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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cursed Fruitdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WriterX
    ASL Info:    18/Male/Poland
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 68/126/83
    Words: 1396
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 770
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 8255



    Description:
       At first I wanted to send this to some magazine with a small hope that it would be accepted but then I decided the people should see if this would have been worth being seen in a magazine.

    Anyway the story is simple... and short (this is starting to be my standard length of writing).
    Good luck with reading this, and you are welcome to BASH it.

    WriterX


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCursed Fruitdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Here my child take this." said the older woman. She was wearing old rags. On her back was a big brown bag which was possibly as old as her. In her right hand was a strange fruit. It looked like an apple but was all purple.
    "What is it?" asked the child. It was a boy of about four years. He was wearing nice new clothes and it seemed as if he came from a rich family.
    "Its a very rare fruit, there is only one tree which produces them, trust me child it is good and it will make you strong and healthy." said the older woman.
    "But momma said not to take anything from strangers."
    "I am no stranger, you know me, I am Helga."
    "But mommy also said that you are mean, that you eat children and that you are a witch."
    "She really said that?" the child nodded. "Oh my, she really said such terrible things about poor me?"
    "But I think you are nice. You don't look like a witch, you don't act like one."
    "Only the young have some knowledge of people." Helga looked at the boy once more. "Take this fruit young one and eat it." she showed him the apple, the child took it. He first looked at Helga and then he took a bite of the strange fruit."
    "Mmmm, its tasty." the child said and he took another bite.
    "You see? Old Helga never lies." the child slowly ate the apple. When he was half-way through he suddenly dropped to the ground.
    "I don't feel too good." he whispered.
    "Oh my. I think you need help, I will take you to my cottage, I have some herbs which may help you." Helga opened the bag and put the boy inside it. "Don't be afraid, it may be dark but we will be home soon." Helga picked up the bag and started to walk. She left the dark alley and walked for the gate. Suddenly someone shouted to her.
    "What do you have in the bag Helga?" she turned around and saw a city guard walking toward her, a Halberd in his right hand.
    "Nothing sir, only some old trash." she lied.
    "You know that you are not allowed inside the city."
    "I do sir."
    "Open the bag Helga." the old woman looked at the guard.
    "Yes, of course." she dropped the bag. The guard walked up to it. As he was about to open it Helga took out a dagger hidden in her rags and she stabbed the man three times in the back. The guard fell to the ground blood covering the small part of the street around him. Somebody noticed this and alarmed everyone.
    "Its Helga! She killed a guard!" everyone on the street looked at the old woman.
    "You fools, you will not stop me!" she shouted. She took out a small bag and then dropped it on the ground. From its inside fell out small bones, each one turning itself into a fierce dog with red eyes. "Get them!" Helga shouted and the dogs attacked the guards who came arrived immediately after the alarm was sounded. Helga laughed and she started to run for the gate. It was closed and four guards were guarding it. When they spotted Helga they started to run toward her. "You all will suffer great pain!" she screamed. She pointed one finger at them and from it shout out a fire ball which flew straight at the guards. Two of them were too slow and they were turned into ash the two other ones fled in terror. The Fire ball flew on and when it hit the gate it exploded opening an escape route. The witch chuckled and she left the city.

    After some time Helga reached a small hut. It was surrounded by trees from all sides. It looked pleasant and calm. She entered her house and dropped the bag on a table situated in the middle of the hut. She opened it and looked at the boy. He was almost dead. His eyes were shut and he mumbled something continuously.
    "Don't worry little one, old Helga will save you." she walked to a chest and from it took out a bottle with a green liquid. As she walked up to the table somebody spoke.
    "Helga, I though you would not try this again." without looking at the speaker she could tell who it was.
    "Albert... I was not expecting you..."
    "I only noticed that the whole city was attacked by dogs with strange eyes and the main gate exploding into a few hundred pieces, it could only be you."
    "You know me too well... but this time you will not escape my wrath!" Helga turned around and pointed her fingers at Albert. From them shot out things which looked like sharp pieces of wood. Albert ducked and then jumped straight at the witch. He hit her with the butt of his sword. Helga fell to the ground. Albert looked at the table and sighed.
    "Too late." he walked up to the boy and he heard him say something. "What is it?"
    "I want to go to mommy..." the boy only managed to say.
    "Poor thing if there was only something I could..." suddenly Albert was struck by something on the head, he stumbled and when he looked back he saw the source of his problem. Helga was holding what looked like a leg of wooden stool
    "You think you can stop Helga? You are mistaken..." she started to laugh and slowly her skin turned into green scales. Her teeth became long and sharp and her eyes turned to those of a snake. Her legs joined and mutated into one long snake tail. "I will end thissss right here..." she hissed. She opened her mouth and then tried to bite Albert. He moved back and then tried to cut off Helga's head but he missed it by an inch. She was fast and before he could recover she bit him in his arm. Albert screamed in pain.
    "My poison will kill you in a few seconds... Get over it, you lossst..."
    "I never loose, I will make it a draw..." he took out a bottle with a red fluid and he threw it at Helga. At first she did not react but when the bottle smashed against her scales and the red fluid ignited when it met her new skin she screamed and rolled on the floor. Albert looked at the burning witch but when his vision started to blur he knew his time was up...
    "Good bye Helga, hope you will like it in hell..."

    *********************************************************

    Albert at first fell pleasure, warmth but suddenly he felt something hard, his head was exploding and even his bones hurt him. He opened his eyes and noticed he was in Helga's hut. But how is that possible? He should die... Oh, its them again.
    "You did a good job with Helga." said a heavenly voice. Albert did not stand up.
    "Why will you not let me die?" he asked?
    "Because I need you ,we need you. There is still much evil to destroy and only you can do this..."
    "Why don't you use someone else as your missionary? I know much more experienced warriors, wizards..."
    "How many times do I have to tell you that you are special? We blessed you at birth and for thirty years we waited... you have to complete the prophecy..."
    "And when I do that you will let me die?"
    "Yes..." silence fell for a moment.
    "What about the boy?"
    "Don't worry, we will do something with him, it should not interest you..."
    "But it does."
    "Fine, he will return to his family, satisfied?"
    "Yes, I am." once more silence fell. "Where to now?"
    "North, Black Mountains. The wrong person took control of a tribe of barbarians."
    "Fine, just give me a day to recover..."
    "There is not time to loose, you must move, NOW." Albert stood up. He noticed the boy was gone. Helga was burned on the ground in her demon form, exactly how he left her. He went out of the hut and noticed a horse waiting for him.
    "Thanks." Albert said aloud. He then rode North toward the Black Mountains.




    Submitted on 2005-05-29 14:37:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I wrote you a comment earlier but I messed up and it got erased... it was slightly lengthy so I didnt want to write another one. Honestly though... I think you would rather hear that one instead.

    The hero was cool, he seemed like the pre-destined, compassionate type, but I think that the name, Albert, sounds kinda plain dont you?
    And Helga, that sounds pretty lame... sorry if you thought it fit, I just dont see the old fashion names of this time fitting that one.

    The main thing that I wanted to say was that I see a snow white/hansel and grettle twist to this, kinda cool, yet, somewhat boring. I dont know if this is one of many chapters but I hope to see more... and not taken off the subject of some Disney or other writer.
    Sorry to say, but most of this seems like it was taken off of some sort of fairy tale website... it sounds so cliché'... I normally dont add negative comments to this extent but I also dont read stories that sound like they came off of Disney. I just said that like 4 times didnt I? Sorry about that. I see you have passion, you want to write... just write something totally out of your head... using another's storyline just doesnt work for you. Some people have gotten away with it, but I dont see why you should plan to.
    Luke/Lareth
    PS, I wrote a story and I submitted the first chapter today... read over it and see if it gives you any ideas... but remember to be yourself, not me or someone else... if you have to write about your life itself, do that... it helps... trust me. :-) I believe you can do it.
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Lareth | [ Reply to This ]
      Personally your story reminded me of a fairyn tale of sorts, which in and of its self is not a bad thing. I agree with Lareth about the names. I had serious problems with them. Helga and Albert just don't go. It might be better to do a spin on something else, call her Baba Yaga or something along those lines. She was a witch who featured in many many russian tales. The hero needs a more interesting old sounding name like Hagalaraz or something like that. Those are simpyl my suggestions. The other thing is that you need to paragraph it so that the story is easier to read. Otherwise its hard not to lose your place.

    Now as to wether it is good enough to be published in a magazine I am going to be quite frank with you, I really don't think it is. Magazines are usually looking for something different, something more creative. Your story was well written but it lacked orginality. That was my cheif problem with it.
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Mimevas Lemqi | [ Reply to This ]


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