Description: A piece of poetry/ prose (kind of a new style for me) about thinking you need someone entirely and that they are too strong to need you and then finding that without you they would fall apart... As well as the way your dreams can change once you love someone. Hope you all like it. This is the first I've written after a long case of writer's block. Felt great!
P.S. That isnt necessarily the title I want to keep... what do you all think of it? Any other suggestions?
Acid Rain From Iron Eyes -------------------------------------------
He came to me with his feet bare—
Specks of sand between toes on noble feet
That had seen the Seven Wonders—
1. Love
2. Hate
3. Peace
4. War
5. Life
6. Death
7. LOSS
Holes in armor (weathered)
Broken by overuse (battle) and bloodstained—
Corroded by the stinging salt of acidic tears
That too often rained from iron eyes.
He whispered to me of the hurt he felt
In an aching, haunting silence
That took a feather to my spine.
And I held the man that was meant to come and save me…
I held the shivering body—the body once strong and unbreakable
That was meant to carry me away…
I kissed his wounds and draped his body across the back of my noble steed,
And I—
The one who always dreamed of being rescued by a knight in shining armor,
Settled for Prince Charming--
And in a golden sunset,
With him rode away.
OOOO. Very nice role-reversal, and beautiful images. I love the feather down your spine, and holes in the armor. Those are not in any way trite or boring. Way to think for youself.
I am not sure I get the final image, though, of Prince Charming. If he is wounded, the idea of him having been "charming" doesn't really work. Also, is he weak essentially just because he is wounded? Prince Charming ends up seeming to take a negative connotation.
This is not one of my favorites, but it is ok. A few thoughts rode through my mind 1. Why is the author explaining the damage to the armor? Am I really that dumb? 2. Why did she use the word feet two lines in a row to describe them? We know she is talking about his feet. 3. What happened to the poem? I was there, then I wasn't (Poems shouldnt have numbered lists. Isn't this Ironic?) 4. He whispered and said nothing?
Alright enough of the list. I don't mean to be rude, so I'll give you some thoguhts(As if I am a good poet)
Word flow is important in every poem and/or song. It must come smoothly in the mind(I read them out loud to myself) When you got to the list; I started to get into it, but that list through me out of the feel of it, then it took me a few lines to get back into it. I honestly had to read it a few times so I could get the feel of it. But, I do wish something like that would happen to me. That is why I somewhat enjoyed it. But, the only thing I really found wrong with it was the flow of the poem. A poem must have life, otherwise, It's just another story. But I'll keep reading your poems in the future, and feel free to comment on mine. To finish this post, I just want you to know that you have the true potential to write some great poetry and I'll be waiting.
as did "destinedfallen" I quickly saw some question marks in my mind. mentioning the feet twice I didn't like. I believe that numbered lists don't belong in poems, um the two lines directly after i believe could have gone"amor weathered... broken and bloodstained"
Then the beggining of next stanza I think would be better as"He spoke to me of the hurt he felt in an aching,- haunting whisper
The end would be very deep if went like this"And I- the one who always dreamed of being rescued by a knight in shining armor, settled for my knight in- broken, bloodstained armor .
He loves you. He faught for you, he has proof! you said it yourself.
Submission Name: Acid Rain From Iron Eyes
