Description: first of all, everyone understand this: THERE IS NO BACKGROUND INFO FOR THIS!!!it started out w/ the first stanza being of background info and it still could i guess..but that's as close as it gets!!!
just want to hear what you guys think about it...ya..this is the complete version by the way..
I have felt this way before and it seemed so real! I like your writing style! But I think you worry to much about what other people think about your writing? If you think it is good ,it is! Any way I loved this one keep it up. Kelley Frost
Oh, my friend, this is absolutely powerful..I'm not kidding...this will forever go in my favs...and you said you weren't good at poetry...don't decieve yourself...
"The sun set four hours before She lay in bed. Covered in blankets, she looks up, and sees the fan blades moving slowly above her.
The day's events replaying in her mind, She wondered what he was dreaming at that moment. Perhaps he wasn't even asleep; Perhaps he was thinking about her.
The sky appeared to grow darker and darker, Still, she could not sleep. The air seemed to get colder She felt as if the walls were closing in on her.
Reaching to turn off the fan She looked at her fingers Remembering how he had grabbed her hand that very morning. How he told her he loved her- And she told him she loved him.
The sky began to lighten She awoke with a start. After a few moments had passed the realization hit her that it was all a dream"
That's how much of the poem I loved...it's so descriptive and it took me right there up to "it was all a dream", which is such a heartbreaking ending...
"she looked at her fingers remembering how he had grabbed her hand that very morning. How he told her he loved her- And she told him she loved him."
This is my fav. stanza b/c there so much connection between the two and you can feel it...it's like w/o saying it you know that both of their hearts are beating fast, they're losing breath b/c of this feeling they have w/ each other... my friend another grand performance... -stacey-
This poem has happened a million times to a million people...so I'm sure there will be no problem with people relating to it. I know I've wondered....Are they awake right now? Maybe they're thinking about me... I think the idea of this poem is a good start, but I would try to add some stuff and change the wording of it.... such as changing: "As she lay in bed, The sky grew darker." to "The sky grows darker And she lays in her bed Along with her fan Goes spinning her head" just an example really, but then I'm just changing it to my style I guess, I mean, everyone has their own style, so you're free to that. But keep writing!
well, for such a work in progress I would suggest finishing it... that would help quite a bit lol... You start out with great imagery: "...the sky grew Darker..." I find it hard to stress new changes on something this short, it needs to be longer, more structured before people get too many ideas. it doesnt seem complete, and really, I think you should be the one to complete it... not the reader. if you write what the people want, you will never satisfy everyone, and writing I believe, should be for yourself, as well as for others, if they like it, good, but if not... then go somewhere else and read some wierd ecstacy book lol.
Hey girl... I must admit, I have lost practice in commenting. I haven't been to this site for a looooong time now, so be proud cos you lured me here, hehe.
On to the poem: FINISH IT! I would also add a little something in the first stanza that ties with the second or something like that. But other than that, girl, it's good! You doing good, only delete this one when you are completely finished with it! I'll comment on the full one later, kay!
I'm just gonna pick this apart by each stanza and show you what I think... I've been on vacation for a few days now so I guess I may be a little more fucused... I got my nap nap time...:-p
Stanza one. "The sun set four hours before She lay in bed. Covered in blankets she looked up, and saw the fan blades moving slowly above her"
did the sun set four hours before she lay in bed? or did it set four hours before... THEN she lay in bed? make that point more clear. I believe covered in blankets and she looked up, should be separate at least by a comma. ie: "Covered in blankets, she looks up And sees the blades of the fan spinning slowly above her." If they are moving... are they like on some kind of string swinging back and fourth or what? some details... eve though they are minor, need to be stressed and described, at least a little better than what they are here.
Stanza two. "The days events replaying in her mind, She wondered what he was dreaming at that moment. Perhaps he wasn't even asleep; perhaps he was thinking about her."
The "day's" events to start with, if its plural, then "days'" I dont know...but I think that if you want this to have a poetic feel to it... then capitalize the first letter of every line reguardless of if its a major or minor word.
Stanza three. "The sky seemed to grow darker and darker, She still could not sleep. The air seemed to get colder She felt as if the walls were closing in on her."
I believe the second line would sound better written; "Still, she could not sleep." I think that "seemed" seems a little overused in this stanza... once is more than enough dont make the writer seem to notice things... put them in the position, make them feel the setting, make them put it together in their own mind, have them watch the events unfold.
Stanza four. "Reaching to turn off the fan She remembered how he had grabbed her hand that very morning. How he told her he loved her And she told him she loved him."
The first and second lines of this stanza connect very well, but pehaps you can encircle the moment... perhaps adding a "...She looked at her fingers..." or something like that... you dont need to, it works well as is, its just a suggestion Int the fifth(fourth) line, perhaps in between "...he told her( )he loved her..." you could add "that" as well as the line after. again, it is not needed but I believe that it will sound better.
Stanza five. "The sky began to lighten She awoke with a start. After a few seconds, the realization that it was all a dream hit her."
I dont see why you ended it like this... perhaps if the dream is on a downfall then she could wake with a start... but that just makes it seem like a bad thing. pehaps if you just say, "but then she awoke," it doesnt sound like as much of a nightmare. also, I like the last two lines you ended with... but maybe if you worded it differently then it would be more effective. ie: "After a few moments had passed, The realization hit her that it was all a dream."
I believe that it sounds better than what it did before... probably because it was one and a half stanzas long then... but anyway, It sounds more complete. If the option is available I think that you should title this piece..."Dream" Or something like that... It just seems like the type of poem that needs a name ya know? Sincerely, Luke/Lareth