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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Snake Likedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 188
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1678



    Description:
       The narrative was originally part of a short story, I wrote some time ago but I have changed it significantly in transforming it into a poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSnake Likedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A young woman wonders
    how morning droplets on gossamer
    can hang so delicately,
    so totally out of place,
    where no flower patterned gardens
    blossom among numerous gloss, wood doors
    with sad and peeling flakes of
    RED: a woman's period,
    YELLOW: pus in a wound,
    BLUE: faded denim on a line.

    Pushing a pram
    past 'The Siren' pub,
    the young woman
    glares at her baby
    crying into damp lace.

    Silver spokes whirl
    past the fish and chip shop
    toward the unused underpass
    where people piss.

    Life moves on
    like the wheels
    across the main road
    to the next grey estate.

    GREY: a bridal dress in a charity shop
    GREY: this path the young woman trudges
    into a featureless future
    woven through patches of dull grass
    and birdless trees.
    GREY: thoughts of her mother's discarded words,
    lost youth, prospects buried
    under soiled nappies,
    empty lager cans
    in an unemployment-fragmented romance.

    Like badly fermented apples,
    love sours to undeserved resentment
    of her husband's salt rebuff of speech.

    A brogue which worsens their disputes
    through dropped aitches
    'who do yer t(h)ink yer are?'

    a question she can't answer
    her self-image slithers,
    snake like as original sin,
    or her husband's
    sliding atheist's appeal
    to 'Sweet Jesus, Mary and the Mother of God.'




    Submitted on 2005-05-31 09:03:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      At first, when i read this, i was a little aprehensive to your use of colour. I warmed to it like ice to a fire and flowed with it as soon as I got to your grey colours though.

    Your poem made me think of the subdued snakes, the slithering limbless and the neglected and surpressed goddesses .. maybe because i've been writing on stuff with that topic, but anyways .. it hit and cord and it is still reverberating .. so .. thanks

    ..what i was sort of missing was some colours to wrap it up .. I guess it is a desire for symmetry that is working in my subconcious,.. buti can't help feeling that there is something missing to it.

    either a repeat of the earlier colour words .. or maybe black,white and green .. which are the contrasts of grey and the fourth colour in your opponens pairs (that is your colour perception in deeper perception than your cones and rods in your retina.. the imprint that colour leaves in your brain working as opponens processes of yellow/blue and red/green pairs. .
    Sorry if this is kind of scientific jibberish to you .. .. I am just ranting i guess, but what I mean is that pwerhaps wrapping it up with three colour associations ni the last stanza would give it a slightly better effect ..

    may the norse be with you ,, ..
    Christian
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      We all write from the background we were born into. Yours seems to a fairly hard one. I escaped from my Irish ancestry about 3 generations ago, from the industrial wasteland of the North of England when I emigrated, from my working-class parents when I went to university. You still seem to be touch with your roots and indeed derive poetical strength from them. I like your running motif of colour (posibly because I use colour imagery a lot myself). This poem has a reality, a seamier side of life, somewhat grim and nasty, yet told with an understanding and a compassion. You are a gifted and "serious" poet in every sense of the word.
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh wow.

    *shakes head*

    This is one of those poems that I read right through totally engrossed, and by the end of it, was very disappointed that there was no more.

    This is also one of those works I wish I could not comment on, because it has so touched me.

    But, of course, I must, as I have to speak of my adoration for it.

    Do you know what the ironic thing is, and I believe you had full knowledge of this when writing it,the opening lines,
    'A young woman wonders
    how morning droplets on gossamer
    can hang so delicately,'

    I believed this would be beautiful poem about nature, but then I kept reading and WOW.
    I love how the image of
    'droplets on gossamer'
    brought up a picture of ragged clothes hanging on a clothes line in a seedy part of London,

    and this seedy side was cleverly constructed and brought across with such lines as,
    numerous gloss, wood doors
    with sad and peeling flakes of
    RED: a woman's period,
    YELLOW: pus in a wound,
    BLUE: faded denim on a line. '

    I love how you use the colours, to portray this grimy, poor 'slum' area, its something I havent seen used before, and gave a real freshness and originality to this poem.

    It's a wide concept, 'the bad side of city life' used in some poems I've read, but you addressed this so articulately and so originally this cancels them all out.

    especially with the ironic reference to 'original sin' and religion in the end!

    I could copy and paste every line of this poem and talk about how well written and thought provoking it is, but, that is the power of awesome poets, and you are one indeed.

    a definite definite fave.
    thanks for the read.

    alexis
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]



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