Description: I don't know why I am writing on subjects that I swore I wouldn't because my stand is to not have a stand but this is a way of saying well if it is supposed to be"a" then I'm saying why do we have all this "b"
"THE FAITHLESS SAINT" -------------------------------------------
My death perception is cloudy
In the murky depths I lye
Trying to untie
otherwise meant to bind me
and dine me
Take me home and fuck me.
Tell me Iím the one thatís lucky?
Mis-construed are my views.
Unknown to you,
I used to-and too,
and the term I use very loosely.
You see the things you believeÖ
to be nothing but a hoax,
in the midst of our modern reality.
hey, long time since i've visited ya, so i had to come drop a line or two on this poem. this was great! you always have had the nack for putting words so beautifully next to each other. i envy your use of the alphabet. this one was especially well written because it is so clear yet so broad, any one can relate, anyone can translate it according to their own personal situations and you alway's do it so easily and so well! you should be getting paid!
unbiased review. ok. well, this one is a good idea, but the description confused me and then i was kind of distracted. suggestions: punctation and that kind of stuff... but i do like the way you formatted it with the indents. nice effect. content-wise, it's really vague and kind of hard to understand. maybe its just me. but at the end, i like it much better. sorry if you dont find this helpful, but thats all ive got! im just not a dark poetry kind of person. but keep writing! -sunny
This is so f ucking cool! just give in LMT, you're not as apathetic as you want. ;) tee hee!
anyhow, the title really caught my attention, obviously 'faithless' juxtaposed with 'saint' os ironic, and yet so true of our current world situation. All the 'saints' are as 'faithless' as can be, if faith really exists and so on.
The repetition of rhyming words, and the way you confuse words here is great because it really portrays religion and the search for it or whatnot, as confusing-which it is.
'Trying to untie the ties the lies disguised otherwise meant to bind me'
This portrayed it so well! Trying to get to the bottom of it so you can better it, but its all too confusing, and is also really 'binding' and suffocating for the narrator, which is how I ofte feel, I often feel suffocated by religion.
'find me, wine me and dine me Take me home and [censored] me.'
this is my FAVOURITE PART because it is so hilarious but so appropriate! this is genius, making this reference! hahahaha- but it's so true in a way, religion has 'used' so many people, and this by far the best poem Ive read on it I think..
'in the midst of our modern reality' it is kind of stupid that people are hoping for the so called 'beauties and promises' after death, when they cant seem to give a f uck about whats goin on in our world..
but err I think Ive given a biased crit. ah what the f uck i was trying not to. but I just love this. thanks for the read.
This was interesting. I could almost hear it read out loud to a rhythm. I loved the part about wining and dining...caught me off guard. very good thing. But my FAVORITE part was te line after the "take me home and..." part..."tell me I'm the one that's lucky?" It's so in your face, raw emotion...raw anger, disgust...exasperation at the audacity! I loved it. and it's early morning, I just got to work...and I am feeling te effects of a loss of faith (of sorts) myself, so it's just what I needed this morning. Your punctuation is a bit like mine...very inconsistent. It's like you are experimenting with it, perhaps trying to get away from the conventional usage, but can't...perhaps you feel that it will define the way people comprehend your message? I understand that, but it can be a bit distracting when not used properly...too many commas, commas in the right places, but not ALL the right places...so it looks inconsistent. Anyway, I'm not in the mood to criticize...I never usually am...but this morning I am too tired to do anything but enjoy it...
huh...well there you go my man, you are finding that extra depth in your work...and good timing I would think, to follow up your big hit you know, keep em coming back...
love "death perception" (very clever) and the indented rhymes are quick and cool...I would suggest maybe doubling each indentation to make it stand out just a tad more...
Now, I want to just leave this alone, because I like it, but since I do like it I feel I must point out a few things...
lye? I think that's like the [censored] they use to make soap...
percieve should be perceive (I hate that one too, but in this case the i before e except after c actually works, though not always thus a nation's mass confusion)
and then I get a little lost at this sequence -
Unknown to you, I used to-and too, and the term I use very loosely.
I'm not sure what I'm missing but I can't make sense of that part
but overall this is thought-provoking and very clever in parts and I love to see you taking steps...I want to say I'm proud but that sounds condescending so I'll just say, nice job my friend and keep going
I like this one a lot, but it took a couple of readings a few hours apart to get me there.
"My death perception is cloudy In the murky depths I lye Trying to untie the ties the lies disguised otherwise meant to bind me"
I'm something of a religious zealot in a non-typical way and I found this fascinating. I study religion like crazy and I love what it can teach us about humanity. I don't think it teaches us sh#t about God, but we can learn a lot about people from it. "The ties otherwise meant to bind me" is an incredible characterization of organized religion.
Then, the ending
"You see the things you believeÖ about death I percieve to be nothing but a hoax, in the midst of our modern reality."
I see that hoax, as well. I recently had a very difficult time dealing with my mom's apathetic attitude toward her cancer treatment. She honestly believed that a better place awaited her, so she really wasn't to worried about "following doctor's orders". I was cursed with a truer vision of the hoax and it was pretty hard to watch her disappear.
Back to the poem, I have to confess I'm still getting a bit lost in the middle. Might just be I'm not used to thinking this hard.
"Unknown to you, I used to-and too, and the term I use very loosely."
I'm trying to pick a part I like best in this..hmm, I think it's find me, wine me and dine me Take me home and [censored] me. Tell me Iím the one thatís lucky Because that is exactly how most religions and religous people are. And you almost always get fuked in the end. I like to hope there is SOMETHING for us after we die, only because an eternity of blackness just seemes so damn boring! But hey, we won't know til we get there so why fuss it now? Good work. Traci :)
This so reminded me of the Matrix movies. Don't ask me why I like them; but it does strike a similarity. As my friend would say, "Nobody dies a virgin, life screws us all"; I have to add that some people get a few new holes ripped to go with it.
Sometimes we have to write about things that are taboo, or things that we say we will never write about. Someone quoted me for saying that I would never go out with Chris, and look what happened (btw, I still haven't managed to do it yet).
For some reason lately, I've really gotten into the whole thing about society really starting to stink. People are doing things in the name of their religion (i the Muslims in Iraq) or doing things against religion (i Protestant vs. Catholic in Ireland). There are hate crimes, disease, depression, and death on a daily basis. I'm pretty surprised that we all haven't shot ourselves by now.
I love this sort of sentimental side of you. Well, as sentimental that LMT can be. It's nice to still see you write about somethign over than sex. Maybe you're maturing too???
Soudns good but why do you believe what you believe? I think your trying to say that you don't believe in anything but to not believe in anything is still to believe in something. Fill me in more on the detail for this one I am interested.
People have waged wars over religion for ages. Whats the true form, whats not? Young boys taught, that if they die fighting for thier cause, they will be rewarded in heaven with women and wine. How corrupted they are. All in the name of religion.
What is faith, something we perceive to have? What are we without it? We are human beings. Here you are trying to break free from the religious ties that bind us. It's hard in world where everything is done in the name of religion. We try to find faith in something, but when there is nothing to have faith in, it's very difficult.
This was very eye-opening. I liked the rhyme scheme you went with here. Not boring, like so many can be. With this piece you are going in a very different direction then the other pieces I have read from you. Maybe I'm wrong, because I haven't read all of your work yet.
The only part I could not grasp, and maybe I'm just dense here 'I used to- and too' I just didn't get it.
Anyways, I liked it all the same. You are great with words, please keep them coming to us.
i like this...the way you tie the words together with this constant rhyming. i like the way you use known phrases "depth perception' and change them. but are you truly faithless or just faith deprived ?
Your section talking about the common "view" seems to be confusing everyone, but I think I got a handle on it, and it was perhaps more a phonetic choice than anything, but it makes sense if you open up a little. The sonics of this piece are marvelous and pleasing, and the overall message is a good one, too. I'm with you on the "hoax" idea of life after death, heaven, call it what you will. How do we know? Truth is we don't and therein lies the heart of the matter. Maybe there was a time when we needed these ideas to make life more bearable, but in our "modern age" as you say, I think we're all grown up and we can do well without Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. It's time to seek out a new religous view, one that can grow as we grow, and not be seen as an inviolate truth . . .
We're mired in these things as a people, and it's holding us back, though I know many would fight me tooth and nail on the subject, I think it promotes ignorance over free thinking and sometimes . . . just plain old fashioned horse sense.
I love this piece. This is something you should be doing at Friday Night Lights or in a Blues club or something. I've tried to write pieces like this, but i never could get the scheme the way i wanted. I guess i just don't have the talent to flow like this.
this is really good, i mean WOW, why not just become a rapper? just do it. you will take the underground urban music scene by storm..
the writting is really great in terms of rhyme scheme and form, the idea is not new but i have never read it in the way it was expressed by you, really good, awfully short, i need more of the goodies..
more.. More... MoRe... MORE...
because it is so great, i sound like a broken record, i keep losing my train of thought, really bad comment..
" My death perception is cloudy In the murky depths I lye " both clear explanation of your life, and maybe i might even venture to say debasement of one's own existence- or more so in this case beliefs, "you are what you know" (i think therfore i am)
what your truths hold is something.. bad.. (my scholarly vocab right there) in tern you are so youself, or your perception of things are, i am with you if this has anything to do with those 2 lines. right on.
" Trying to untie the ties the lies disguised otherwise meant to bind me find me, wine me and dine me Take me home and [censored] me. Tell me Iím the one thatís lucky? " why should one be grateful for existence? if this truth is valid, if one's perception of this truth is indeed everything which embodies existence? that is what i get from those lines
" Mis-construed are my views. Unknown to you, I used to-and too, and the term I use very loosely. You see the things you believeÖ about death I percieve to be nothing but a hoax, in the midst of our modern reality. "
you see the world wearing blue glasses then it is blue, agreed.
very good how you expressed these things, (and more that i probably have missed) or not, if these are just bland misinterpretations of the real theme on the peice, i like this alot, i wish you wrote more, but only of course, if the latter doesnt compromise with what you have now.