I just love haikus! They're so easy to read, but convey so much! I love this one. Strong imagery. I especially like the last line, that seems to be where the fulcrum is. -HaldirLives
Ahhh, very nice Cheryl ! I love the metaphor of "fluid agony", it is so succinct and cinches up the imagery and emotion of the whole piece. You might consider dropping "like" in the second line, changing from a simile to an appositive -just because haiku forms usually don't employ such obvious traditional devices,- having a syllable or 2 less than the 17 is perfectly permissiable, and is better than having a surplus word just for the sake of form. The tears-rain metaphor reminds me of my own "Salt Rain",-but you have said the same much more economically and powerfully. Sally
Such an expressive haiku! The image it reflected was truly vivid, pulsating in the reader's mind. And I loved the last verse - "fluid agony". It's one of the greatest constructed metaphors I've ever met... Great work!
What a beautiful way of explaining pain. I do not know much about haiku, but I felt this to my bones. The rain splattering against the windowpane, aching so deep inside. The heaviness that keeps knocking... Beautiful write that speaks to the aching soul.
There is a release in your words which shed light on the object of pain and suffering. This was great from as always with a solid message anyone can relate with.
Fluid agony...how painfully poetic & poignant. I am happy and thankful that your dark days are becoming brighter. You are the haiku/senryu GODDESS ~ that should be enough to brighten your day with fireworks! Wonderful, expressive piece. Love,Peace,Joy & SMILES!
Fluid agony...how painfully poetic & poignant. I am happy and thankful that your dark days are becoming brighter. You are the haiku/senryu GODDESS ~ that should be enough to brighten your day with fireworks! Wonderful, expressive piece. Love,Peace,Joy & SMILES!
The only change I would make would be to drop 'like' in line 2 (unless of course you can't). It's a pretty good little poem. The last line is a very strong ending.
goodness goodness, miss cheryl. you sure do know how to write the most emotional haiku/senryu. this one is one of my favorites that you have written. i'm in a rather sad mood at the moment. so, this got to me even more than it would normally. this was so depressing yet realistic. i can feel the pain in your words, see the hurt in each line. thank you for sharing your thoughts with us again. great write. ^_^ hugs and pain release triggers, ~*dark_and_dreary*~
Submission Name: Heavy tears falling...~Senyru~
