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My Finger-Painted Sky


Author: sunnyrain
ASL Info:    16.f.wa.
Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 21 /35 /6
Words: 228
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 861
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1483



Description:


This one is about leaving behind the place where I truly grew up, without knowing if I will ever be back. And the fact that if I ever do go back, it just won't be the same. So with this, thanks and farewell, 10 Dock Street. You've served me well.


My Finger-Painted Sky



Outside, the familiar sights that I see
In my room full of boxes, overgrown
My youth just won't agree to come with me
Try to take the lessons this place has shown.

How am I supposed to move forward when
I can't slow ever-faster moving time?
Failed attempt to capture magic again
Why must I leave my training wheels behind?

Recall the days of my ignorant love
Don't let my childish memories fade away
Look at that cracked shell that I came out of
My finger-painted sky wins one more day.

I can't move on when I'm facing backwards
My quicksand sandbox keeps my rainbows safe
Comfort in the song of those same old birds
But things may stay the same, that gives me faith.

So it seemed, the world could do me no wrong
My overprotective sun should turn grey
My father's arms were always warm and strong
Dark clouds form in my eyes, blocking my way.

Though these years have shredded my safety net
Good-byes and farewells are constructive pain
I cherish the warmth of my last sunset
Someday I will return to Memory Lane.

One last glance, and tears make my eyes shimmer
I'm leaving part of me and flying far
Sad how my innocent moon's grown dimmer
I'm fearful of the falling of my star.






Submitted on 2005-05-31 23:28:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This poem is kick ass. I really enjoyed reading it. It grabbed my attention and held on until I finished, which is unusual. I tend to get bored with a majority of the poetry that I read. I know how you feel about moving away from a childhood home and not having that safety net. The only thing that I think that I would change would be to add in more punctuation. I'm one of those writers that for some reason or another prefer poetry to have an exorbitant amount of punctuation. I just think that poetry with very little punctuation seems naked.
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
  ^some really long comments. im just doing this for %'s. and your poem is too long, but at least it rhymes. but there is only one type of rhyme, though.
| Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]
  Lose the rhyme.
Forced at times, changing pattern at others it does not add a bit to your poem.
"Got caught and ripped to shreds, my safety net" - You sacrificed the good flow of a verse just for the rhyme, makes the verse harder to understand.
Poetry does not always have to rhyme, you should look for the flow and rhythm too.

"Try to take the lessons this place has shown."
Another example that I feel is sacrificed to rhyme.

You have some nice imagery, sometimes a bit cliché but it fits.
Forwards in S2 V1 should be forward.

"Why must I leave me training wheels behind?"
Seems to lack a thing. I looked up training it has 2 meanings: exercising and teaching and both do not go with wheels.
I dunno what you tried to express but mayeb a gain you sacrificed meaning for rhyme.

"quicksand sandbox " quicksand box should do.
The repetition of sand twice is a bit heavy. REad out loud and see what I mean. You worked a nice alliteration in this verse.

You have very nice worked S 3 - 4 -5 - 7 using constellation and sky as metaphors to your own feelings.
Although in S7:
"Sad how my innocent moon's grown dimmer"
seems a bit awkward. maybe you should lose the contraction and use moon has grown.

"Dark clouds form in my eyes, blocking my way"
Absolutely beautiful image comparing tears to rain, although it is a cliché, you expressed it in an original way.
"I'm fearful of the falling of my star." Another beautiful image, expressing well the question of will my dreams be shattered by the "outside" world?

Good ending. Basically your poem needs to be revised to fix the form, for the content is well expressed yet sacrificied a bit for something not as important as the rhyme.

Good luck
Viviane
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
  What I liked best about this poem was the title and the picture that went with it. That raised my expectations quite a bit. I think the content has lots of meaning, but the way you phrase it is a bit awkward for the reader.
I'd make the phrases that are questions into statements- eg. "Why must I leave my training wheels behind" to "I leave my training wheels behind".
Try to keep all your lines in past or present tense.
Look for extra words here and there that aren't needed- eg. The third line of the first stanza- I'd take out the "just".
Training wheels work in my opinion- symbol of childhood, stability, balance, sturdiness, security. For me training wheels has tons of meaning here and is most fitting.
Second line of poem- I'd take out the "In". You could of course take out the "My" in the next line if you follow that suggestion- too avoid redundancy. Next line I'd take out the "Try". If you agree with me thus far, I could get in-depth with the other stanzas as well. But I'll wait to hear a reply from you first, as it could be a bit time-consuming. Thanks.
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
  OK. I have a confession. I've been looking at a lot of poems today, from people that commented on my work yesterday. I took a quick look at your profile and went, oh, 14, sigh, this will be junk.

I WAS WRONG.

This is a great piece of work. I'm not sure how a 14 year old gets this good, but I'll let that go.

"In my room full of boxes, overgrown"

In one line, you've set the scene. Moving day. Ugh.

"My youth just won't agree to come with me"

"Failed attempt to capture magic again
Why must I leave my training wheels behind?"

"I can't move on when I'm facing backwards
My quicksand sandbox keeps my rainbows safe"

These are spectacular lines. They show a view of a young adult not only moving, but leaving childhood behind. I suppose all kids go through it, but few can express it this well.

The other commenters have given you some solid ideas, so I won't get into that. (They're better at than I am anyway) Just don't lose the emotion and the innocence. That's what makes this piece really good.

Steve



| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't think that this one was as good as your last one about your grandmother. Probably because you set your standards so high when you wrote it...

Once again, I'm gonna make your poem crash and burn, so that I can make it better. But then, it was actually ReaLLY good.

First stanza...

Outside, the familiar sights that I see
In my room full of boxes, overgrown
My youth just won't agree to come with me
Try to take the lessons this place has shown.

10, 10, 10, 10. Hmm. You seem to take four different ideas and try to put them together with glue that doesn't work too well. Like, try saying it out loud. Does it fit? Can you understand it? I agree with babyblue, I think that you gave up something much more important in order to rhyme. Yes, I know, every verse has 10 syllables, but you don't need to be so confined! Poems aren't at all about being contained in a box. They're about being free, about expressing yourself in a way that you could never do by speech. If a poem is perfect (exact syllables, forced rhyme, etc), it holds no interest. Seriously. So lighten up- try something different.

How am I supposed to move forward when
I can't slow ever-faster moving time?
Failed attempt to capture magic again
Why must I leave my training wheels behind?

10, 10, 10, 10. Ehh. And as for the first and second line- it's one thought, split in two. Try to change it- the sudden cutoff throws the reader off. And I don't really like the idea of the training wheels- it's too... umm... no idea. It just seems off.

Recall the days of my ignorant love
Don't let my childish memories fade away
Look at that cracked shell that I came out of
My finger-painted sky wins one more day.

10, 11, 10, 10. Yay! It isn't perfect! But now that you've changed the flow, look at the content. You've done that thing where you mix four separate thoughts. Doesn't work. And I don't really like the phrase 'ignorant love', probably because I myself used to be very much like that. But maybe that's a good thing. Think about it.

I can't move on when I'm facing backwards
My quicksand sandbox keeps my rainbows safe
Comfort in the song of those same old birds
But things may stay the same, that gives me faith.

10, 10, 10, 10. Exchange 'quicksand sandbox' to just 'quicksand box'. It's a bump in your poem; interrupts the flow entirely.

Comfort in the song of those same old birds

L o v e it! Awesome, powerful line. No idea why I like it- I just do. Hits straight home.

So it seemed, the world could do me no wrong
My overprotective sun should turn grey
My father's arms were always warm and strong
Dark clouds form in my eyes, blocking my way.

Got caught and ripped to shreds, my safety net
Good-byes and farewells are constructive pain
Keep the story told by my last sunset
Someday I will return to Memory Lane.

10, 10, 10, 10. 10, 10, 10, 11. The first one- you set a sort of weather theme to it. I l i k e it. The thought of Memory Lane is also pretty cool. Then from the first one- the references to your dad. STrong.

One last glance, and tears make my eyes shimmer
I'm leaving part of me and flying far
Sad how my innocent moon's grown dimmer
I'm fearful of the falling of my star.

10, 10, 10, 10. I'm getting pretty used to it by now, though. Brilliant conclusion.

Sad how my innocent moon's grown dimmer

Try,

Pity how my innocent moon grows dimmer

It fits a bit better. But other than that, not bad, not bad at all.

Well, Hayley, nice job. Try to keep in mind the things that I said- and don't think that your poem stinks, because it doesn't. It rocks. But try to loosen up the mood- you talk about a finger-painted sky, but you make it seem so, well, OLD. Try to sound freer, younger, a bit more jagged around the sides.

Your title sets the mood pretty well. But you know what I think? I think that your poem is like a roller coaster- sometimes you write these lines that don't really match with the theme of the poem, but then right away you set down something else that makes up for that totally. Up, down, up, down. Try to keep more consistent.

<3 YouR oNe aND oNLY... JeLLY BeaN! [a. k. a. ginny/jen]

k e e p i t u p!
| Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]


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