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Author: Raven_s Miser
ASL Info:    16-female- wap
Elite Ratio:    4.64 - 68 /54 /18
Words: 205
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1021
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1189


This is a piece me and my sister came upon while going through a scrapbook of all of our writtings. My sister asked me if i would post it to see what uor writting as a team was worth.

It is a simple but humble piece that shows how little things can hurt the most and the larger the pain the more distress there is .

So we hope you like

Samm And Nikki



Suddenly, you turn around and realize,
It should come to you as no surprise.

When reality strikes you in the face,
And your heart fills with a great disgrace.

Those who swore they would stay around,
Now are nowhere to be found.

But it's alright you don't care,
It's not like they were ever really there.

Always around when things are fine,
Then disappear when things become less devine.

Your tired of believeing their pathetic lies,
It's a game you played one to may times.

Suddenly you turn for the door,
You don't need to be there anymore.

As you say one last good-bye,
Don't bother feeling guilty when they cry.

For they will forget you once you are out of sight,
Then move on with their lives eithout much plight

Now you know with one last glance,
After you took this one last chance.

Your true happiness shall always be forsaken.
And your heart shall never be unbroken.

Submitted on 2005-05-30 17:39:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This poem has alot of emotion, but I don't feel that it is expressed as well as you meant to because of the rhymeing. I find that rhyme in a poem like this takes away from the over all feeling. You should never want to tap your foot to something that is this sad and I found that because of the rhyme sceem(<-However thats spelled) I wanted to make it bad pop song. The writing is good, but I feel that if you write it some other way it would have more emotion.
| Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
  This describes people who don't keep their promises to be by your side. They can't face the difficult times with their partner and they flee. The poem then takes a turn when the narrator suggests that the subject (you) should just leave without feeling guilty. It is high expectations that break our hearts. I think that is what this poem is describing. Overall: a poem that offers something to think about. It's interesting to see what two people can come up with when they work together.
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Benjamin Marr | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey! Sammy,I wanna write about this poem.I read it and I liked it but,I don't think it was one of your best.You do have better...but,keep it up! I love ya!

| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by ArtichokeMosher | [ Reply to This ]
  Let me start by saying; I think it is a good idea writing in a team, or at least is different! Everything has it's positive and it's negative sides! So writing in a team is good because it allows cooperation between two good minds to create one good poem and like they say "Two minds are better than one!", and it helps in improving more than usual writings because each writer will compare his / her writing with the other's! And that competetion is always for the best.

But like I said it has it's negative side too! Like when one of the writers is good and the other bad! This will cause the poem to be unbalanced and will harm the good writer and it won't be fair! But like I said everything has it's cons and pros!

Anyway, about our situation here; I think that both of you MAY have close talent because I didn't feel a big difference in the poem while reading it which might mean that you are both at the same level! And may be not!

You didn't say any details about your sister and I think it is necessary to judge better! I mean you are 14 years old, so what if she's 11 or may be 18?! I think that will make a huge difference!

The poem is simple and somehow well written as I noticed only one small spelling mistake in the 6th stanza saying;

"It's a game you played one to may times."

And I think it should be "many" rather than "may"! Who's mistake is it?! I have no idea!

And about the rhyme and flow; I think it was forced for the most part and doesn't seem smooth and was opvious in many lines like;

"Always around when things are fine,
Then disappear when things become less devine"

And also in the last two lines (the fianle), saying;

"Your true happiness shall always be forsaken.
And your heart shall never be unbroken."

And here I must say that "forsaken" do not rhyme with "unbroken"!

Anyway, I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you, and I hope I wasn't too harsh! I was just trying to give my fair, honest and helpful opinion! So Good luck and keep it up.
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  I think its good, again words are mispelled but I'll let that slide because it was good. I think that it is or was how you felt but I hope that there are people who you know that will always be there for you, maybe your friends. Its interesting being as it came from two authors. And even though it doesn't all ryhme, its good, it gets the point across.
Good Job.
| Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Restless_Heart | [ Reply to This ]

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