'
Those last two lines are... interesting. If you go back to work on the rhyme scheme, change it according to what makes YOU feel it reads smoother. My advice is kind of pointless and stupid (I hate rhyming, that makes me sick too) but maybe that could change to
i am still lost in this one... what a beautiful picture you have created here! i am seriously in awe of the beauty i have imagined throughout this whole piece! this is one of the better pieces i have read in a long time, i'd have to say it's going into my fav's. i really don't know what to say to you about his. i think it's amazing...
i stumbled on a few of the rhymes, but you made the sea come alive in this, i could see brilliant colors and feel the sea.. and she left you pearls. how Divine! !Cat
This is great! The imagery is incredible! It brings memories of when I was fascinated with mermaids and life under the sea. The rhyming scheme was wonderful also. Overall, this was a great write! Well done!
Me likey. Thanks for taking me on an effortless ride through a dream. This was easy to read, flowed along pretty well, and had no obvious poetical errors. The theme was good, the story well written, and it ended nicely. Ya can't ask for much more than that!
i havent been active with this sight for a quite long time and, for some reason, today i decided to read some. and im glad i did. this is beautifully pieced and greatly described. the last line puts it all together. i, too, seem always happy along the shores. again, im glad i read this. definitely a fav. wonderful work and keep up the great job! take care. -birdy
Danielle, I think I just fell in love with you. This is amazing, especially since when I was little, I used to want to be a mermaid. I've gotten two dead sheep awards and I decided to get on and read some poems. I'm glad this was the first poem I read.
"Those large eyes speak of moonlight"
i like that.
and what I love about you is that you can write about anything. I haven't written for a long time because I only seem able to write about something when I'm upset/sad/whatever it's called. But you can write beautifully about anything.
Submission Name: Homecoming
