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Fireplace


Author: painofthanatos
Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 684 /571 /86
Words: 51
Class/Type: Personal Quotes /Romance
Total Views: 941
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 319



Description:


It makes sense in my mind, but the wording is all off...any help?


Fireplace



My love is easiest to describe as a fireplace
Sit close and we'll both be warm,
But get too close and you'll get burnt;
Smoother me and I'll go cold,
And you'll never see my light again
As I flicker away through the chimney top
Catching a ride on the breeze




Submitted on 2005-05-29 12:52:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  great metaphor. i wasnt sure what the chimney top was but everything else was fabulous. you worked everything in very nicely. only one suggestion. haha of course.

[[My love is easiest to describe as a fireplace]]
i think your beginning could be stronger. instead of stating that youre going to make this poem a metaphor, maybe you could just go right into it without saying it. im not very helpful because i cant think of anything to put in its place. you coooould, however, just delete it all together and let them figure out the reference when they get to the chimney top part. maybemaybemaybe
:)
sophie
| Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
  An interesting metaphor indeed. this particular piece seems like it reflects the female mind/views on love quite succinctly. It's nice to be able to crawl into the mind of a woman, it helps a guy better understand where you're coming from. *kisses*
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
  both of the advice given seem to be well. i well coment on the content. it made me think of personal walls. things you are scard of and yet you love. about getting to close. yet keeping you warm when you do draw nere. you ended it sadly and yet elgently, with the flickering away.
-snuff
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by snufthepunk28 | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't really think the wording is off, but I think it sounds better ending with "As I flicker away through the chimney top". And I think you might have meant smother, instead of smoother? It's short and sweet, though, and I like it.
| Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by insipid sky | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this is very emotional and very sincere. I liked the fireplace metaphor and think you pulled it off very well. Nicely done and a very enjoyable read. I really liked it. Have a good one.
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  True for many people and put poetically, what more can one ask for? I dont think anything neads to be changes because if it had a set...looking for the word...skeleton, it would be meaningless. It takes the shape of the very fleeing smoke you describe...unpredictable and beautiful. Excellent write.
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]


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