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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The god of firedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kazzzam
    ASL Info:    20 M
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 15/16/7
    Words: 302
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 771
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1705



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe god of firedots
    -------------------------------------------


    You light a match and you look at the fire. Funny, that fire thing. You feel the smoke entering your lungs and you like it. You taste the smoke. The sweetest taste you’ve ever tasted. You can hear the cigarette burning little by little.

    Sitting at the top of the hill, looking at the tiny people running in tiny circles living their tiny lives in their tiny world with their fast food and fast cars and fast forward with no replay button, you smoke your last cigarette.
    You get up and take the last step you will ever take. While falling, you look at the amazing view. Raging inferno falling in to what looks like an orange ocean, as if Hephaestus himself was responsible for that. The sea blending with the magnificent sky boiling while you fall. You have never seen such a beautiful sunset. As you fall, the wind is blowing at your face, pounding your body, almost unwillingly pulling you back…

    You wake up, and light a match. Sitting at the top of the hill, looking at the tiny people starting a new day of running in tiny circles, living their tiny lives in their tiny world with their fast food and fast cars and fast forward with no replay button, you smoke your cigarette.
    Looking at that amazing view of raging inferno pulling itself out of the rocks, high up in the mountains, and you think to yourself that this is the most beautiful morning you have ever seen. You hear the cigarette burning little by little, daydreaming about slow cars and home cooked meals and nice people that always know when to press the pause button.

    You try unsuccessfully to fall asleep again, hanging on to that dream and unwillingly, letting it go…




    Submitted on 2005-05-29 15:03:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, so maybe I'm nuts, (Actually everyone knows THAT.) but when I read this this I saw two different people. (Hang with me here, I'm on a roll!)

    The first three paragraphs to me were about the ending of person one's life by jumping into the fires of a volcano. (Hence the reference to Hephaestus- the god of volcanos.)

    The next paragraph is about a second person, who was napping. S/he is sitting on a hill below the volcano smoking a cigarette thinking about better days, while a suicide is happening above him/her.

    I'm still trying to decide if the last line means that the dream has been unwilling let go, or if the second person passes on . Either way it's really poignant.

    One small suggestion: I think others may have an easier time reading this if you expanded on the pronouns a little bit more. (Just a suggestion, and it's only a good suggestion IF my interpretation of this is accurate.)

    Anyways, I liked the way you described the current way of life. Of course that would explain why I'm on this site instead of watching the Television.

    Thanks for sharing, and please, let me know if I was close to getting this right.
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-05-31 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem is different. I really like it. This poem made me feel like I was part of the poem. The poem sounds sort of unclear about the Hephaestus part. If you could tell me what the word means and I would probably be able to understand the poem better. But other than than that, GOOD JOB!


    ~Qutedia7~


    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Qutedia7 | [ Reply to This ]
      That was somehow really really interesting! I really liked the idea behind the thought more than anything else! It is not the first time for me to read such idea as I have read it before and even use it before but in a different way of course!

    The only thing I didn't like about this thought is how hard to be read?! And I totally don't blame you for that! It's a thought not a poem and that the major problem with thoughts as it is written in a way that makes the readers go blind! I did worse in my thoughts and it was so hard to be read even by me! But after that I started to break my lines and rewrite my thoughts till I finaly succeeded in writing a thought -a random thought- that is easily read by the readers! So I suggest trying till you get used to it!

    The thing that makes this is a good one and may be a very good one is that you succeeded in making me picture the whole thing in my head as if it is happening infront of me and that is a very good thing for any writing!

    The first paragraph that says;

    "You light a match and you look at the fire. Funny, that fire thing. You feel the smoke entering your lungs and you like it. You taste the smoke. The sweetest taste you’ve ever tasted. You can hear the cigarette burning little by little."

    That was a very good description, well written and well constructed too, very good presentation to the situation.

    And then the part that says;

    "looking at the tiny people running in tiny circles living their tiny lives in their tiny world with their fast food and fast cars and fast forward with no replay button, you smoke your last cigarette"

    Very good choice of words when you used "fast forward with no replay botton"!

    And then in the end you say;

    "dreaming about slow cars and home cooked meals and nice people that always know when to press the pause button."

    And that is the other view and it was well written too.

    And also the fianle was good saying;

    "You try to fall asleep again, hanging on to that dream and unwillingly, letting it go…"

    Anyway, I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      One thing that I noticed the first time around...
    "himself" is one word...

    The idea behind this was cool. In reality you light a cigarette, you stress the sound of the cigarette, meaning looking at all the little things... because I know I would never stop and listen for the sound of the cigarette burning, but thats also because I dont smoke and I dont like the smell or taste of it. Sorry, I just dont... But anyway, you look at all the people rushing about their lives and just running back and forth, nothing special, just another day... then it ends, and nothing is accomplished.
    Then, you have a dream about the same thing, only opposite...if that makes any sense. You see people actually living each moment, instead of trying to get to the next. They take their time and enjoy their life. You stress in the end of the piece which one you think is more important, and you leave the audience wanting to know why... or at least why 'you' think so.
    I liked this, (that sounds so cliché'... I read someone saying that earlier) well anyway, It shows what I would call, a yearning for change, for life to slow down. Its a very good thing to want, and dream of... sometimes I wish I could, but life is running up on me and I cant keep up. Cheers.
    Luke/Lareth
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Lareth | [ Reply to This ]


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