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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: twelve secondsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: besodemuerte
    ASL Info:    31/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    5.83 - 242/253/27
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 1154
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 504



    Description:
       title suggestions are welcome... as are all other suggestions


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstwelve secondsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Grey skies spread
    headache inflicting light
    on wet dirt that begs for it's life.
    People rushing about
    hoping they won't have to endure
    the feel of water on their skin.
    Avoiding puddles
    with their feet
    at all cost.
    I sit on my front steps,
    a slight smile touching my lips
    as i take in the scene.
    It's twelve seconds
    before the next rain
    and i can smell
    the air's sweat.




    Submitted on 2005-05-29 23:17:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is nothing more beautiful to me then a big thunderstorm with swift and quick bolts of lightning
    I believe the rain is a gift from God to wash away all negativity and with each rain we throw away the old and begin life anew
    Nive job with writing this
    I would have liked it to be a little longer so you could explain why you dislike the rain so much
    But your word structure and the emotion in this write is good
    God Bless
    Ron

    If you get a chance feel free to stop by my page and let me know what you think of my writes
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way this poem convays teh delight of the smell of rain - with noone around it always seems so fresh and quiet just after - sorry i realise this is the opposite of the meaning of this poem but it's what it makes me think of - then again there'ss the way that yousee the first few raindrops hit the ground and listen to them patter on the street
    i love rain but i'll shut up not coz i realise i am rambling
    Good write - makes me nostalgic
    Angel
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by The_Angelic_Dea | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way you illustrated this. Twelve Seconds, I like the title alot. I being a very big fan of the rain, loved the poem. Did I mention the illustrations? It's hard to find alot of poems that are good that deal with the rain, mostly because its quite are hard subject to capture and not have it sound redudant and repetitive, but you did an excellent job. I think that I'll add this to my favorites. Keep writing.

    Always Try To Smile


    Des
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by lethargic_me | [ Reply to This ]
      Isn't it foolish how people fear the rain as though it were acidic strings? They will grab anything, news papers, books, picture frames, posterboard...(notice how these are all mediums of art) and they foolishly run for shelter. And whats with how people drive in the rain? Does it really make sense to drive 120 miles down the freeway when its pouring and wander why you skid off and total your car killing an innocent family?

    Of all the tried and true, yet overused ways to describe the leu of rainfall, yours is fresh and effective. I kind of missed the idea of how the air's sweat actually smelled. There are alot of different factors of nature that you could impliment into the poem...but then I reread it, and that wasn't really the point of the poem, to make it all "naturey". I see there are still of those users that give you directives as to how to rework YOUR writes, rather than leave open suggestions...which is disappointing as I've been a tyrant on people's asses over that since I've been around. All for nothing I guess.

    I must say...I don't like "headache inflicting" and I certainly hope that its not there for a lack of better descriptions...and that theres some meaning in choosing those words that I'm just not picking up on.
    "feel of water on skin" also seems kind of weak and beneath you...but the same post suggestion applies here too.

    Back to my original point...NEVER let people tell you how to change your writes...ONLY take into consideration what they like, didn't like, could follow, couldn't follow and what emotions it inflicts.

    MyX
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      well i think you have an almost 28 days later-esque feel to this poem.
    it feels like you are writing about the end of the world or an apocalypse in the manner in which your portray and build up your piece, yet that seems to either juxtapose or conflict, i can not make up my mind which, with the fact that you seem simply to be describing rain and your view of the subject.

    i do think you have some conflicts in this which could be looked at.
    for example
    :'Grey skies spread
    headache inflicting light
    on wet dirt that begs for it's life.'
    your first three lines are an oxymoron, as you would not see/expect grey skies so give out headache inducing light, and then you would not expect headache inducing light to come out of a wet day. if you mean that there were grey clouds and this was the end of a storm and light broke through to clear them then you need to tell us that in some way.

    i think your sentence structure is a little awkward in this piece. you essentially have five block sentences and it feels a little structural and i believe it could be slightly more organic to suit your concept.
    for example the following sentence breaks and transitions are a little stop/start and feel like they could be let to move a little more;
    'Grey skies spread
    headache inflicting light
    on wet dirt that begs for it's life.
    People rushing about
    hoping they won't have to endure
    the feel of water on their skin.
    Avoiding puddles
    with their feet
    at all cost.'
    perhaps you could do something a little like this, though this is quite obviously your piece and only my insignificant opinion:
    'The grey skies spread
    headache inflicting light
    on wet dirt that begs for it's life;
    people rushing about
    hoping they won't have to endure
    the feel of water on their skin,
    Avoiding puddles
    with their feet
    at all cost.'

    and that is all i have to say,
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Twelve seconds, now did you count the seconds. Did you just know. Can you explain please. Other than that , I like it. The fact that it reminds me of good memories on the ocean beach. I miss those days. I'm in arizona now
    really hot. summer starts in december. ha ha.
    Thanks for allowing me remember good things.

    Do it again!
    Do it again!

    mike:)
    | Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
      illustration paid a big part in this write.. especially the ending... being from louisiana i know of the rain.. i can preach the gospel on it.. the vivid description of the neighborhood and the skies were also great.. sorry no suggestions just comments....
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]


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