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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heavy tears falling...~Senyru~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladyngold
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 585/520/99
    Words: 10
    Class/Type: Haiku/Depressed
    Total Views: 1093
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 82



    Description:
       After the rain the sun will shine...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeavy tears falling...~Senyru~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Heavy tears falling
    like rain spattering windows
    fluid agony




    Submitted on 2005-06-01 02:44:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I just love haikus! They're so easy to read, but convey so much! I love this one. Strong imagery. I especially like the last line, that seems to be where the fulcrum is.
    -HaldirLives
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahhh, very nice Cheryl ! I love the metaphor of "fluid agony", it is so succinct and cinches up the imagery and emotion of the whole piece. You might consider dropping "like" in the second line, changing from a simile to an appositive -just because haiku forms usually don't employ such obvious traditional devices,- having a syllable or 2 less than the 17 is perfectly permissiable, and is better than having a surplus word just for the sake of form.
    The tears-rain metaphor reminds me of my own "Salt Rain",-but you have said the same much more economically and powerfully.
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Such an expressive haiku! The image it reflected was truly vivid, pulsating in the reader's mind. And I loved the last verse - "fluid agony". It's one of the greatest constructed metaphors I've ever met... Great work!
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by Kalyiel | [ Reply to This ]
      
    fluid agony..

    What a beautiful way of explaining pain. I do not know much about haiku, but I felt this to my bones. The rain splattering against the windowpane, aching so deep inside. The heaviness that keeps knocking... Beautiful write that speaks to the aching soul.

    +Jo
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by whisperslove | [ Reply to This ]
      fluid agony...what an unique way to describe tears. And so many tears to compare it to rain fits the depressed mood.

    I am thoroughly enjoying my time reading your work.
    DJ
    | Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by Doris Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a release in your words which shed light on the object of pain and suffering. This was great from as always with a solid message anyone can relate with.
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      Fluid agony...how painfully poetic & poignant. I am happy and thankful that your dark days are becoming brighter. You are the haiku/senryu GODDESS ~ that should be enough to brighten your day with fireworks! Wonderful, expressive piece. Love,Peace,Joy & SMILES!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Fluid agony...how painfully poetic & poignant. I am happy and thankful that your dark days are becoming brighter. You are the haiku/senryu GODDESS ~ that should be enough to brighten your day with fireworks! Wonderful, expressive piece. Love,Peace,Joy & SMILES!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      The only change I would make would be to drop 'like' in line 2 (unless of course you can't). It's a pretty good little poem. The last line is a very strong ending.

    Peace,

    Joey
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      goodness goodness, miss cheryl. you sure do know how to write the most emotional haiku/senryu. this one is one of my favorites that you have written. i'm in a rather sad mood at the moment. so, this got to me even more than it would normally. this was so depressing yet realistic. i can feel the pain in your words, see the hurt in each line. thank you for sharing your thoughts with us again. great write. ^_^
    hugs and pain release triggers,
    ~*dark_and_dreary*~
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by dark_and_dreary | [ Reply to This ]


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