second attempt at a sonnet... hopefully i did it right this time... i hate the last two lines though, so if there are any suggestions on that they'd be appreciated..
and.. a title... i just put this one up cause i know how some people are about reading untitled submissions...
Night skies should hear my wounded tales of woe
And speak through constellations from my heart.
Orion's arrows piercing through my soul;
The stubborn bull called Taurus soon departs.
Black holes ingest emotions with desire
While supernovas leave me desolate.
The only one I know that can inspire
Has left me an abandoned tessellate.
Now stellar jets and cosmic booms take turns
Exploding 'til there's nothing left inside.
The vast expanse of cold within me burns
Throughout the tomb where lack of love resides.
Please make a wish on stars of my distress
To ease the pain that aches within my breast.
sorry, had to cut that short! where was i... oh yeah...i have a piece that's similar in nature to this called "tear", though it isn't one of my sonnetts. as far as a potential title for this one...for some reason the word "Nebulus" keeps popping into my head...i don't know...whaddya think?
beautifully done. great job on a sonnett! i've recently, within the last year, started writing them, and i think i'm addicted! this was beautiful, the imagery was moving...
I don't comment on beso's stuff enough. And this is probably a bad one for me to begin with.
But I'll find out.
Hello beso. I am a poetry duff and astronomy buff, so I my point of view may be a little bit skewed. That's natural, though.
The cosmos are a good place to find metaphors in, so lots of poets try to capitalize on the subject. They mostly keep it down to earth, but you traveled a little further out - maybe too far.
My claim: You make your metaphors too plain.
My support: "While supernovas leave me desolate" I picked that one line, but really I am reffering to the majority of the 1st and 2nd stanza (not excluding the last ones, though). You are too direct, telling us how you are relating supernovas to yourself.
My counter argument: My poetry knowledge is minimal
My conclusion: Relate your metaphors in a less direct way. Words can do one of two things: they can tell us something, or they can show us something. Illustrate in stronger images how you are relating yourself to the cosmos rather than giving us a concrete emotion. I want more freedom in how I read this. Not to mention, the poem would feel more interconnected if you exluded direct emotion entirely.
That's my essay.
But there's more.
For a title, use something more specific than Astronomy. If anywhere, that is the place to put the emotion. That way, we'll relate everything back to the title while we're reading some abstract cosmic thought. It's beautiful.
I sound like an old, grumpy english teacher pointing out the obvious.
I sense you ignored the deeper motivations hidden within this poem, I cleared them up a little bit for you!
Night skies heard my wounded tales of woe And spoke through constellations from my heart. Orion's arrow pierced my weakened flesh; The stubborn bull called Taurus wore me down.
Eyes like black holes drained my desire While supernovas left me desolate. The only one I know that can inspire Has left me an abandoned tessellate.
Now stellar jets and cosmic booms take turns Explosions reaching all the way inside. The vast expanse of fire within me burns If it's love inside my womb I can't decide.
The newborn star is growing every day So are my breasts, a whole new milky way.
I like this poem, I don't think I've read anything that conveys quite the same idea - the cruel Orion's arrows image is an excellent reversal of Cupid's arrows with a similar element of mythology behind it. I'm not entirely sure about the relevance of Taurus - his departure is supposed to symbolise your abandonment by a lover? Black holes image also nice, as everyone knows they tend to swallow everything, and no one quite knows what happens...I think you might need to be more specific about why the supernovas leave you 'desolate' - how exactly? It seems slightly vague after the specific usage of 'ingest'. I'm not -too- keen on the 3rd stanza, feels like you were brimming with ideas on the first two but then burnt out slightly at this stage. Though possibly I can't criticise, because I tried to write an alternative, and can't...didn't spot you were writing in iambic pentameter till now ;)
Yes, I can see why you dislike the last two turns, they are sentimental when the rest of the poem was not. I think the tone of this poem is fairly despairing, so maybe you should continue it that way with some mention of infinity (thus infinite loneliness) or the empty vacuum that is space?
I like this poem, it seems quite original, just needs a little more thought, but the structure is well planned and tidy :)
I really enjoyed this poem. I like how you compared emotions to astronomy.
"Night skies should hear my wounded tales of woe And speak through constellations from my heart."
A very strong beginning, I thought. It sets the stage for what is to follow. I also like the line: "Black holes ingest emotions with desire." It was very descriptive.
"The vast expanse of cold within me burns"
To me, this seems to be using irony. Cold cannot really burn you, but it can make you feel like it. Of course, there is such a thing as freezer burn. Either way, I still liked the line and thought it was clever.
As for the last two lines, I really don't see why you hate them. To me, it seems to bring the entire poem together. I interpret "Please make a wish on stars of my distress" as the narrator wanting someone to know of his or her distress so the pain of it will lessen.
Overall: this poem rhymed well and none of it sounded forced. A sonnet is fourteen lines long, but that's all I really know. I can only guess that you did it right. Regardless, it did appeal to me. Thanks for the good read.
Submission Name: astronomy (sonnet)
