Left for Dead (revised) by AngelOutlaw

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Submission Name: Left for Dead (revised) dots

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Author:	AngelOutlaw
ASL Info:	19/female/WA
Elite Ratio:	4.37 - 672/392/64
Words:	46

Class/Type:	Misc/Dark
Total Views:	305
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	440

Description:
Revised edition of "Left for Dead". I'm still not real happy with it, so any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Left for Dead (revised) dots

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Mouth gaping, but soundless.
Eyes wide, tears cascading.
Gasping for air, suffocating.
Strangled, choking, breathless.
Struggling, fighting, resisting.
Heart pounding, spirit failing.
Forsaking hope, surrend'ring.
Motion ceases, finished.
Released, hovered over.
Left for dead, lights turned out.
Eyes flutter open, dry.
Inhaling precious air.
Alive.

Submitted on 2005-05-29 18:33:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  that was pretty d$&n good. i decide 2 read some of ur poems since u been readin all my submissions. it really felt like i could see someone's life ending as i read this. i'm not a poetry expert so i can't tell u much when it comes to revisions but i enjoyed it. holla back!
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
  great poem. it was kind of short, but i think that gave the lines that were there emphasis, and added to the sense that it happened quickly. very vivid descriptions. It would suck to die by suffocation, and you do a very good job of creating that sense, even though the person in the poem survives
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
  So that's what it feels like to be near death. Some very emotional feelings here, and a place that I hope never to find myself in...but who knows. It's gotta happen sometimes.
Neat ending though where you discover that you're still alive.
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Wild Flower | [ Reply to This ]
  it escapes me what type of poem this is actully called. your are right something does seem to be missing. perhapes it is time. or emotion of the death. how fast the death happened. or the reverse effect of someone coming back to life. i am not sure. even my sugestions could overly complicat the poem and completly change the format. hmm. i think the actions are explained well though.
-snuff
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by snufthepunk28 | [ Reply to This ]
  SO, talking to me must be a near-death-experience. i suck.. . O well. lol. very nice images. i got light headed about half-way through. i liked the picture you painted, not so much for what it was just in the terrific way it was presented. good job, hun. lata~p.j.
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
  The peice sounds slighly closter phobic. It is vivid and puts a person right there.

But its my personal oppinion that if you emphasize more on the closterphobia of the peice you might find it to be a gripping peice that will captivated your audience.

Example:

Mouth gaping, (choking for remnats of stifled air) but soundless.

Or something along those lines. I do like the peice and it's only your dissatifaction that will only make it better.
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]

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